Alain de Botton on Romanticism

The ideology of Romanticism has been fatal to our chances of long-term happiness in modern relationships. Here, School of Life founder Alain de Botton delivers a lecture at the Sydney Opera House charting a wiser course for love. With deepest thanks to the team at the Opera House.

CREDITS

Produced in collaboration with The Sydney Opera House. #TheSchoolOfLife

[AMcGrath]

Compatibility is an achievement of love, not a precondition. Such wise words.

[CarmelaMiles]

"The more you know about love, the less important it is who you're loving."

[dvdgalutube]

This talk feels like a highly intellectual standup comedy 🤣🤣🤣

[michellerivera]

I’ve probably listened to this talk 4-5 times by now, and each time I feel like it further cements the idea that there is so much I have to learn about myself and others before I could even begin to be happy in a romantic relationship. It’s grounding to listen to his interpretations and philosophy on the romantic movement. Maybe disillusioning is a better word for it, but in the best possible way. Love this talk. I will admit, however, that I’m always slightly bothered by how little it seems the questioners understood.

[JoyLyte]

This feels like fifty The School of Life videos rolled into one, and I love it.

[oliviahesson]

I absolutely love this. I'm only 15 so I'm not really looking for a partner, but this was interesting nonetheless and has taught me plenty about relationships in general. This does not just mean romantic love. Forgiveness and acceptance of insanities is important in friendships and familial relationships as well. Alain is not only intelligent and an amazing speaker, but so funny! So happy I decided to watch this. I really have never been so captivated by a speaker. He really puts his opinions about the world in a great light and I love his views.

[mzwaagdijk]

He is absolutely correct about the film "Before Midnight", I think I'll watch it again soon. It's the only film I've ever seen which has a realistic, rather than heady and fantastical, notion and portrayal of love and romance and romantic relationships. It's actually part of a trilogy, the first being "Before Sunrise", the second "Before Sunset", and the third "Before Midnight". The three films follow the same couple through 3 major stages of a long term relationship: the excitement of meeting each other; the comfort and reliability of being together with someone; and finally the effort, difficulty, and sometimes unromantic parts of continuing to maintain a relationship. I HIGHLY RECOMMEND WATCHING THE WHOLE SET.

[chubbychee]

00:00 what is romanticism?
9:00 negative side of romanticism
14:40 thinking you are easy to live with
16:48 "special feeling", what we learn about love in childhood will affect how we think about love as adulthood ; we unconsciously will attract someone that is "familiar"
20:00 honesty in romanticisms
24:4 Romanticism never talk about the practicals side of live
27:10 romanticism belives that you should understand each other without talking
30:58 Romanticism belives when you really love somebody, you love everything about them ; love ≠ criticism
33:56 ancient Greek = Love is admiring the positive side of someone; =Love should be a process of mutual education ; teaching
38:40 failing in teaching cause nagging and shirking
39:26 so what should we do? ; Set balanced standard about love ; LOVE IS A SKILL

[dpNacho]

Why did this amazing talk take 4 years to get to me? BAD YOUTUBE, BAD!!

[vc]

This guy marries philosophy and psychology in the smartest way I’ve ever seen.

[erezlevanon]

Once you listen to Alain de Botton, you can love anyone <3

[agomes]

Loved this speech. I thought I was "in love" with someone until I found out she has someone. This video helped me cope with the fact I probably didnt love her, just loved the idea of "being in love".

[brewberry]

I really like what he said about choosing between two types of suffering. That is genius. People do think like that. Personally i'll take boring but stable over fun but chaotic.

[richardmabe]

With 42% divorce and research to show millions of people are trapped in unhappy marriages that wont leave for fear of emotional and financial hardship its clear people need a better education in how to love and when to not bother with romantic love at all. Well done Alain for an excellent talk.

[stephencantnmbrs]

An unbiased, honest, and bright man. I'm so glad I can say I was alive at the same time as Botton.

[yu-fangliang]

"The more you know about love, the less important it is who you're loving." Really well said

[mikykanazawa]

How to look like a smart person?
1) A smart person is moderate in their use of language. They avoid extremes like never, and always because favoring extreme ideas without a strong context of facts is simply stupid.
2) A smart person is polite and avoids raises his/her voice even in an intensely heated argument because they know that method of communication almost always end in failures. Instead, a smart person relies primarily on reason to communicate their point of view.
3) A smart person takes criticisms very constructively and tries his or her best to keep aside their ego
4) A smart person knows that being vulnerable despite some finding it weak is actually a sign of strength. Knowing how fragile we all are we tend to think people who can openly show their fragility to others seem nearly invincible. Those who think otherwise are likely to be in denial of their fragility.
5) A smart person compromises. In a relationship, a smart person knows how deeply flawed they and their partners are and so they try their best to do their part by sharing responsibilities in things such as, chores, planning or even raising children.
6) A smart person is a good listener. Knowing the fact that we all want to be understood it is, therefore, no surprise that we first want us to be heard. The smart person understands this and listens.
7) A smart person invests in self-improvement because they know how deeply they are flawed. They, therefore, invest a good proportion of their time and efforts in becoming kinder, compassionate and self-education. They use words like please, thank you, and sorry quite often.
8) A smart person is grateful. Like all people smart people want to be happy therefore they treat happiness as a scare resource and often look for it in often seemingly benign and mundane places. For instance, they might feel joy while smelling the distinct smell of monsoon rain, a sight of a pretty flower, or just appreciating the fact that they are still alive.
9) Smart people are deeply aware of death. It is a fact they do not try to deny instead they embrace it and learn to value their every experience both good and bad.
10) Smart people are compassionate. They try to help anyone they can because they understand as humans, we are all often lonely and struggling with life. To a smart person, it is a natural thing to do because they know if everyone did it the world would be a better place.

[Antitotalitarianrevolutionary]

This man is a stand up comic at a very advanced level. I love it.

[neffada]

I think I've been living my relationship with this romanticism idea, no wonder we often argue. Thank you for this video, really eye-opening.

[NctisGaming]

This man got me through so much... I can't even express how much his voice brings me a level of calm and ease that I can't experience in any other way.