The role of chaotic family systems in the development of narcissism

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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.

THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.

[michelebeers]

Recognising the dysfunction and breaking free is the kindest act anyone can do for themselves

[laurenceboischot]

I grew up in a narcissistic family system and I picked up some of their behaviours, but as I grew up I hated those behaviours and made the conscious decision to act differently. It took time, and I had to look around for new, healthy role models, but it's possible.

[Rebecca-fhpe]

YES to everything in this video. I had a series of relationships with men who had these characteristics. As an adult, I returned to my hometown for a few years and watched the same behavior played out by my parent and siblings. Red flags were normal to me so they never stuck out as problematic. And like you mention in another video about Truth Tellers, bringing these issues to light resulted in ostracism, which is actually a blessing. The relief of knowing I cannot change them, and that it’s okay to lay down that burden, has been life changing. Thank you for doing these videos.

[strugglingmillennial]

This one hits me to my core. I remember telling my therapist I was afraid that I might be Narcissistic or Borderline myself due my chaotic family history. She confirmed that I am nothing like my family nor do I have a personality disorder. I’ve been sucked back into my family’s BS more than once. They called me irresponsible and selfish for leaving but at this point I can’t continue to help people who lack accountability. I’m the scapegoat and choosing to break the generational curse.

[curiousone]

One of the most awful things about this is that we still live in a society that assumes all parents are good and mean well. Nobody in charge wants to take responsibility, so even a therapist or counselor will cajole a child onto medication so they don't have to address bullying in the school system and parents can wipe their hands clean and say, "See what we/I have to put up with?!"

[alexandriascott]

I came from a chaotic dysfunctional narcissistic toxic crazy home. Ever since I was a little girl all my parents ever did was argue and fight. Then they put it out on me with their verbal abuse and my mom physically hurt me. They are both angry unhappy rageful and abusive but my mom is a bully. I didn’t even realize because no one told me or sat me down that my parents were separating then divorcing. I just kept waking up to only my mom being at the house with my brother but she would make me help her with everything. I couldn’t do what I wanted to do and felt so trapped and suffocated. I tried to tell my aunt and grandmother but they wouldn’t listen to me. No one in my family stood up to defend or protect me I think they are scared of my mom or were in such denial that anything was wrong and that I was lying which I wasn’t. I never understood why I never got to see my father, I have so many unanswered questions here at 30 that no one will give me. It’s just sick and wrong because I feel I deserve to know why things went down the way they went. I’m so glad that I’ve taken my power and control back to figure out what the hell happened in my family dynamic and through researching this whole narcissism toxic stuff it’s all clear now with what I feel l know for the most part was going on and had happened. I’m definitely not a narcissist or toxic. It’s so sad my parents are and are lost to not get that they are so destructive and damaging to their loved one. I’m healthy sane and feel I have broke the generational curse. I’m healing my inner child in therapy and have done the work and put the effort time and attention into understanding what has happened to me. All of this madness ends here with me, I won’t allow any of this disruptive nonsense in my life from anyone anywhere. I choose peace love joy and happiness and if anyone doesn’t know how to behave correctly I’m most certainly not gonna be around them. Staying no contact is best to protect yourself from these horrible individuals.

[innerworkshealing]

I believe that coming from a narcissistic family system sets one up for two possible paths… the child raised by at least one narc parent will likely be narcissistic themselves or… like in my own life… that child will become codependent and empathic which primes them for future adult narc relationships riddled w abuse and the full narc nightmare.

[shelley]

Yes, I do believe that chaotic families creates narcissism. It's learned behavior.

[BirdShutterbug]

The lessons we are taught, both negative and positive, are very powerful when we're younger. I had an extremely chaotic upbringing, with a bipolar father who eventually committed suicide when I was 20. My mother ignored treatable uterine cancer and died a few months after being finally diagnosed, when I was 40, leaving a house that was in hoarding condition. I honestly find it pretty incredible that I came out of that relatively normal, though I did end up abusing alcohol and ended up in a program of recovery. I chose to marry someone who was extremely controlling and eventually verbally and emotionally abusive. After a 35 year marriage though, I did find the courage and strength to leave. I see the effects of this upbringing in all my other siblings too. But I'm grateful that I was able to find and use the tools to live a better life, being true to myself. I am now 24 years sober, after being a daily drinker before I finally got into recovery. #Strong

[epluribusunum]

From an early environment of emotional chaos, some of us spend too much of our lives desperately craving “FAMILY”. It is our culture’s sacred cow, and we can’t escape the constant societal pressure that we all need that wonderful, fulfilling touchstone. Norman Rockwells image of a family Thanksgiving dinner. And that bullshit magical thinking makes holidays an especially lonely time. But once you know the patterns of narcissists, you can see that to them, family is the ultimate F word, and they’ll always try to destroy it. Get away if you can, and if you can’t, watch these videos because you need to save your inner self.

[elizabethowens]

Self awareness is everything! I’m the scapegoat child. So setting boundaries is so important. Once I found out about the system. I Had to learn to put myself and som first and have minimum contact. My motivation to change is my son, I recognized my behavior affecting him. I’m a recovering addict so I’m so thankful they began my journey to therapy and God.

[indigogirl]

Dr.Ramani, this is the story of my life. Everyone was raging in my house as a child; my parents, my siblings, and relatives. And there was a a lot of violence. I was always very anxious, shy, and scared as a child. Going through therapy I have come to be aware of various forms of violence…but I have to consciously observe it to realize it is there. When I tell my friends of my childhood they are horrified and wonder how I made it through. Logically I know these things are traumatizing but I was made immune to it. It makes me angry now because I see how as an adult I am off, in that I have serious issues with boundary setting and letting the people closest to me abuse me. It seems normal and I make myself of service to everyone. It’s scary because my internal intuition was made to be shut off. It’s like my brain shut off in certain areas in order to protect me from the constant violence from my family. Now I am older and in therapy I am slowly starting to process it all and it hurts.

[shelley]

I took the peace maker role, and I didn't burden my parents since my siblings created enough crap. I was the one always trying to make up for all the chaos. It went way into my adulthood. The people pleaser. Thanks to you, and other's Dr. Ramani, I'm losing that role, and seeing things a whole lot different today. I'm present. :)

[l.]

I think your own personality and how you process things comes to play. I believe there is choice involved. My mom was an abusive narc. My sister and I both experienced her behaviour and understood it as abnormal but had no label for it. I was the scapegoat and my sister the Golden Child. My sister became a narc, worse than my mother was. It could be because she was the Golden Child, I don't know. But I refuse to go down that path. So I have sought counseling, read books, watched videos, and made the hardest decision of all, which is to not have kids for fear of unintentionally copying my mothers ways because I had no good female role model.

[bethcochran]

This is the message that I needed to hear today. I was asked to move back in with my mom yesterday. I can't. My husband and I did years ago for my dad. We are older now and don't have the physical support from family that we had then. I know how much I will be judged by family members, her church members, and even some neighbors. I will be destroyed if I give in. Attacked if I refuse.

[blaisegirl]

I grew up in a narcissistic family system and my mom was one of the most severe. We always had excuses for my mothers behavior that basically allowed her to act as crazy as she wanted with no consequences.

The first “relationship” I had I was being s€xually abused by an older person when I was 14 and 15. Then I did start experimenting with drugs and I was arrested at 17. I got into a seriously long term relationship for 5 years with an emotionally, verbally, psychologically and sometimes physically abusive partner in my early 20s.

I thought I was rebelling against my family when I was actually putting myself in similar and sometimes worse situations because I had become used to excusing bad behavior and bending over backwards to do whatever I could to accommodate that person. Even if that put me in harms way. It’s been very hard to break that conditioning that other peoples emotions are my responsibility because obviously they’re not but that’s what a narcissistic family wants you to believe. And I used to be so fooled by the hovering, breadcrumbing, future faking and love bombing because I so badly wanted to be loved and wanted and appreciated. My family didn’t give me those feelings and so I desperately tried to find them elsewhere and really got burned.

The last couple of years I’ve been realizing the dynamics in my family and working on getting out of it. I finally realized that no one was going to save me and I had to save myself. I had to love myself, I had to want good for myself regardless of what others thought or how they treated me. When you grow up in a narcissistic family you either have to be alone or be miserable. And I know I’m going to build better connections over time and I already am but the need for self reliance and independence in every way is so important for the children of narcissistic family systems. We’ve been trained to people please abusive people and we have to untrain ourselves and be extra vigilant about who we’re connecting with so that we don’t get sucked into similar narcissistic situations.

[crystalcallaghan]

It's so difficult. Unless you experienced a dysfunctional family its hard to know what it's like. I got out. Moved away and limited contact. Then my mother needed me (guilt) and I came back for her. It's like it captures you and drags you back in. When I was on the outside looking in my views and thoughts were clearer. Now I feel I am clouded again by the dysfunction. I often told my friend....its like mafia thinking. Family comes first. No matter what.
Thats the mentality of my family.
Now I need back out again. Its hard when you love your family and feel bad cause you know they don't seem to know any better, want any better....

[blueberryney]

“You can’t be a therapist to the person you’re in a relationship with” ooh this was the huge part for me, when my relationship with my ex reflected being my moms “therapist” since 11

[carolynstuder]

Even when a family is chaotic, we still idealize our famlies of origin. I did that for a long time. I couldn't even imagine I could be happy without them. I didn''t really understand the power dynamic. Now I do. Knowledge is power!

[saa]

Chaotic families definitely set up the children for a variety of mental illness issues; however, we can choose to follow the path of chaotic, abusive behavior, or we can choose to learn from all that was wrong and bad and choose to do/be better. It takes a lot of conscious effort to do so, but it is worth it, particularly for the next generation.