Are You The Hero? 4 Tips For Healing | Dysfunctional Family Roles

Did you grow up as the child who felt responsible for upholding the family image, always striving for perfection and achievement? If you felt like you had to constantly be “on” and come to the rescue for the rest of the family, you may have had the Hero Role imposed on you.

In this video, I am going to share with you some helpful steps for healing from this rigid family role.

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Disclaimer:
This video was created by Barbara Heffernan, LCSW for educational purposes only. These videos are not diagnostic and provide no individual consultation. Consumption of these materials is for your own education and any medical, psychological, or professional care decisions should be made between you and your primary care doctor or another provider that you are engaged with. Barbara Heffernan is not available for individual consultation via YouTube, social media, or email, and provides services only in the manner mentioned above.

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#dysfunctionalfamily #familyroles #herochildrole

☀️☀️CHAPTERS☀️☀️
0:00 Intro
0:59 Problem #1
2:41 Problem #2
4:42 Problem #3
5:55 Problem #4

[legendgamer]

That first moment of realisation that I had no one to fall back on is beyond terrifying. It sent me into an existential crisis, I’m pretty sure it traumatised me. I had been lying to myself for a very long time and genuinely thought I had loads of close friends but then I was jolted awake from my dream thanks to drugs and alcohol abuse, I realised how isolated my existence was. I remember it vividly I was crying having a mental breakdown in my friends bathroom from all the stress I had been “heroically” creating chasing my empty goals and she asked me if there was anyone she could call. I remember thinking to myself, no, that I literally could not think of a single person who I could genuinely trust and rely on for emotional support. Hero child creates no emotional connections in their relationships. Glad to be working on this now sooner rather than later, I’m only 26!

[katiegreen]

I love you! Your videos really speak to me and appreciate you so much.

This is me to a T, but also my role model growing up (grandma) was also a hero type so it feels a little different for me because it was also some what a combination of how i was raised to be and something I found was needed of me as well.

[Schwiftyvic]

Bruh, everything she says stuck my chest 😭 took me a bit to watch the whole video. When she said to open up to the idea of relying on others, I was like “hell no. I got myself”. Then I restarted the video because she confirmed exactly what she said.

[chuck]

The Hero was my sister who always idolized our parents. I was the Lost Child. You are correct, I have no one to fall back on. The truth of the matter is, the person that I could rely on always was myself. Ive actually been alone all my life. Their is so much in this video is not even being mentioned. Most of my adult relationships, were similar to the insane parents who never had the capacity in the first place who should of never had children.

[julybutterfly]

Thank you Barbara for this video. I had never heard of the hero child until now. Last summer, I made the discovery that I was parentified, and then later at the age of 30 spousified by my father following my mother's death. I was responsible for the household upkeep, my siblings when my mother went back to work when I was 11, and also my mother's counsellor due to my father being everything abusive but physically (my earliest memory of counselling her is at age 7). I have often said I harbour guilt. Guilt that I can't shake off, so that part of the video really resonated with me. I would like to take your program, but I am fearful that I won't be able to manage that as well as my studies (back in school for my degree as a mature student yikes!) I also have adhd and find juggling too many things a challenge, however I also think that if I don't start working on some of these negative core beliefs of mine, then it will make my studies, and managing the rest of my life that much more challenging.

[veerleverkeerd]

This really hits home, thank you. So much incredibly valuable information in every single video of yours! Funnily enough I was blessed with both the hero child and the scapegoat roles in my family. Fun to untangle all that, haha

[dnk]

Honestly I am both the hero/oldest caretaker and scapegoat the more I healed the worse the scapegoating got.

[ashanein]

I think what really has confused me is that, as the youngest, i was the hero and my older sister was the scapegoat. So yes, we got compared to each other unfairly. BUT/and my sister was also given so much enabling, "care" from my single mom (not healthy care but things like money, mom saying sister was depressed and deserved all the attention for that even though my therapist and i are sure it's undiagnosed bpd, mom not intervening when sister was emotionally abusive to me). My mom didn't do a damn thing about it even though i asked for help multiple times. I think, therefore, that the roles aren't fixed. And, i think they can change depending on who we're relating to (Mom vs Dad vs sibling vs friends etc). It's so maddening. I would give anything for some clarity. Working hard towards that each day and content like this is so helpful. Thanks, Barbara. 💜

[carolchandler]

😂 this fits, too. Does it have something to do with being the ONLY child? I was the only one to take on these roles, so I just got slapped with all of them?

[DallasCribb]

Kia ora (hello) Babara.. Thank you for the work you do. I'm a male (dual-gender names right) nearing the completion of my 53rd trip around the sun. Half a century ago, my maternal uncle started sexually molesting me. As a result, I stopped talking to my parents. The change was noticed by my parents and extended family. Without the knowledge of her brother's actions, my mother began to verbally and physically. As I grew (7-8 yrs) her tools of abuse became ineffective, so my father took over. He had, just the one tool, and that was physical violence. Dad was violent to anyone. We seldom spoke. I thought my older sister was the "hero child" and felt more like the "scapegoat". Until I began succeeding in areas of my life. Rugby suited my aggressive up-bringing and becoming an altar boy appeased the anger of the gods (parents) in part. The gods were fickle though and I struggled keep them happy, as I was still dealing with uncle till I was 12 or 13. So, my question is Part A. (lol) Can I be both? And Part B. If I can be both Hero and Scapegoat, how does that affect my personality category with regard to boundaries?

[TheThiaminBlog]

I married into a family too, where nobody cares, and nobody’s coming to save you. I look back and see that through my married life, I continued to be the hero child. Only now I was a wife and mom.🙁

[emivolo]

Is it possible to be multiple? Or to move between them?

[chrystalwilliams]

How about when you were living at home, you were the hero, yet always looked over because younger sister was hard to deal with. Sister was the one to pander to. She still runs the "show" today. Somehow, I have turned into the scapegoat. I've been told that I'm crazy and "sick". It's beyond frustrating, and I choose to not pander to my sister today. So now I'm the bad guy who upsets the dynamic.