Relationship Challenges On the Spectrum

Being on the spectrum comes with its own set of challenges, especially in the context of relationships. Today I'm sharing 7 autistic challenges I face on a daily basis when it comes to navigating my relationship with my allistic (non-autistic) husband. 👩‍❤️‍👨

❤️ 🧡 💛 MY FAVORITE THINGS 💚 💙 💜

🟥🟧🟨 SUPPORT THE CHANNEL 🟩🟦🟪
1️⃣ If you have been positively impacted by the channel and would like to show your support, you can do so in the following ways 🤗

🟢 Venmo: @TaylorHeaton

2️⃣ MELTDOWN SURVIVAL GUIDE ⭐️✨🤩💃💪
Name Your Price for my custom-created 11-page Meltdown Survival Guide to help you make it through the tough times.

👏🏻 FREE 👏🏻 WAYS TO SHOW YOUR SUPPORT 🦾
🟥 SUBSCRIBE to the channel
🟧 LIKE the videos that are helpful to you
🟨 COMMENT in the comment section
🟩 Click the “bell” to be notified when I release new videos

🙏 Thank you immensely to those of you who have already donated, been active on the channel, and/or purchased the Meltdown Survival Guide!
# WhatDreamsAreMadeOf # IsThisMyLife

🖱 Click on any of the time markers below to jump to a specific section. 🖥

💓 Please SUBSCRIBE! It helps others *like us* find the resources they're looking for. Thank you for your support!

⏱ Time Markers 💻
Relationship Post-Diagnosis (1:32)
Alone Time (1:41)
Social Situations (2:12)
Zoning Out (2:55)
Delayed Processing (3:29)
Alexithymia (3:40)
Managing Mental Health (4:55)
Ok but Not Ok (6:12)
Takeaways (7:11)

📚 Resources 🧸

Alexithymia and Autism

__________________

I'm Tay, a married mom of 2 who was diagnosed with Autism at 31 years old. This was after YEARS of therapy (and all of the self tests in the world!). My diagnosis has brought up questions, frustration, doubt, but most importantly, a new level of self compassion and understanding.

I'm here to share knowledge, resources, and products that empower other neurodivergents (and their loved ones) to live freely and creatively. I'm not a doctor so please speak with your healthcare providers before implementing any recommendations I make on my channel.

Females are under-diagnosed due to lack of research. Please share any videos that are helpful to you so we can spread awareness and acceptance.

Music by Milky Wayvers ("Mountain")

#autism #autistic #aspergers

[CelynBrum]

I can get very emotionally fixated and start spiralling with upset or anger. I realised this was happening less around my husband and asked him why. Apparently he has been distracting me with hugs, blocking my line-of-sight to whatever triggered the spiral, and lobbing gentle non-confrontational distractions at me. Once I'm out of the spiral we can handle the actual problem. I love him so much!

[eisdamme]

I relate so hard to the "are you okay" thing - I hear that a lot from people when I am intensely focused on headthoughts/or even just doing a special interest that isn't verbal/soundmaking - I know I have resting bitchface, but it's really just me unmasked and in my own thoughts enough to not be trying to put on a specific expression. Also: alexithymia and dampened emotions - there are a lot of emotions (mostly on the anger side) that just don't look like what people expect. I don't get "angry", I get resigned, sad and slightly disappointed - sometimes it takes me months to sort out a feeling, and sometimes the feeling never comes, despite an impression that I "should" feel a certain way.

[rlee]

The stone face!!! 😁 my husband says, are you talking to me in your head..? Because I cannot hear you when you talk to me in your head. 🤣

[mynamenotgiven]

The alone time made me feel like I was weaker or more abnormal since I would feel better after a Mommy Timeout session.

I would literally hide in the bathroom from my own children because they are *unintentionally* DEMANDING, HIGH ENERGY, and sometimes CONFUSING to me. I couldn't understand why they always want to be around me. Always.

It's so nice to find a late-diagnosed Autism Mom to learn from. I'm currently considering getting officially diagnosed, since my daughter will be tested soon (we both check off a lot of the symptoms).

At least if I truly am Autistic, my daughter and I will be able to go through it together and bond better. I don't feel bad for myself, but I do feel more anxiety and guilt that she may have gotten it from me.

If TMI, sorry but you are relatable and I'm appreciating that you shared your videos!

[abbygryder]

My husband is late diagnosed Autistic and I have ADHD, and this video is SO relatable!

[T.T.M.]

I can really relate to the delayed processing during conversations/ arguments with my husband!, I need time to get away by myself and go over the situation and figure things out. I also can relate to my relationship with my husband being my most cherished relationship and that it does have its challenges but I’m so glad he is willing to accept me and make things work. I am truly blessed.

[whitneymason]

I can totally relate on so many levels! I tend to zone out and have delayed responses to situations too. I definitely identify as an empath and one thing that has been challenging over the years for us is how much I take on other people's problems and emotions. One thing that has helped with that has been practicing mindfulness with my therapist (she also moonlights as yoga teacher lol!) That has been so great as I tend to get caught up in the "what ifs" of life rather than living in the present. Thanks for another heartfelt video! ❤️

[bryanmerton]

Hi Tay, another great one. I love how you say “I’m on my head! That is the exact phrase that I use when I am in that space. I always have tons of things that I am thinking about all of the time. From the minute I wake up my thoughts are in full swing! I have been asking friends as well as my partner if they are constantly working on stuff and everyone says no. I can’t imagine what it must be like to have no thoughts. Sometimes its a bare because I feel like I am not in the world, but other times its a comfort to have my thoughts going. The social thing is a big deal for me but fortunately my partner has a little bit of social anxiety so he completely understands. Though he is not on my level! For instance we have a Birthday party to go to tonight so I of course have anxiety about it. So I have looked up the venue where we are going so I can understand the structure of the place. Where things are, where will I park etc. Not knowing things about gatherings is a big anxiety thing for me. You mentioned your facial expressions and I am not sure if I mentioned this before, but I was always told I looked sad. So now I always shoot a smile at anyone that I see. I doesn’t matter how I am feeling, I just shoot that smile😀. I am so enjoying your videos I appreciate your open honest approach! Thanks again for posting!

[CinkSVideo]

Ha ha. My wife, “Did you hear me?” Me: “Yes, give me a minute. I’m thinking.” We’re working on the pause so that I have time to process and she doesn’t feel like her question just hit a blank wall. She’s also helping by being much more specific when describing things and talking about schedules. Im very lucky and grateful for her. In many ways things were easier and less stressful when I was single, but things are much fuller and better with her. She’s a good human.

I can think I’m doing just fine and then a migraine will hit. My ability to manage will go in the toilet. We are still trying to find the right medication for me so that the headaches are reduced and I don’t feel crazy dizzy. I started having headaches (and nose bleeds) at around 5 or 6…you know…when I started school. Go figure.

[CathyThwing]

I'm a delayed processor with alexithymia, too, and I zone out in conversation with my partner, too. For the first thirty-five years of our relationship, this was really hard for both of us. But for the past five years, we've figured out what I can say to let him know that I'm just processing. One thing that really works for us is that he likes word play and I like echolalia, and we're both learning languages, so verbal play is a fun part of every day.

[jenniferhutson]

I can relate to most of what you said, but I immediately cried when you introduced the word alexithymia. This has been a huge struggle in communication break downs in my relationships with others and I never knew there was a word for it. Knowing that now means that its more than just me or just a few other people, its actually a thing and not just something wrong with me. Thank you for sharing your truths.

[jamideherrera]

I don’t know that I have ever been able to understand how I’m feeling daily but I do acknowledge it

[TRXST.ISSUES]

This was a wonderful video, I cheered for the “sponsor “ lol!! Even if it’s an Amazon link sponsor it still counts!! So much gold here for NDs

[robertwarbrick]

Tay, thank you for having the courage to make these videos! I was also diagnosed later in life (33) with level 1 ASD. Masking, imposter syndrome, and slower processing - especially emotionally - definitely has presented challenges in my own life. I think it is partly because people with "higher functioning" ASD have been conditioned to think in terms of their to not stand out. To produce a ASD-to-NT-tranliteration, emotionally or otherwise, takes time; and an ASD individual may miss out on making stimulus/stressor-emotional connections by logically solving conflict through this NT-strawman/mask. This is just my opinion, but hopefully someone finds it helpful.

[tiffanylin]

autistic here with an ADHDer partner. They can go at a lightening pace with problem solving while I go at a much slower speed. We are vibrating at a different time/frequency and it is hard, very hard. I am also hard to initiate on any projects/solutions. I can imagine all the possibilities in my head, visualize all the things I need to do, but sometimes I'll forget to tell my partner that I am still processing. From the outside, my partner thinks I haven't even approach it because of my anxiety. Ah it's so hard when you have mix neurotype. On the flip side, because we are both neurodivergent and queer, we can carve out a new path and redefine our relationship outside the confines of "heteronormative neurotypical" relationships.

[alishamisk]

For me that's the opposite. I can't go to bed angry. Literally. If I haven't work out my issues I have so much distress and anxiety that I can't find sleep. I need to fix the problem or at least get in a better place with my husband so I can find peace and fall asleep.

[chloebunde]

This is an interesting topic! My girlfriend is also autistic and that has its own perks and challenges. I do relate to some of the things you are saying here though! I think a big challenge we face is when one of us is overstimulated and the other under-stimulated. (Ex: I want total silence and calm while she is goofily/loudly oral stimming) The mismatch is quite funny in hindsight. Though it can be tricky and I’ve found that separating at those moments to meet each of our needs is most helpful. Then we return replenished! I will say we have gotten really good at helping each other with autistic struggles and I feel so supported by her in meltdown because I know she knows exactly how I feel ❤ I think time and diagnosis is so helpful for learning how to best navigate autistic-specific needs in relationships

[foodpuppie]

As I think about my own struggles with stifling my emotions, I’m super sad for how often “don’t let the sun go down on your anger” has been misinterpreted and hurt people who are genuinely suffering. 

The way I understand it, "anger" is both a messenger and a neurological response. First I need to pay attention to the message. (What values or losses are being threatened?) Once I've heard anger's message, I can choose to address the issue at a later time, maybe after time to rest, mentally consolidate, and think creatively. Then (if I’m not in immediate danger), not letting the sun go down on my anger means shifting my focus to resolving my body's stress response. 

That a jacked-up physiological state of anger inhibits both my rest and my ability to think creatively. It can also make me feel justified in all sorts of unhelpful behaviors. I have a fire alarm in my building that displays a digital message. Once I read the message, I shut the alarm bell off because who can think straight with all that racket? “Don’t let the sun go down on your anger” to me means to receive the message, then let the physiological alarm bell turn off. I don't think it ever meant to resolve all questions, make all decisions, or take all actions that day.

Graciously, the phrase isn’t, “snuff out your anger like a candle, ” but talks about sundown. Sundown takes 30-60 minutes. For me, it takes time and some deliberate practices to resolve my stress response, and I think it’s right to give my body the time it needs. “Don’t let the sun go down on your anger” is a kindness, especially to people like me on the spectrum who get overwhelmed and tend to ignore what my body is trying to say and what it needs.

[markshepardsongs]

so encouraging! particularly that your were at 600 subscribers! and look at your channel now! As a songwriter I have struggled for so long to find an audience for my music and discovering that I am "neuro divergent" has helped hugely in having compassion for myself and patience. Thank you!

[craigcarter]

This is a good guideline for my future relationships. It won’t save my past 10 year marriage relationship that ended back in March.