How To Tell If Love Is Platonic Or Romantic

GABY'S TIKTOK: dabygunn

[hannahwitton]

a term I've come across recently is "queerplatonic relationship" or QPR which I believe comes from the ace community. totally agree about not needing to put labels on things but if folks are wanting/searching for something to describe how they're feeling/their relationship structure this could be something to look into!

[TiredofDrama]

If I had to answer this question, it would be by giving examples.

1. When I have romantic feelings toward someone receiving a text from them for the first few times makes me both happy and excited, but when it's someone I see platonically it's only happiness initially and then (if we become good friends) neutrality (possibly because I get used to talking to them).
2. When I get really upset, if they leave me on read or take too long to answer, I know it's probably romantic, because with a friend I'd be more patient or I'd just doubletext them to answer to my previous message!
3. When I find myself in situations that I overthink what I should say to them, text them (or even if I should text them) and I'm worried what they might think of the smallest thing I do, that normally no one would even pay attention to, I know it's probably romantic.
4. When I really don't feel like I want to go out at all (maybe because I'm tired or have things to do) and a person I have romantic feelings towards asks me out, I will instantly feel like I want to go, while with a friend I'd say we should meet tomorrow for example.
5. When I see them getting close to someone else I feel jealous, which I know could happen with a best friend as well, but the difference is: with my best friend I'd get jealous if I knew it was a meaningful relationship that could possibly replace ours, with a romantic interest it would be even small interactions with people I think they could possibly find attractive. (Just to make it clear when I say jealous, I don't mean angry and annoyed, I literally mean just having a weird feeling and not being able to put your finger on why you feel this way)
6. When I'm with a group of people that I know I like and am close with all or most of them, I find myself wanting to be near the person I have romantic feelings towards by sitting next to them or finding a way to make conversation with them. I'd do that with a best friend or friend I haven't seen in a long time as well, but again the difference for me is the combination of all those things together.

I think most of those apply to me because I have not made it clear to the person that I am romantically interested in them, so I feel like I have no "right" to feel those things. When I actually am with someone, I always communicate my feelings, so I don't really feel the above, but by then I already know it's romantic.

[madisoncorley]

Good to know I’m not the only one to be confused about this topic, and even better to hear such a validating perspective from you two. I’m autistic and have always been confused about these things and I always feel that the way Gaby and Allison share their thoughts helps me to better understand and articulate my own.

[LoganRexus]

This hits home for me. I’m in a sexual relationship with a very dear friend who I love platonically, but I do not have romantic feelings for her. But when I try to explain that to others, I struggle to articulate how I *know* my feelings for her are non-romantic / platonic. I just know.

[SolarBeingAsh]

I haven't seen any other comments bring up this term, but perhaps a useful label could be alterous attraction or feelings. Alterous attraction is a desire for/interest in an emotional connection with someone.
Understanding this term and queerplatonic relationships (qpr's) and looking at my relationships through that lens has been extremely liberating for me.
Hope this helps!

[zoeeleftheriadis]

Crap. Came for an actual answer, be comfortable with the grey area is not what I wanted to hear 😂 but really, it's accurate. The only thing that really defines a relationship is what the parties involved view it as

[AllenNormandie]

Gabby’s haircut suits them well. A look. A vibe. I’m into it.

[asunnybooknook]

Boston marriages were actually like lesbian relationships between upper class academics and wellesley college graduate/professor/etc type women that everyone subliminally recognized to be gay but were coded as friendships or referred to as "Boston marriages" to avoid stigma so I think the latter part of what Gaby said was more in line

[Rachel-xfop]

Oh I love this question! It’s something I’ve thought about a lot because I also am super curious about how other people experience these things. I’m bi, but have at different points in my life wondered if I was asexual or aromantic (I’ve come to the conclusion that I could be described as demi or gray-asexual, but it’s not personally meaningful or helpful so I don’t use those labels). But for me, sexual and romantic attraction are so intertwined that I can’t separate them from each other. I think romance in particular is very nebulous and difficult to define, and has a different meaning to everyone. Some people experience these things so differently from me that I’ll never really know what they mean, but I still love hearing about their experiences.

[sunnc]

This is interesting. My platonic relationships are very clearly platonic to me like I love you but it's in a friend way & we're both on that same page. In romantic/sexual relationships there's this deeper feeling I have in my heart for this person. I feel more connected, I want to know everything about you & I share more of myself. Platonic is more airy & lightweight while romantic is more intense & nuanced.

[nainajude]

THANK YOU FOR THIS!! I'm going to send this to my friends- I'm aromantic and have such a tough time explaining this but now I feel relieved that I don't *have* to have/describe a definitive marker. None of my friends have been *insisting* on me explaining anything, we were just all curious about what we experience and I wanted to explain "perfectly". But that's not a possibility, you'll are right. Such a nice sense of relief ☺️

[xenwarriorbrat]

I am also asexual and probably nb, but looking at difference close relationships I've formed with people, I do see a difference between the two, which isn't just about (or primarily about) sex. I agree that this may be impossible to define, but here's an attempt at my personal distinction:

I think romantic attraction is a kind of benign or beneficial co-dependence (consider the word literally... not in the unhealthy psychological sense). It's an agreement between individuals to become in many ways a single unit, to be intertwined and share some common purpose. That doesn't mean they don't retain their own personalities and goals, but they are creating something new together in a way that platonic friendships don't necessarily. This can be a lifetime effort, or it can be a fun evening of intoxicating infatuation.

Working with this definition, I think it's entirely possible for platonic relationships to sometimes lean towards romantic, or to fluctuate between platonic and romantic. If you think of the classic "bromance" it's not *all* homophobic Hollywood justification of close male relationships... its also totally a thing for two people to have a non-sexual relationship where they are very "into" each other in a way that I think is fair to consider romantic.

[amramrTM]

A way I think about my romantic attraction is that I wouldn't mind expressing it through romantic acts like giving chocolate, romantic kissing, buying roses for them romantically, etc. When I am not experiencing romantic feelings for someone, these acts would not be the end all way to express my feelings since there is no romantic feelings and it would feel uncomfortable since it wouldn't reflect my genuine feelings.

btw, I am a romance positive greyromantic individual. I know what romance feels like to me but I don't feel it often. I am very happy with my queer platonic partner and we don't obsess over romance since the feeling isn't there in that way. We are still very devoted to one another just as a romantic couple might be, just we don't have romantic feelings for one another.

[ArtichokeHunter]

I feel like it is both pretty important as an acespec person to come to terms with not being able to fully understand these things and like... it may be pretty easy for these two alloromantic people to say that it doesn't matter. Ace and aro identity kinda hinges on identifying whether or not you experience certain types of attraction, for better or worse, so it's a lot of accept that you might just never know what your identity is in these ways. For a particular relationships it might not matter what you call it, but for a sense of self, I'm always looking for answers to these questions and some way of understanding how my experiences do or don't relate to "mainstream" experiences and to the shared experiences of different groups of people (and the language they use).

It's also interesting to hear Gaby talk about "platonic romantic" relationships because they seem to be presenting "platonic" as the opposite of "sexual" rather than the opposite of "romantic, " as I'm accustomed to it.

[FLAGENHAW]

I'm in my very first romantic relationship right now. I have dated people before who I was friends with and had sex with but I wasn't sexually or romantically attracted to them, I was just lonely and horny. I've also had friends with benefits. I wasn't sure if I could have romantic feelings to be honest, as I'm 25 and all my friends have loved before. But here we are. It feels different to other dynamics I've had but the best way I can describe it is extremely comfortable. So maybe that's just the goal.

[bluaaahhhh]

I love this
It is been a while since I checked your content (sorry) and I am so glad that it still hits the same wholesome ways it did before
Keep it up with deep emotional thinking, this world needs you

[AvivaRuth]

wow. there's someone in my life who i love beyond belief, and I've been trying to find the sexual feelings for him, like trying to will them into existence, because I know I feel romantic feelings towards him. I'm a demisexual, so I thought once I feel close enough to someone to develop romantic feelings, the sexual feelings will come. but maybe they don't have to. maybe it can be romantic and platonic? so interesting

[howdycowboy]

The person who saw themselves in this question was ME. Thank you listener whose name i forgot!!

[nanamishita]

Amazing video! I have been struggling and feeling bad 'cause i could not explain myself to a friend felt romantic attraction to me. But now i feel releive that there ir not a exact definiticion for romantic atraccion/relashipship.

Thank you so much! Now i have a source to share with my cishetero friends

Sending lots of love from Mexico :3

[indeboss]

Love the hairstyle changes for both of you, you rock it 🥳