The 17 Secrets to a Successful Relationship

It’s often said that no one can ever really say what a good relationship is, let alone draw up a checklist for a prospective one. We politely disagree…

FURTHER READING

“It’s often said that no one can ever really say what a good relationship is, let alone draw up a checklist for a prospective one. We politely disagree:
1. Pick someone you feel profoundly grateful ever decided to look your way. Start from a sense that you are the lucky one - and that they are superior (the truth is irrelevant).
2. Make sure you fancy them. Check out that you have compatible areas of perversion - and little interest being normal in bed.
3. Allow yourselves both to admit, from an early stage, that you are ‘mad’; heavily distorted by your pasts, unable to understand yourselves, prone to irrational assumptions - and unsteady in your assessments of reality.
4. Make apology the most regular of occurrences. Say sorry about everything all the time and reduce the price of an admission to almost zero.
5. Remove all pride from your character. You were an idiot then, you are an idiot now, you will be an idiot tomorrow. There’s no other option for a human being. Make jokes.
6. Regularly explore how you have disappointed one another. Let them sometimes hate you and you them. Don’t be frightened by anger moderately expressed. The enemy of love is stifled emotion, not maturely explored authenticity. Listen very carefully when they tell you how they feel.
7. Never describe them categorically as this or that (insulting trait). Only ever say: I feel you are this or that… Observe the difference.
8. Get good at sensing the fear beneath your angry moods, then express the fear gently rather than acting out the anger.
9. Reduce expectations of perfection. It’s going to get horrible at times. Allow for major frustrations. You will want to kill them and they you. Don’t.
10. Accept you will have crushes on others. Let them wash over you - and, if the mood is right, share them with the partner.
11. If there are children, recognise that love will suffer hugely. Look forward to properly picking up the baton again in 15 years.
12. Become the sort of person who has no embarrassment about being ‘needy.’ Accept the child in you and look after their needs in the relationship.
13. Read up about attachment theory - and keep the concepts close at hand.
14. Stop being defensive; stop needing to maintain a proud hold on your own dignity. Laugh continually at your foolishness - and apologise for it.
15. Accept that they can’t save you from your own disturbances. Try to be happy in yourself and if you are not, don’t redirect the blame. Observe how often your rocky patches are projected versions of your own life crises. Get a therapist.
16. Don’t expect everything from love.
17. Be very prepared (though reluctant) to leave. Remain out of choice, never desperation.
“

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CREDITS

Produced in collaboration with:

Hannah O'brien

Title animation produced in collaboration with

Graeme Probert

[halloweenjujube]

My number 18 would be: never criticize your partner in front of others (I see this so much and I think it’s very sad and destructive), and 19 would be to do small things for each other with much enthusiasm. I love to get my husband a glass of water before bed, or make sure his favourite shirt is clean, or buy him a treat while I’m grocery shopping. I am very happy to do these things, and they make him happy, and then he’s happy to do the same for me. A beautiful cycle! ❤️

[schmooncakes]

“Let them sometimes hate you, and you them. Don’t be frightened by anger moderately expressed. The enemy of love is stifled emotion, not maturely-explored authenticity.”

[patatatrice]

“Be very prepared (though reluctant) to leave. Remain out of choice, never desperation.”

ahh i felt that.

[sobrevida]

18. Strive, every moment, to approach your partner (and the world) with curiosity and wonder, rather than judgment.

[visheshabeyratne]

"The enemy of love is stifled emotion, not maturely explored authenticity." Beautifully said.

[Yukajoseph]

Nice video, I'm still struggling with the end of my 7-year relationship. My significant other, who I considered to be the love of my life, left me a month ago, and I can't seem to shake the constant thoughts of him. Despite my efforts to bring him back into my life, nothing has worked, and I feel frustrated and hopeless. I've tried to move on, but my heart still longs for him, and I don't see myself with anyone else. I apologize for sharing this here, but I just can't seem to stop missing him.

[ailurii]

1. Pick someone you feel profoundly grateful ever decided to look your way. Start from a sense that you are the lucky one.
2. Make sure you fancy them intimately.
3. Allow yourselves both to admit from an early stage that you are ‘mad’.
4. Make apology the most regular of occurrences.
5. Remove all pride from your character.
6. Regularly explore how you have disappointed one another. Let them sometimes hate you, and you them.
7. Never describe them categorically as this or that. (i.e. “I feel like you’re being unfair”, not “You’re being unfair”)
8. Get good at sensing the fear beneath your angry moods, then express the fear gently rather than acting out the anger.
9. Reduce expectations of perfection.
10. Accept you will have crushes on others.
11. If there are children, recognize that love will suffer hugely.
12. Become the sort of person who has no embarrassment about being ‘needy’.
13. Read up about attachment theory.
14. Stop being defensive.
15. Accept that they can’t save you from your own disturbances.
16. Don’t expect everything from love.
17. Be very prepared (though reluctant) to leave.

[aarush]

What saved my marriage? We quit drinking. And I stopped watching sports 15 hours every weekend. Never been happier. Instead of sitting in front of a tv drinking a beer, we spend time together. We play lots of couple games. "Lovify" being our personal favorite. We guess each other expectations on Lovify to understand each other better. We go to the range on the weekends and I go to hobby lobby with her. Life is great 💗

[daviddonnelly]

I find that most problems in life - and in relationships - are that as humans we are extremely prone to jumping to conclusions. And very often our conclusions are quite wrong. Which leads to destructive thoughts and actions. Dont jump to a conclusion ever - ask!

[marie-marie]

18. Something I learned in couples counseling is to always be open to learning from your partner and about your partner. This helps mutual respect grow and for the the relationship to evolve positively. When you’re able to teach each other things you’re not too well versed in, you learn so much more about yourself and each other.

[brugo]

How could we ever live without Alan's voice and guidance?

[AnnoDomini]

Possible #18 - Choose someone who you could see as one of your best friends. You can laugh, be yourself, and share things with, without fearing judgement. You actually look forward to seeing them.

[muditashukla]

I agree to all of them except the one about having other crushes.😅

[krissifadwa]

"The enemy of love is stifled emotion, not maturely explored authenticity."

Man, so true

[MarcPlaysDrums]

This is so encouraging because my wife and I are still happily married and everything in this list is my outlook on our relationship. Some I’ve/we’ve learned and some I/we came into the relationship with. But, we have realized that we are truly meant for each other.

[mr.peanutbutter]

Relationship goals with normal people.

[lesspeculiar]

I love 16 and 17, reminding us that love is not always how we imagine them to be.. and that leaving when a relationship is no longer growing is still a testament of love, in its liberating form.

[Muzzy]

I’m 56 and had two long relationships that needed quite badly. A few years back I had the good fortune to meet a man, somewhat younger than me that naturally lives by most of those 17 ‘rules’. It’s the best relationship I’ve had and the happiest. He lets me be myself, nothing is off limits to talk about, my huge insecurities are acceptable to him and he listens and responds positively. Love, understanding, attraction, adventure - that’s the way to go together

[CamillaNessan]

Beautifully said, certainly in relationship listening is important, listening without judgement or giving unsolicited advice, listening is good enough and compassion.
Finally relationships are not forever and rarely lasts. So financial never depend on anyone.

[Cam-gzwx]

Sort yourself out before getting into a relationship. Many of us have childhood trauma that causes bad traits. These bad traits can cause relationship damage over time. Some of us think we don't have trauma because we are good at covering it up but sometimes if you look carefully you might realize you actually do. Figure it out, heal the trauma. Don't drag that trauma into a relationship. If you are already in a relationship it isn't too late to fix that trauma. It could do your relationship the world of good.