Surviving The Family Hero Role

Resource Time!

Books:

Healing The Shame That Binds You by John Bradshaw

Another Chance: Hope and Health For The Alcoholic Family by Sharon Wegscheider*

*Details the family roles in relation to alcoholic families but you can generalize to any sort of family dysfunction.

Recovery by Russel Brand (if you struggle with addiction of any sort)

Support Groups:

[superlasse]

Lmao I'm in my early twenties and burning out because of that redemption fantasy: "if I work hard enough, I'll get a relationship with someone who can give me what my parents couldn't and therefore I now can't".
This was really validating. I feel seen. Thanks Heidi.

[vaizluca]

I think this is this first video of yours where I started tearing up because of it hitting home. Its soooo true to be overlooked because you "function" in society's ideas of achievement well. Or your family's ideas of achievement. I always thought I was the golden child, I think I may be both, but yeah even the goals I have for myself all revolve around helping my family. I want to succeed in order to "fix" everything. And I grew up believing I was very mentally stable and "strong" only to realize in my 20s and 30s that actually I was numb and dissociated most of the time and my heart pulpitations were due to anxiety even in middle school from the pressure of being the glue for my family, the positive one, the supportive one, the achieving one, the smart one, the one who is there for everyone etc. I was "mature" and "wise" for my age and "such a great support to your mother". Thanks for talking about this role, never knew about it and gives me better context for understanding and exploring myself now.

[alvideor]

I'm sad to admit that one of my happiest memories was the day I got an A++ on a paper in political philosophy In third year uni (that's a double plus). It felt even better when some of the other kids saw my grade and I saw their jaws drop. It warmed up my belly and made me feel like I deserve to exist because I was on top, I was unreachable. That was my safe place for 2 decades. My whole life was about shining and being admired In academics, even as I felt deeply lonely + alienated. Where am I now? I had a major breakdown about 5 years later. Burnout, major depression episode, anxiety, etc etc. I've spent the last decade hiding from the world, living out of a room in my aging immigrant parents house, out of the workforce, almost no friends left, lonely af, paralyzed by anxiety that nothing I do in life will ever be good enough. If you're a hero you don't get to be weak, that's the unspoken rule. The voice inside keeps telling me the boat has sailed, the moment is gone, life is over, the hero is dead. The sense of shame, worthlessness and futility is overwhelming.

The hero role is real and deadly. It fills you with pride and inflates your ego from the constant admiration, which you confuse with love. That makes it difficult to let go, it's like an addiction. Even worse, you'll feel tremendous guilt If you try to let it go, because it will seem like you're abandoning your family by no longer being their savior. The worst part is that you have no differentiated self underneath, just a deep hole of worthlessness and inferiority. So there's nothing to fall back on. Shedding the hero role will feel like you're dying and/or the world is coming to an end. Playing hero prevents you from developing a whole bunch of skills that adults need to function. You're always looking for that wow response from others, do your intrinsic motivation is shot and you don't develop Independence. You're a slave to other people's reactions and addicted to their praise. Nothing seems worth doing unless it's some Grand achievement that will put you up in the spotlight. And yet your achievements won't mean anything to you. You never really cared about the thing itself, but other people's impressions of you Is all that matters. Envy, comparisons, workaholism, futility, shame, despair are pretty usual. If you stumble along the way, the sense of failure can be horrific. You might find yourself drifting more and more into fantasy, where you can satisfy the heroic drive for achievement without worrying about reality. There's a constant gnawing anxiety that you need to perform at all times because otherwise you don't deserve to exist.

Healing is hard, most people aren't used to heroes needing help. They're used to getting help from heroes and relying on them. I've been seeing therapists for 10 years, some were better than others but not one ever named this role for me or showed me a path towards healing.

[bluejaytay]

I’m pretty sure I’m both the family hero and the lost child. I think I was neglected to the point I had to achieve high to have anyone look at me so I just ended up being extremely quiet while also being extremely high achieving. It’s extremely isolating and then to have less of a reaction to something than I did the last I feel absolutely devastated like I’m the worst person in the world. It’s like living in a world where I want to connect to people but feel not worth it so I achieve high hoping to be better than everyone so they would want to have a connection with me. I moved into an apartment with roommates over a year ago for the first time and lost childed so hard I’d be surprised if they even knew my name.

[cwonderland]

Welp. Family hero, started to overcome it and relax, became the scapegoat, made my peace with it, and then my family hero partner left me when my pace of life had to change due to chronic illness. So my fears were very real and true.

[Ncer]

I've always been this role, but never knew it was a thing. I've filled this role for my extended family as well, as I was the first to attend college, and start a professional career. This pressure has driven me to have a very successful career and complete a terminal degree, but as you said, it doesn't feel like it's enough. I still feel like I'm lacking a purpose.

[zwitterkitty]

OH MY GOD, it me. Well, this was me anyway. I'm actually not sure if I would have recognized myself in this role pre-healing. I proudly told others how "perfect" my family was, growing up *facepalm*

Your work has been amazing for healing my fearful-avoidant attachment style, and I found this video enlightening. Thanks, Heidi!

[Angellightrose]

I have two sisters, one named Amy and one named Gina. I was the golden child for sure as the last born. Amy was always the scapegoat as the middle child. And the first born, Gina, was the hero. She was the first one to leave the family nest as soon as she turned 18. She led a normal life after that, but the memories probably still haunt her. She's my half sister. So same mom, different dad. Half Indian half white. My biological father was her step dad. It's sad really. She can't ever acknowledge what happened. She knows she didn't care about my abusive father when he died. But probably still can't wrap her mind about the heavy abuse my parents did. She lives a normal life with a husband and 3 boys. Whereas I have a twin flame with a complex history. No children, still living at home disabled with mental illness, but an avid writer and artist.

[arielpizzamiglio]

I can’t believe I’ve gone my whole life thinking that my need to achieve was so that I didn’t feel like a mistake to my teenage parents — I never even *considered* that I was behaving this way to solve family dysfunction. This was so helpful and insightful, thank you

[maripi]

I think I was both the hero and the lost child and later also the scapegoat when I was a teenager. I got into therapy when I was 16, as the first one of my family. I'm definitely struggling with perfectionism and trying to find validation at work. I have a disorganised attachment style and struggle to rely on people

[kattymatty]

Woooow. It actually makes sense now why I gaslit myself in my early days of therapy back in college, thinking, I have no real trauma or reason to be here. I saw how independent and hard my mom always worked as opposed to other family, I felt determined to do the same—and my sister was unfortunately the scapegoat so there was somewhat of a pressure to achieve. I also grew up very emotionally dependent on my mom so I tried very hard to be autonomous through these achievements—applying to my first job even when my mom said it wasn’t necessary, always working up the ladder to my detriment. My parents have every confidence in me though I don’t always feel worthy.

Well a few months ago I was crumbling under the thumb of my first “adult job” (a corporate job like my mom’s, great benefits, etc.), and I realized this wasn’t even the path I’ve wanted and finally left.

At the end of this month, I’m taking the L and moving back in with my mom for the first time since I left for college 10 years ago. I have never wanted to be a burden to her, since she’s done the heavy lifting for our family since day 1. So I’m going into this very conscious of my desire to be self-reliant and get back on my feet, but also of the real burnout I feel and the healing I’m needing to walk through. I’m very blessed to walk alongside my mom through this, of all people. Wish me luck ✨ best wishes everyone!

[Nina]

So funny that at the end of the video you mention the overlap with the golden child. I had just saved both videos cause I wasn't sure which one would resonate deeper with me. It is definitely the Family Hero role. Which in my culture usually matches the eldest child, as in my case.

[gregoryritchie]

I've seen that the better a hero performs can lead to envy from others leading to his discard by them.

[legendgamer]

I cried when you started talking about the healing process of this role. I’m in my mid twenties, slowly burning out, and I’ve recently become consciously aware of how I’ve always felt like I don’t have any friends, and the reason for that is simply that I don’t allow other people to really KNOW me, the most intimate human part of me, my feelings. So hearing you say that is part of the process, realising a LOT of the transactional relationships I have in my life are only that way because I’m so terrified of letting people down was a key to unlocking some more grief for me. I can’t believe I’ve spent my whole life running myself into the ground trying to CHASE love and intimate connection when I could have had it the whole time. That I’m lovable because of who I am not what I do. And now I’m at least aware that when I do open up to someone about this I will likely start projecting, but I can acknowledge that and move through it.

[ignasmaciulis]

Yes, this is what I needed all along! I am quite astonished as to how I have spent these years learning about trauma and dysfunctional families, even getting acquainted with family roles, and not once coming upon the family hero.

This makes perfect sense to me now. I have been aware of these things for a fairly long time now - how all my life up until adulthood had been about academics, of my perfectionism, of being depressed and disconnected from my actual self and feelings, of being unmotivated yet pushing myself to perform, of feeling that my life has no meaning and I don't really want to live it, and of the abject loneliness and lack of true, intimate relationships that I have suffered from. I knew that for the most part these things came from my childhood where I had to adapt to my screwed-up family and that I just couldn't go on living like this, but hearing about the family hero just connects these pieces more and lets me see them in a new light.

I had thought that I must have been a golden child, while also identifying somewhat with the scapegoat. While I still think it is true and I have been assigned these roles to some extent, the family hero one just really hits home. Thank you for yet another clue on my healing journey!

[trustyourself-ashleyching]

Most successful are detached from inner emotional experience, not if preoccupied with experiencing full range of human emotion.

Inverse correlation between financial success and personal fulfillment.

[Therika]

Can the family hero also be the caretaker? It seems like that was my experience. No wonder I burned out in young adulthood! Thanks so much for this video - it resolved and clarified so many things I had been confused about for years! ❤

[cynthiamench]

Such a lovely well spoken young lady.. and SMART also... You go girl! I was the scapegoat from my sociopathic mother, and the golden child from my predator father. After the divorce I was just scapegoat on both sides. If I had a dollar for every time he said "You look and act like your fucked up mother" and she said. "You look and act like your asinine father" I'd be rich. I couldn't win EVER!

[micahbernadetteangelespoli]

I am the eldest child but the second child is only 11 months younger than me. She ended up being the family hero and I identify as the lost child. Thank you so much for your series Heidi, they have been so helpful for me. I am looking forward to the lost child video.

[jonstewart]

Oh man, this is a good video. I think Heidi and Kenny Weiss (here on YTube) are giving the most relatable descriptions of the Hero role - for me anyway. I feel like the hero who straight up went from achieving to underachieving after my parents divorced - like why try to save the family if it's no longer a thing! The really gnarly thing about being the "hero" in a dysfunctional family with a narcissistic father, is that they also hollow out your self esteem, so you never feel like you deserve better than 2nd place in comps. You want to win so bad (and train more than most), then tend to choke a lot when it counts - god that sucked.