Couples Therapy With A Narcissist? My Experience As A Licensed Therapist…

Over my career as a psychotherapist, most often I would see a client with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) within the context of couples therapy with a partner.

In today’s video, I want to share my experience working with people with NPD when they came in for couples therapy.

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This video was created by Barbara Heffernan, LCSW for educational purposes only. These videos are not diagnostic and provide no individual consultation. Consumption of these materials is for your own education and any medical, psychological, or professional care decisions should be made between you and your primary care doctor or another provider that you are engaged with. Barbara Heffernan is not available for individual consultation via YouTube, social media, or email, and provides services only in the manner mentioned above.

Edited by Video Editing Experts

#CouplesTherapy #NarcissistInTherapy #Narcissist

☀️☀️CHAPTERS☀️☀️
0:00 Intro
4:08 Why They Come to Therapy
6:14 How Does a Therapist Spot NPD
7:46 What Story is Being Told
9:28 When the Narcissist Leaves Therapy
11:22 How a Therapist Councils One-Half of the Couple

[ファミリーフォーラムジャパン]

After four or five different therapists, for varying lengths of time, and our last one whom we stayed with for four years, I have a painful awareness of how complicated this is when someone on the narcissistic spectrum is in the picture and she is attractive, charming, winsome, and plays the innocent victim so perfectly.

Our last.(older male) therapist lied to me multiple times to cover for her destructive behavior, and was unabashedly partial in letting her off the hook and shielding her from discomfort. In the end, he pronounced that I was the cause of most of our marriage problems, because I was an “oblivious narcissist“. Kudos to my wife for an outstanding performance! And shame on incompetent therapists, who lose their objectivity, and give their profession a bad name.

[robingreenlee]

I have to say that after having multiple professionals know what the diagnosis was and not telling me felt like more gaslighting. When finally a family therapist did tell me, after I asked, that was validating. All the other, "well, there's not much to do about the problem", etc. without naming it just made it worse. "The problem" is exhausting and nightmarish. It wears you out and wears you down. It can break you. Not telling the partner when the therapist knows seems like professional negligence. Finally having a family therapist who had interacted with us both separately and together tell me my spouse suffered from NPD was supremely validating. It didn't fix anything, especially the harm cause to others, but I finally had someone who could actually give a diagnosis, give one. It's like not telling the partner that the patient has covid and letting them go home with nothing to the same space. It's not just a personal issue, it's a public health issue.

[janathena]

When my Covert Narcissist husband lost $250, 000 in one week day-trading in the stock market, (he also was sneaking off to casinos and losing money there as well), we went to emergency couple counseling. The CN husband showed up 20 minutes late for the 50 minute session, then named MY transgressions like tending to my roses when his visiting houseguests read books on the patio next to my rose bushes (huh?). Then, when we got home after counseling, the CN husband wouldn't speak to me for the next 5 days. It didn't take me long to realize that I was TOTALLY wasting my time in couples counseling.

[katepapageorgiou]

this is so helpful. I thought my MIL was the root of our relationship difficulties as I knew from the start (I was warned then by his ex and by others I was also warned by relatives of hers) that she was 'not right in the head'. But then she started systematically bullying me. She 'sent me to Coventry' for about 5 years. So I grey walled her after abotu 3 years as it was easier to not try to have a conversation as she would tell me to shut up and but out (in differnet words) and in front of hubby. So I thought he was just under her thumb and too sacred of her. But then she actually started to make me ill and my GP noticed. He spotted from looking at our diaries, that she was causing my 8 boughts of shingles a year. So I tried to get out of seeing her much and she was only allowed to stay over with us for 2 days at a time.
But now he has gone non contact with her and then moved out anyway and is now treating me as badly if not worse than she did.
So I ask for him to start the divorce proceedings and then he is nice and kind for a very little while.
So I think I really do need the divorce

[nathmbr]

Just sharing: I see a therapist since 2021 because my life was a living hell with my husband and I just couldn’t take it anymore. We’ve just had a baby and things got really worse. So yeah, I started seeing her and after a few months, she suggested a couples therapy.
I talked about it with my narcissistic husband and he laughed and answered: Therapy? But you’re already doing it and it’s not working, you didn’t change. She’s not a good therapist. Plus, she’s a woman and of course she’ll be on your side. If you wanna do it, it’s gotta be with a man, so he won’t stay on your side.
Well, once I heard that, I just abandoned the idea. A couples therapy would maybe even make things worse. Plus, every single conversation with him is pointless and it’s just about HIM being the one who’s right and me, always being the one who’s wrong.
Even when he screws up. Even when he treats me like shit. Even when he hides something from me. It’s always “because you made me do it/say it//yell/lie to you”.
I truly don’t know what to do anymore.

[N]

A pitiful short story…

My spouse with narc tendencies wanted us to go to therapy but wouldn’t tell me why. Being the male who usually is not into going to therapy and not knowing why is a lonely place. I went. Young therapist said communicate better. Ok.

About 20 years later, same scenario but this time there was more baggage to discuss. I went. After a few sessions, all 3 had stagnated so I stopped.

13 years ago I discovered the real truth. The first time at the therapist, my narc spouse was in the middle of a 10 year long sexually charged affair with a guy. What was the purpose of going to therapy with your husband when the affair was hot and heavy??

Next therapist and my narc spouse conspired to keep the affair hidden from me. The PHD therapist and my spouse actually kept the truth pinned.

The third therapist was golden. During our second session, he looked at us both and told me that I was doomed from the very first day we met. She would have the same or similar with any spouse.

Crazy crazy truth.

Who would do such things??

[What--ever-]

So at the end of the day the only cure is to leave

[ravensthatflywiththenightm]

My sister's a narcissist. That's all I want to say about it at this moment.

Subscribed.

[stephanieschulze]

I tried to get my ex to go to therapy with me & he told there was nothing wrong with him but I could go. The third time I tried to leave he him, he then wanted to go to therapy. Most likely to prevent me from leaving. I went to a session & he said things that I had never heard from him. Shocked, i tried to to say that but was shut down & it was over with home work to do. We were to make a list of things we wanted the other person to do for us. I was really stunned as I thought it was all about him trying to exploit me to manipulate me to stay

[franciscoguevara]

I grew up in a home with a narc parent and after finding safe enough people to tell my story and get empathized with and validated as a survivor I also got shown the tools of gentleness on myself and healthy boundaries which with time I started applying and my inner child and true self came out again and now i try to choose safe enough people where i will get my needs met and can keep sharing my true self . With time and these videos you learn to see people with that domineering energy and I can choose to be civil and keep a healthy distance and share my true self anyway and take my space anyway. And for the circle of people I can choose I choose safe enough people where i can get my needs met in workeable available relationships, and try to keep healing, in my journey with gentleness humor love and respect . Narcs will bring out their abusive self in some relationships like marriage etc. In the outside world they're more navigatable, but it's ok to keep a healthy distance civility and boundariess when necessary and keep choosing my safe enough people, for the circle of people I can choose, for workeable and available relationships, we are worth it, with Gentleness humor love and respect healthy self and corregulation were worth it 💙💙💙💙💙💙💙

[Mycentsonhere]

Thank you, very much for detangling this for me. I am not sure why some people take on too much responsibility for things others should do. this is very helpful. I find myself in this trap and I am struggling to set boundaries even today. I always attract some shitty partners who want to take advantage of my helping nature. In the last year, I've tried my best to not really go into an imbalanced relationship. The moment I see some imbalance, I just break it off without any further damage. This is the only way to protect myself. Your ideas on setting more boundaries would be great.

[corinnaketterling]

That was super interesting, thank you. I guess in the therapist's role one finds oneself in a real dilemma in these cases, which must be quiet tricky. Your view on that topic was very insightful.

[jencameron]

I've always felt that if any therapist is worth their weight in gold, a resounding red flag for them would be that the couple is coming from two completely diametrically opposing points of view right from the very beginning of treatment. AND, is knowledgeable in the area of NPD, since it is seemingly at epidemic proportions.

[daliborilic]

Thank you, the video is incredibly insightful.

[amarbyrd]

So ... when it's a narcissistic PARENT who recommends it - because they want to do their best to make YOU the problem, the therapist tends to blame the victim/ survivor for problems the narcissist not only causes or aggravates ... but the narcissist, who refuses to take responsibility for ANYTHING ... well, you get where I'm going with this
But there are *not enough THERAPISTS who recognize this or even receive any training around it. So it seems to me that both the couples therapy and family therapy models need to CHANGE to accommodate that. Otherwise victim/survivors have literally no resources to get help.

[s.martinez]

Thanks for this video. To make a long story short I'm now fully aware of the monster I'm currently living with, and I'm fully clear that our relationship is finito! However: My toxic partner may be done with me, but she doesn't want to leave me! How hypocrite is that! I have the best cards here as we're not married, the house is fully mine and we do not share anything, nor any common bank accounts. We only have a 9 year old daughter in common, that's all. As stated before my partner has had it with me but does not want to leave as it's obviously totally inconvenient to her, so she's not that stupid I have to say. She then says things like:
- "I have my rights, you cannot just kick me out"
- "I'm staying because of our daughter, I don't want her to get traumatized" -> to be quite honest: our daughter already gets traumatized by mom's toxic behavior
- "I've carried our daughter for 9 months and I gave birth to her so she's mine!"
- etc....

I know she's bluffing a lot and by the time I decide to quit the relationship, she may collapse completely. But there's also the possibility she will get everything out to destroy me and I don't want to generalize but it's very typical that she as the woman starts acting like the victim, crying out loud I've mistreated her and or abused our child and then the consequences are for me, as the man is always the bad one unfortunately.

[stevebutler]

Dr Drew wrote about this epidemic rise in narcissism in 2009, “The Mirror Effect.”
Review: “Drew Pinsky takes a hard look at the profound changes blogging, tweeting, tabloids, and reality TV are having on the American way of life.”

[DHW]

Based on what has been described, and what we kids experienced, Mom was a malignant narcissist and Dad was her enabler. The only counseling they attended, that I'm aware of, was when Mom insisted that I needed therapy in the presence her and Dad. The excuse was my temper was too hot, and I was always defiant. I later understood Mom was projecting the shame she felt over the emotional and physical abuse she exerted.

After a few weeks of sessions, the therapist excused me so that she could talk with Mom and Dad. About 45 minutes later they walked out of the office, Mom fuming that the therapist was incompetent for pointing out her problems, need for counseling. Naturally, the sessions ended, and Mom went on manipulating everyone and destroying her own family. I wish Mom and Dad had developed the strength and love to overcome the family curse.

[dysco]

I’m curious if narcissists can change? Obviously those of us who survive them have difficult stories. How do they feel knowing they aren’t able to truly accept love? How do they cope to let people in authentically?

[Charlie-bcyg]

Answering the question of why I want the diagnosis. I know I'm in an abusive marriage. But my fear is that I leave it when she can change. If I know change isn't possible, I feel like I won't have the guilt. But that remains to be seen. I don't see her in therapy anytime soon.