Why Dysfunctional Families Do Not Change

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In my videos, I like to talk about Psychology, Healing Attachment Trauma, Relationship Repair, Inner Child Self-Re-Parenting, Love Addiction, Codependency, Grieving Break Ups, Family Programming, Fantasy Relationships, The Romantic Narrative, Primal Panic, Trauma Bonding, Double-Binds, Attachment Styles, Couples Counseling, Better Boundaries, Shame and Self-love, CPTSD Breakthroughs, Emotional Availability, and Body-Focused Psychotherapy for Healing Trauma..

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Alan Robarge, LPC, Licensed Professional Counselor,
Attachment-Focused, Trauma-Informed,
Psychotherapist and Relationship Educator

Emotional Connections Matter!

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Why Dysfunctional Families Do Not Change

In this video, I talk about how most unhealthy families have no rules or protocol in place for family members to negotiate change. Most dysfunctional family systems are closed systems, which means they are not open to influence, change, or adapting.

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What is one takeaway you can apply to your personal healing process?

Remember to leave a comment. What is your takeaway from this video?

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Why Dysfunctional Families Do Not Change

[AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Hello Subscribers:

Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing.

One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating.

Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning!

As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on YouTube. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through.

I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly.

That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on YouTube. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos.


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Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses.

Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships.

The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met.

While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response.


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I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives.

When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work.

You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive.


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Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution.


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Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos.

And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!”

Best regards,


Alan Robarge
Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist

[Christiegotgame]

Accepting the fact that they will never change has set me free. No contact is the only option.

[abbykoop]

I cut all contact with my family as it was just too painful to "pretend" that everything was OK. "I" was the troublemaker, the black sheep. But it can also be awfully lonely out here. I recently saw a study where participants would rather subject themselves to an abusive situation (electric shock) vs be totally alone. I find it so difficult to find other people who are not superficial and pretending that everything is all right.

[xxxtentacionfanxxx]

I wish to be adopted into an emotionally mature family as an adult. No family perfect but just one that can acknowledge there's a problem and solve it together.

[dawna]

this was the dynamic in my family....i wanted to connect with my fam. i wanted us all to be interested in each others well being and actively show that we mattered to each other. i tried connecting but they are stuck in their made me feel sooo sad and disconnected from "something"....i eventually came to accept that this is just the way it is and i focused on connecting with myself on a very deep level so when i start to have those old feelings (beliefs) that i am not a part of anything i remember that i am connected completely to myself. after all, we are the only person we can truly count on in this world and we have to train ourselves that that is enough....you really do have to mourn the loss of your hope that your family will be what you would like them to be....

[gregjayonnaise]

Another thing about toxic families is that often the primary abuser(s) is the one who sets the family culture. Healthy families create an environment that prioritizes growth and teaching; in a nuclear family, the development of the kids is one of the top priorities. In a toxic family, everything prioritizes the wants and beliefs of the abuser; the abuser is often the head of a household, or at least, and obtrusive person who can’t be easily ignored. So everyone else shapes themselves to avoid as much conflict as possible.

If a person marries an abuser, the abuser will groom that person to suit their own needs and cut out naysayers (like the victim’s family) who point out the danger of them. Any children they have will be raised to walk on eggshells around the abuser and suit specific needs that the abuser may have. Every role in an abusive household is built to benefit the abuser and dissuade any criticism; enablers are meant to defend or at least allow the abuser to do what they want, Golden Children are outlets for the abuser to excercise their ego, and Scapegoats are punching bags to take out the abusers frustrations onto. Notice how none of these roles are beneficial to a non abuser.


This is part of why toxic households are resistant to change; they would be forced to acknowledge the epicenter of the conflict and deal with them as a group, which will inevitably make it much more difficult if the abuser has a hold on the family’s finances, food, or other needs. It would mean either forcing the abuser to get help, or to cut them off, both which would be insanely difficult to do without life being upended.

This is also why they freak out when a person cuts contact; that is one less person fulfilling their role, and one more reason for the abuser to take it out on other members and replace them. If a Scapegoat leaves, then the family scrambles to fill in the missing gap, either by trying to bring them back or selling out each other.

[leighn.]

Anytime I attempt to ask for my needs, I am ignored. They are unwilling to go to family therapy or do any type of work whatsoever. I have always been a black sheep, never understood, and there is no attempt to understand me. It is extremely painful having a family that does not truley love you. If anything happened to me they wouldn't even know. For my own sanity I have had to let them go because I cannot have the shallow meaningless relationships they expect.

[pavla]

I went with the - 'you can't change other people but you can change yourself' adage and went no contact . Any attempts at discussion of the broken family relationships, constant parental raging and scapegoating were always met with all the blame for any family ills heaped on me . And the glee on their faces when they saw they were hurting me told me all I needed to know - these people are rotten to the core .

[lenny]

My family is this way. I'm training my children the opposite. We're open, empathetic and truly support each other to be their best. Unfortunately this has led us to the necessary steps of going no contact with the most toxic members.

[mikajendreas]

The only thing to do is run like hell to get as far away from the “family” as you possibly can! Dysfunctional families don’t change!!! It’s like a parasite! Your better off completely cutting them off and starting fresh on your own. Create your own tribe and (practice) being the friend/ family member to your new tribe! Try not to repeat the dysfunctional patterns you learned thru your family.

[SpaZzChickxX]

I personally don’t want to even put energy into repairing these relationships. I know I very much had a hand, and I’m deciding to no longer partake. The grief is real, it has become extremely taxing for me on my health to stay in these relationships. It fucking sucks, I just see that it is not growing so I have to go for me and for them as well.

[keishad]

Unbelievably accurate! You articulated the core of the problem so well! “What do you mean that bothered you? What do you mean you were hurt by this or that?” No one wants to take ownership of how certain behaviors have impacted the other family member and so the blame shifting begins and the scapegoat is born!

[emmyty]

In my experience, the person who desires change is labeled as the "B" word. I'm the problem because I want to set healthy boundaries. And I can totally relate to the concept of grieving the relationship you'll never have. So crazy.

[lisarochwarg]

The reason the family system is locked in place is because the other members are getting a boost in status from having a scapegoat handy. These families have a totem pole structure--- as long as the scapegoat is present all other members have someone to look down on.

Also, the other members fear becoming the new scapegoat. They know that the disordered parents who run these families will find another should the original scapegoat leave; that's why they bug out when the family scapegoat leaves permanently.

They are all complicit with the tyrants. That makes them spineless and worthless. I don't like spineless, worthless people.

[corinnecerminaro]

I wish there was a YELP for families. I’d leave a scathing review with receipts for mine.

[jondale]

I actually changed my full name because my mother told everyone that I told her I was gay after I explained why I dropped out; a male teacher was sexually abusive with me (2010-13) and others. He has recently been arrested. I went home after two years to confront my mother about other abuse that happened growing up and it ended with her telling me not to come around anymore.

[taehyunpark]

Yep. Deny & Minimize. Every single time I've tried talking about the things that my family does that hurts me, and how my mother's actions, words and how her behavior affects me she will flat out pretend that she has no idea what I'm talking about and deny what I'm saying when I call her out and she will throw fits about it. She says I'm the problem and she guilt trips and say what I feel is my fault that I feel that way to absolve herself of her hurtful actions. She goes in these fits of rage and she silences me constantly when I try to express my pain and what she's doing is hurting me so I just stay in my room to avoid her and my family because they all defend her abusive behavior and actions.

[ingodwetrust.]

Family ain't always blood. I learned it the very very hard way.

[zan]

It's comforting to know I'm not alone. I'd rather be the black sheep and stay away. They can't hurt me further if I'm not around.

[nursewriter]

Sigh...what a painful reality, that oftentimes it's chronic shaming and blaming, minimizing and denial whenever one attempts to communicate even hurt feelings within a family system. Thank you for acknowledging the pain that so many of us feel. Your videos are healing. You seem to wrap words around everything I've been trying to understand.