Can People Change?

We're often in a position of deeply hoping that someone on whom we depend might change: become (perhaps) less defensive or less angry, kinder or more thoughtful... A lot of our energy can be spent trying to prompt them to evolve. But can people in fact ever change? And how come we've ended up in a position of wanting them to change so badly?

FURTHER READING

“‘Can people change?’ The question may sound somewhat abstract and disinterested, as if one were asking for a friend or for the universe, but it is likely to be a good deal more personally – and painfully – motivated than that.

We ask, typically and acutely, when we’re in a relationship with someone who is inflicting a great deal of pain on us: someone who is refusing to open their hearts or can never stop lying, someone who is aggressive or detached, someone who is harming themselves or managing to devastate us. We ask too because the one immediately obvious response to frustration isn’t in this case open to us: we’re not able to simply get up and go, we are too emotionally or practically invested to give up, something roots us to the spot. And so, with the example of one troublesome human in mind, we start to wonder outwards about human nature in general, what it might be made of and how malleable it could turn out to be...”

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CREDITS

Produced in collaboration with:

Deanca Rensyta Mihardja

Title animation produced in collaboration with

Vale Productions

[theschooloflifetv]

Do you think people can or should change? Let us know in the comments below and be sure to turn on notifications to ensure you don't miss our next film.

[peppymia]

"Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you'll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others." Jacob M. Braude

[kawaiipieceofshit]

I was a pretty shitty person for a while, but didn't really realise how shitty, even when people would point it out I still thought I was right and they were wrong, until I met my current best friend. Somehow over time I learnt to be a better person, she never really pointed out the things that were wrong with me, she just wouldn't mirror it, as people usually do. I don't know if it makes sense, but when you're a prick to someone people are usually pricks back. But she wasn't. She was just kind and considerate but whenever she didn't want to do something she'd bluntly say so but she wouldn't mention that I'm being a prick. Eventually I realised the things that were wrong with me from seeing how my behaviour was so different from hers. And now I feel I'm a lot more considerate of other people's feelings. I've changed thankfully.

[SuzanaValenca]

"What broken part of us can't leave" is such a powerful question

[oqba]

"We see the world with our thoughts not with our eyes."

[Kenji-]

The worst pain is when you fall in love with a imagination of someone or are still in love with the memory of someone and then realising what the real person look like.

[ryuli]

this channel seems really good at telling people to end their relationships.

[harmenbreedeveld]

People can change, the question is: are they open for it?

My father is a cold, closed-off person. The type who will not hug, does not want to know what I thinks or go through, does not want to spend time with me and will never, ever say "I love you", even though he knows the words would mean everything to me.

Needless to say, my relationship with him was superficial, like a tree where the roots never went deep into the ground.

Then the storm came, of great problems in his and my life. And our relationship did not survive.

I tried to get him to open up, to let me in. But he was like a massive wall, without a door. I spent years trying to find a way in. Sometimes in good ways, sometimes in bad ways. I failed.

I know he comes from a cold family. I remember his mother. She was hard. She had something bitter, lonely over her in the last years of her life. But I was a child, so it is hard to say exactly what was going on.

I walked away from my father. It was the hardest decision of my life. And it took me much time to make and do this decision, it was a process.

It was the right decision.

Can people change? Yes. But only if they are open for it. That is my experience.

[shoulders-of-giants]

My circumstances can change,
I can change,
but I can't change others.

[rukaiya]

"maybe they break down late at night and admit they have a problem but by morning, vehemently deny anything could be amiss" thanks for calling me out here

[duchi]

*I personally have witnessed people change for the better*
including myself, its the things that we learn from and how we learn them is what changes us
Time is an important aspect of it as well, one cannot simply change within a day, it takes time for people to change.

[marinanoto]

"People don't change, they just reveal themselves" . I don't remember who said that, but I think it's true.

[juliettegivelas]

I would first like to make mention to the fact that I'm not sure the word "change" is appropriate, I personally feel "personal evolution" or "growth" is more fitting. Change is inevitable - we grow old and wither - but evolution can be stagnant.
I think we all have the ability to evolve personally, but we have to find inner strength and courage to do that. Many people live their whole lives not feeling they are strong enough to take on their demons and remain in the same place, whilst others are able to find their strength and evolve. This is where I feel therapy is the most important tool - it helps us find our strength. We tend to underestimate how strong and able we are in our darkest moments.
As always I loved this video, thank you for the constant insight.

[gybgrvo]

Because we want to believe in unconditional love.
Their inability to meet our needs, doesn’t make them a bad person or undeserving of love.
Sometimes we want to be that person who holds space for that broken soul.
Sometimes we find ourselves in that person who is willingly there for the broken.
I am glad to state this school of life.

[KarishmaKulkarni]

This helped me get out of a painful and toxic relationship pattern. I watched it several times in the last few months and finally walked out of a failing relationship this week. Grateful to have watched this in time. I realized, yes, people can change. I changed because I learned to protect myself and to put my needs first.

[alazarabebe]

Incredibly, extraordinarily, halfway-creepily relevant to my life this very moment

[sebastianelytron]

People used to call me ugly in middle school, but now I have changed
...




I'm not in middle school anymore.

[teodoranasz]

I love how this is called "can people change" suggesting that it'll explain how to help (make?) others get rid of their issues but then it shifts the perspective and encourages empathy. the world needs more of this

[ossen]

Personality is not static and we evolve, change all the time.
That being said, some transformations may take time or something drastic has to happen in order to change a belief system.

[TheScarletBoi]

I can say from personal experience, wanting to change is something that is hard. I ended up regretting many things and I still want to change but usually people would only look at my negative points and judge me on it. It's important to have people be supportive or at least understand the change that someone wants, but when people continue to use it in a negative way, it makes things much harder