9 things you should NEVER do in couples therapy

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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.

THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.

[lynng]

This brings back memories...when the counselor said, "go home and pack a bag and get away from him"! I did.

[TxHoneyBee]

Instead of spending thousands in couples therapy with a narcissist, dump the narcissist and go on a week or two of vacation instead. Smile. Enjoy life.

[Faith]

It should be the therapisťs job/responsibility to educate themselves on narcissism.

[lisadunkle]

It was my therapist who actually talked to me individually about what I needed to know about divorce and custody. It took a few sessions, but she saw right through him and challenged him directly about his manipulations. He went in there like “Poor me” but it didn’t work for long. Once she challenged him, he decided he didn’t like her, and I went by myself. That’s when she really helped me find a path out. I’m forever grateful to her.

[irismckay]

Great video. As a divorce lawyer in California, I've heard many stories from clients about how their couples therapy helped confirm the fact they were married to a narcissist. Several patterns emerged. One from wives was that their husbands were very charming and low key in therapy--trying to identify with a male therapist or trying to seduce a female therapist. The other trend was that the therapist did not label the narcissist (as you' said), but instead, simply said, this person isn't going to change, so you need to make the decision to stay or go. The good news was that many women reported walking out or not tolerating a therapist who gaslighted them or identified with the narcissist. It's great that you're providing this wonderful 'free' education. Many clients have said they've gotten basic understanding of narcissism from YouTube.

[RPalo]

Therapy should be about healing. It is a weapon with a narcissistic partner.

[stealthwarrior]

"Don't stay with a therapist that gaslights you" great advice thanks Dr. Ramani

Save your money you will waste on therapy and get a great lawyer instead

[jeannieeakin]

Was married to two different Narcissists, went to therapy with both. I can tell you the only thing I got out of it was the clear realization that we needed to divorce.

[sharonfoster]

Thankfully, I had a therapist who recognized, over time, that my husband was a narcissist & let me know that my two choices were to either live with things as they were, because my husband was incapable of changing, or remove myself from the marriage. This affirmation that I wasn't the cause of all of our trouble & couldn't make.things better by myself, gave me the courage to leave. Well, actually, my ex readily left because he was already in a long term relationship that I didn't know about.
I thank God for a therapist who understood narcissism

[sarahtilson]

This woman has no idea how much she's helped me. I was really beginning to lose my mind and my own values. I'm trying to create healthy boundaries and work on my marriage... But all in all I'm very thankful for this channel.

[lesleyhallett]

Needed you a decade ago. It's really hard to find a counsellor knowledgable about narcissism. If you're fortunate enough to find one that will actually investigate the narc's behaviours, he/she will leave that therapist. And... they don't stay in therapy themselves. Nothing wrong with them as you know. These relationships and the subsequent abuse suffered via the divorce process and legal system is abusive and destructive in unimaginable ways. I even begged one therapist to read a book on Gaslighting before I'd meet with her. It was a disaster. It's crazy-making. The professionals deny your reality too.
i hope you and (your knowledge) become insanely contagious and understood worldwide. We need change so badly..

[hootnholler]

My ex came to counseling with me once. The only way I could get him there was to make him think my counselor needed his input about my “undesirable behavior”. I knew he had been cheating on me with Ella, and during the counseling session, we agreed to put a moratorium on her and he put on a BIG show for the counselor. Sang my praises, gushed about how much he loved me. I had hope. We left the session in different cars. I went home. He went to the gym. When he came home from the gym, guess who he was on the phone with? Ella. When I confronted him, he said, “What, did you want me to LIE and say it was my brother or something?” Like it was MY fault for asking for the truth. I was in shock. I’m very lucky to have an amazing counselor who understands narcissism. He helped me remember my strength.

[emilytatum]

The best thing that ever came out of couples therapy with a narcissist was the mantra, only pay attention to the actual words that come out of his mouth, ignore the tone of voice, facial gestures or unspoken messages. I did not realize to what an extent that I was honing in on the non-verbal messaging. This forced the narcissist to actually say what he wanted. If he said, ‘sure, I want to go see your parents for Sunday lunch’ that I should take him at his words, and ignore the sarcastic tone and eye rolling and respond with, ’ that’s awesome, I’ll call them now’

It was so much fun making him actually say what he wanted. It was so freeing to be able to ignore the tone of voice and to quit trying to figure out what he was saying. Did not realize how much time and energy that was taking and started me on the road to freedom.

He subsequently snowed the therapist who told me, ‘someone had to live with Hemingway...’ but by then I was able to leave both my husband and that therapist!

Life is good!

[annettefabiano]

Thank you for your validation. I tried to tell my therapist something that I recently became aware of and her response was " Boy, you're really getting paranoid". It really hurt my feelings for many reasons I don't need to explain. I think it's time to find a new therapist.

[ophelia]

Years ago I went to my family doctor in tears asking him to please refer my ex and I for marriage counselling. We talked for a couple of minutes and he told me not to attempt the counselling because he would just say and do everything right and in turn we’d get nowhere. I listened and afterward sought counselling on my own. I’ve finally found an amazing therapist. Thanks to my family doc I bypassed something that could have sent me further down the dark path that was my marriage.

[annikamin]

Dr. Ramani, thanks for doing this video. This is not talked about enough. Couples counseling when one partner has strong narcissistic traits can just be so psychologically dangerous. More people need to be aware. Thank you for increasing awareness!

[trhair]

When I was married now divorced. We went to 3 different therapists prior to the third catching the NPD of the ex. Couples Tlherapy in my opinion does not help the victim while in the relationship. It is a complete waste of your time and money to go to therapy with a narc partner. If you want work on you and get strong enough to leave go the therapist alone. Couples therapy actually gives your narc more fuel to prolong the abuse, future fake you and continue the games. We went for 17 months before I had enough and filed for divorce. Dr. Ramani I did everything I could before I ended my 23 year plus marriage. As a survivor I can say they dont change EVER. Do the work on your healing and leave them your life is better without their dysfunction. Love yourself more. Thank you for this video

[veronicasmith]

I knew nothing about narcissism when we went between having two children bc I refused to have another child without going. We lasted 4 sessions of him treating me like he was love bombing me in front of the therapist and the fourth session was me alone with the therapist because she said I had “low self esteem”. Hmmm I wonder why!!!! I’m 6 months free from my marriage with a no contact order in place after domestic violence. Thank you thank you for all of these videos, they are incredibly validating of my experiences with a covert/malignant narcissist.

[BirchWitch]

We had a family therapist tell us that we were all “just a bunch of complainers”, I was so messed up after that! We went through 4 therapists before I finally realized that he was a narcissist, thank you so much Dr. Ramani, for saving my life!

[mamaly-ke]

So in other words, couples therapy doesn’t work when your partner is a narcissist, and if end up going to couples therapy, don’t expect anything and to top it off, I am suppose to act a part & treat the therapist as a patient.
I tried five different therapists & I know for the fact that you are 100% correct.