How to Talk to a Parent With Dementia

Caring for a parent or a spouse with dementia requires a special touch. In this video, caregiving expert Pamela D Wilson shares insights and recommendations to improve communication and understand the behaviors of persons with dementia or Alzheimer's disease.



* Listen to The Caring Generation Podcast on Apple, Spotify, Pandora, or Pamela’s Website, where you can access the transcript and links to documents mentioned during the show.

TCG on Apple Podcasts

TCG on Spotify:

TCG on Pandora

The Caring Generation on Pamela’s Website

* Are you caring for aging parents or yourself?

* Are you trying to figure out the responsibilities of being an agent under legal power of attorney?
Do you realize it’s time to complete your documents and you are unsure who to appoint as a power of attorney agent?

* Are you wondering if you should be a guardian for a loved one?

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[eurokay]

20 years ago? That explains so much! My mother began, in small but very hurtful ways, being just cruel to me, her middle child and only daughter, about 20 years ago. Random, senseless acts, like not inviting me on family trips, insulting me in front of others, etc. Even if I had done something really awful, these actions just wouldn't be her personal way, or so I thought. It's been going on for so long now that it's become her personality and it's definitely affected our relationship.
Over the past year, the signs of dementia became much more obvious. She was still so haughty and dismissive about the appointment with neuropsychiatry: she refused to go for half a day of testing, saying it was unnecessary. Even though my father was a psychiatrist and a beloved father and husband, she indicated that, at least as to her, the whole profession was unnecessary!
She finally went, but couldn't follow the directions and got lost trying to find the right desk, then was so hostile to the staff that the first hour was spent calming her down. She failed every single one of the memory tests, but did o.k. on the others. She was livid, furious at the diagnosis. Refuses to refer to the PhD who tried to counsel her as a "doctor." She associates me with the whole process, I suppose, because the hostility is barely hidden. I find it necessary to remove myself from being around her for the most part now that she'd moved into an assisted living situation. Over the past 15-20 years, it seems to me that the dementia slowly removed her inhibitions, and she simple became less able to disguise her real feelings of resentment and vengeance (her word) toward me, and less able to pretend she likes me.
I wish I could believe the memories of the mother I thought I had, but she's quite deliberately done and said such hurtful, hateful things over the past 15 years or so, it's hard to care about anything beyond making sure she's safe and comfortable.

[kindnessisnotweakness]

I’m curious how to handle them with humor or redirect them when they’re screaming at you that “My daughter never helps me” and so many awful things it’s enough to make you want to end your life when you don’t even want to be caring for these people. I know I sound like a terrible person. I don’t want to care for them isn’t it ok to walk away to save your own life. That’s my concern. I’m scared for my own life. They scream at me to do unsafe things with my body. I am so glad I found this today. I need resources.

[anne-marievanrooyen]

My Dad has been diagnosed with Dementia. I took care of him for a year and just couldn't cope. He would " mark his territory" he wee' d everywhere and still does. He lives with my daughter now, she takes very good care of him. He is always packed and ready to leave. Last week he ran away from my daughter's house, he was on his way home😢. He meticulously planned his escape. I am so grateful that I came accross this video and will certainly be sharing this with my daughter. My Dad does not recognize me anymore. My main concern is that my Dad runs away again. We were very blessed to have a caring community that helped as look for and find my Dad.❤

[donniecatalano]

This afternoon, I had to come to the realization that my father is pretty much neck deep in dementia. He has been a brilliant mind, very dynamic and strong. In such a short time he's now unrecongnizable. It's so scary

[indranidasgupta]

Do you tell them the truth or go along with the delusions? My mom kept saying that my dad is around her. She’s been doing this off and on for two years now. I don’t know what to say to her. My dad passed in 2022. She does know he’s gone. But it seems the dementia takes over at times. She remembers most long term memories but forgets short term things like what she ate that morning. She has an MND (it’s called PSP - Progressive Supranuclear Palsy) and the dementia is beginning. You are so right about her knowing when I’m upset. Once when she told me my dad was sitting there with her, I almost lost it and began to cry. I hid it quickly and moved to another part of the room. When I turned back I saw that she was watching me and her eyes were huge and intent on my face. I hugged her and she held my hands and wouldn’t let go. I had the feeling that she knew the truth and knew I was suffering. I love her so much… my heart is breaking. Every day.

[fashionvivation]

Thank you, Pamela! As the sole and new caregiver for my father with dementia, I am not always sure of the right things to do and feel so alone in this journey. My sister lives out of state and gets an opportunity to visit once a year. It is difficult to express the day-to-day struggles and unknowns of caregiving to her. Your videos help me understand what my father is going through, how to handle situations better and realize I am not alone in my caregiving experiences.

[cynthiagonzalez]

You hit the nail on the head!! Dementia happens 20years before the diagnosis. I have had patients with obvious dementia symptoms with no diagnosis in their chart. The doctor/nurse/ relatives have no clue. The children think that the parent is just being difficult (esp if the patient has always had a difficult personality). No one has spent enough time with the patient to notice....

[b.bernal]

I wish I had found your channel sooner. My my was just diagnosed with dementia. She moved in with me for three months, but it was affecting me mentally and physically so I placed her in an ALF. Within a week at the facility, she had to be placed under hospice care. That’s how quickly she has been deteriorating. My mom has always had issues with anxiety and she’s a very negative person. Our relationship has never really been a close one and I moved out at 18. So I’m sure there were signs of the dementia that I just attributed to her character. As an only child she is my sole responsibility. I’ve realized that I made mistakes while she was under my care. For example, trying to reason with her. Sometimes it’s best to let professionals deal with our loved ones care. I made sure to look for a good ALF and I visit her often to make sure she is well taken care of.

[storyteller]

Had to find a place to vent..
Momma just passed..
An I am so lost..
I miss you momma .. rite now we be sharing time when there were no words..
I spent the past 6 years with you every..
We were a great team..
You were adorable.. I enjoyed getting to reaily know you..
An it broke my heart watching you leave..
I watch the shows you watched..
An I can still hear you yelling at the TV .
I remember you..dumping iced tea on Brenda in the closet..
You loved to hate her..
Laughing an clapping your lil hands to Golden girls..
It was a hard journey for you .
Moments of clarity.. were the worst at times .
My goal was to make sure your end was happier then the beginning..
An it was .
You smiled a lot ..
Had loads of fun...I spoiled you rotten:)

You had to go .. friends were waiting on you..
An I am.heer trying to pull.it together .
An to top it off remember Janice ..momma?? My 17 year old Bassett ..
She got run over the other day momma..
It was horrible..
So I miss you both..
Maybe she's with you an hope..
I Love YOU 💗
Fly free momma

[louisel.sinniger]

Wow, that is VERY impressive. I am a nurse that works in long term care and that is EXACTLY how I approach dealing with care of some of our clients. The sad truth is that too many workers who work in these facilities don’t have the knowledge and or skills and become frustrated with these clients. The management expects these workers to provide care but too many don’t know how let alone understand how. I don’t believe it is their fault it is just that most don’t have the necessary training / education to deal with some of the challenging residents. Too many nursing homes are strapped for good help so the environment in and of itself is challenging. I try to educate some of the workers in funny ways and by example. I am a supervisor and I come to the floor to help out. I am hopeful the workers will see how I deal with stressful situations to know it can be done but they as workers have to do a bit of creative approaches to be successful. Thank you for such good information.

[vikkihorchar]

Thank you for your videos. I'm an independent contractor/consultant & am blessed enough to bring my 81 yr. old mother with me to work, & we live together. I've noticed signs of dementia at a significant rate in a short 3 month period. Thankfully my 25 yr. old son lives with us & helps me tremendously. Your videos have helped me to teach my son better ways to understand & communicate with his beloved grandma. Mom just told me yesterday that she's laughed with me more in one day, than she has in a year without me. My son & I are avid believers in the power of humor 🤣 & love to laugh. We just keep on loving her & laughing & praying 🙏. God bless you for all you do.

[passionatesingle]

Knowledge is power! The more I learn about this disease and how to handle someone with dementia the better it is for both my mum and I. I also have my dad who at 92 is finding it challenging seeing his wife like this. After 3 years of being her primary cargiver I would say that the hardest part has been dealing with wanting to go home and the few occasions mum has been difficult to deal with is because we didn't approach the situation properly. Now it's just easier getting in the car, even three times a day and driving around until she is tired and ready to return to her house of 62years. Saying 'no' the biggest mistake you can make in my opinion when she is agitated and wanting to do things her way. As long as it's safe I validate what she is feeling or experiencing and then try to redirect her. It usually far and she is going onto stage 6.

[simplyscraphappy]

My Dad is now in a Memory Care Unit, and mostly is sweet, caring, very settled and happy to be there making new friends.

However, we have had to cut off a former friend/girlfriend and he's upset with us for not helping him get in touch with her.

It's so hard! But this lady was trying to get his money, yelling at him, yelling at staff ... way over the top with her own emotional problems.

So - I guess you could say my number one concern has been the times we've had to step in and "parent" my dad because his sense of good judgement is gone.

He was always such a wise and intelligent person. A lot of that is still there, but he's totally vulnerable and childlike in other ways.

[deborahbrown]

Great video! I’ve been saying for years mom has something going on in her brain along the lines of dementia and unfortunately it’s hard to get diagnosed in early stages and with no cure currently it’s not the worst thing to happen but by the time my mom got diagnosed she’s gone from annoying beliefs and behaviors to almost helpless in what seemed like overnight. Seeing her now and looking back at some of her strange beliefs and actions I believe it started years ago and now all of those quirks make sense. It is stressful, it is heartbreaking and it is hard work but I truly believe the more we can educate ourselves the better it is for all concerned❤️

[outcastbeta]

My mama passed away yesterday thanks for your tips and advice they helped a lot

[Gtnit]

My mum has dementia, I have been caring for her over six months now, which feels like a life time but also like it started just yesterday.
Mums memory is basically gone. Her body is in amazing shape and I can see it lasting at least ten more years.
Ground hog day has been our life and I'm not surviving it too well. At first her happy little oblivion smile and I don't know who you are but I'd like to be friends demeaner was charming and cute but now her calling me Mum is grating to my very soul, her foot steps in the morning are like approaching doom causing a tight knot in my stomach. I don't want to see that shell every morning, I don't want to live everyday over and over and over. She shouldn't have to either, I know that if she could see and realize what this disease has taken from her and left her with she would not want to be here.
But she has no idea, my father and her repeatedly said that they would not go to a home and to my horror at the time, Dad would off handily say "you don't have to worry we will not be around when that time comes". But he left it too long because he didn't realize he was slipping, he is now in a dementia ward, my sadness with this whole ordeal is consuming and suffocating.
No one afflicted with this disease would want to be living like that.
I wish I could have remembered my parents the way they were and not have these memories of WHAT not who they have become overriding the ones of better times. Every day is sad, every day is like the last, everyday is just everyday.
You want me to enter her world and be somebody else, to pretend that her world is where I live, to survive in her confused addled mind where day and night don't even exist? where everything she ever was, loved, saw, knew or accomplished is now just a dream or faint pop in memory somewhere in there, for one fleeting moment across a lit face that almost resembles my Mum, to see that light leave and watch that blank sagging delirium replace it once more?
Your solution is to become who she is well before my time? I have no doubts that I am heading down the same path and I sincerely hope that I can save my family the same heart ache, frustration and sorrow in time before I get too far down the darkening tunnel to realize that I have dragged them into it with me. :(

[peterstanghellini]

Thank you for addressing this topic. My initial response is to try to have a logical conversation with mom and address things step by step. Apparently, I need to try your approach

[terricoppola]

Thank you Pamela! As a new caregiver to my mom with Parkinson’s and dementia I needed to hear this. I understand now how it is like speaking another language and their brain doesn’t understand. I try to make jokes and keep things light as much as possible. Hugs, kisses and back rubs help put my mom in a better mood. This is the hardest job that I ever had and I appreciate seeing your videos that guide me through the next challenge. God Bless you. 🙏🏻❤️

[kimmieuhl]

You are what I call an Earth Angel. You and your videos are a blessing. I'm just starting this journey with my mom and your information is invaluable. Thank you so very much. 💜

[gregusmc]

I want to imitate Dana Carvey’s old SNL skit “The McLaughlin Group” and shout “WRONG! NEXT ISSUE!!” but she’s my mom and, despite the fact that she used to LOVE that skit, and Carvey in-general, I doubt she’d like it coming from me now. I’m very new to this whole situation—mom is an 88 year old retired (and much beloved) college English professor of 37 years, and she always prided herself at being able to help anyone with questions about grammar, writing, spelling, vocabulary, etc…and it’s so hard to watch her struggle to find a word and not be able to remember things we discussed only minutes before. I’m her only caregiver, she lives with me and my son, I work full-time and recently took a massive pay cut in exchange for a 3 day per week, 12 hour per day position that allows me to be home with her Monday through Thursday. She also has bronchiectasis—a chronic lung disease—and she’s never smoked a day in her life. She had an cerebral angioplasty two years ago and still has a small aneurysm in her brain that hasn’t been operated on. She is completely deaf in her left ear and 65% deaf in her right. Last week I had to rush her to the ER due to what I thought (and my neurologist cousin also thought) was a stroke. After 48 hours in the hospital she was released with a diagnosis of “vertigo.” I am trying to learn how to talk with her without upsetting her or becoming frustrated and angry myself. Thank you for publishing this information. Truly.