3 Reasons Rejection Hurts So Much for Anxious Preoccupied (& Fearful Avoidants)

In this video, I’m going to talk about 3 Reasons Rejection Hurts So Much for Anxious Preoccupied

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Thank you for watching!

[susieblue]

Thank you Thais! I've been a member of the PDS for a few months now and still keep finding more and more incredibly helpful resources in there 😄

[maclegend]

I have been let down and abandoned by literally every core family member one needs in order to feel loved and special. I ended up with my biological grandmother's ex husband, a man that has no emotional capacity outside of his own experience, and sadly the only person I've got. So I often seek validation from the opposite sex. And I take huge efforts to make sure I am as attractive as possible (gym 5x a week, hair medication, etc). I feel good when I'm desired. It only has to be one person currently chasing me, in order for me to feel invincible and zero anxiety.

But when that attention is taken away, even if it's only for a day, my self worth and will to live plummets to zero, anxiety goes to 100, and I'm overwhelmed with the feeling of being unable to cope. I also become obsessed with the person that rejected me - ESPECIALLY if they originally showed me lots of attention. The need to get their approval back is like a tsunami of stress and anxiety. My entire self worth is tied to people's opinion of me, and I fucking hate it. I wish I could be normal.

[BiancaTatum]

Love this!! I can definitely say I’ve been doing a much better job of meeting my own needs over the past year. Rejection or even a hint at someone pulling away doesn’t send me in a panic anymore.

[harrycrowe]

I don't care how secure you are in your attachment style, the way in which an avoidant person goes about breaking up with someone will leave anyone shocked, confused and disoriented. It's so sudden and harsh, you can't believe the person you loved and who you thought loved you would do these kinds of things to you. The ghosting, then the breadcrumbing, the empty promises that never materialize...All with no real logical explanation. Its extremely selfish behavior. Nobody deserves to be treated this way no matter what your attachment style. Childhood trauma is no excuse for treating others badly. We are all responsible for our actions.

[tallspicy]

Yes! I am earned secure now except for the end of relationship rejection: the stories and behaviors are literally self abuse for me... unlovable, totally to blame, not enough, terrible girlfriend etc. And the behavior of looking at stuff on social media. For a very long time.

And in my work and friendships: oh well, onto the next, small twinge.

[Nowhere]

3:55 yeah you are right, it hurts so much because i myself don’t believe that i deserve love or whatever... so when they leave it becomes like a proof of that thought.

[sandrae]

I think this applies also to FA. Thank you Thais 🍀

[amandabulmer]

The gas station analogy was brilliant!

[farrahbynum]

I’m an anxious preoccupied attachment and I have been working hard to slowly grow over the past year. Let me say, this video so eloquently captured and clarified what I have been trying to do for myself. Thank you for shining your light and knowledge so I can take another step forward!

[sarahdraper]

Thank you, Thais. I was (still somewhat am) Anxious-Preoccupied, but I'm leaning Secure. As an introvert, I can meet my own needs (most of the time), but I can take rejection hard, nonetheless. (No one enjoys it, regardless, if they're honest with themselves). I have stories I tell myself, such as, " I'm not good enough", and those wounds feel quite deeply ingrained in me. Nevertheless, I'm working on it and have gotten a lot better at self-soothing within the past several months. There are times I struggle (don't we all?), but I've definitely felt improvement.

[deuxquatresixhuit]

Happy Monday, my fellow attachment warriors! Every day we get more knowledgeable, and we show up and werk :) If you need it, this is your sign to keep going and stay motivated!! Love you all ❤️

[nikiangelina]

that gas station analogy really resonated with me, thank you for this video!

[roshalllambert]

Wooah! The purple monster turned into the blue monster 😂😂

[cereal_qilla]

Wow. This video is amazing. I used to be absolutely terrified of rejection and did acrobatics to avoid it, both in relationships, but especially in friendships which was more painful bc i was never relaxed around “best friends” although I had to act like I was. That used to be me at 6:20, that gas station metaphor was perfect. “A person who’s been taught it’s ok to meet their own needs and it’s good to meet their own needs— “oh my tanks half full and I’m just gonna top off the rest and if there’s no gas it’s no big deal I’ll go to another one” that’s ur relationship to ur needs... if one person can’t meet them or they pull away it doesn’t matter that much, and it’s not so serious and heavy.

But when there’s the absence of that, that already empty need or gas tank... it’s catastrophic and feels deadly if this need can’t be met. You panic if there’s no gas—no connection, regardless of all ur acrobatics and fawning and pandering. It’s not the person, it’s that the promise of that need is withdrawn, and you panic because you can’t get that need met. Well you can meet your own needs. You don’t have to abandon yourself, you can meet those needs.” You do it by re-connecting to yourself, not abandoning yourself...

You do it by reminding yourself that you were put on this earth to put your energy and focus into meeting your needs, into putting yourself first, into doing what favors you most, not other people. Thank you for this video thank you so much Thais it hit deep. 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🦋🦋

[Linda-tdsi]

So me, as an Anxious heading to secure! Thanks for this, Thais! So many great reminders here for taking care of myself!🙂💚🌿🌟💐

[hollyg]

Your videos are so insightful and helpful :) im securely attached but have anxious tendencies when people start showing inconsistency in their behavior. Over the past year your videos have helped me recognize, and in turn, not personalize other people's behavior. And also, recognize my own internal narrative causing anxiety at times. and in turn, discard/change that narrative for the better. Following your insight and advice, doing the self awareness work has made my life better. for that, I thank you so much :)

[feliksdivellimusic]

8:41 Thank you for explaining this!! Is this why it can be so difficult to let go of a first love?

[RRthee]

Thank you! 21% FA, 26% DA, AP & SE.

[debramcmartin]

Thank you for all of the great work you do, Thais. I am trying to heal myself from a AA to a Ssecure Attachment. I have been mindful of how I behave when I.am getting to know a potential new love. I am reminded of how I behaved during and after my last relationship. I don't want to go Back There again.. I can't do the course because I am unemployed and I live in Australia.

[adinubila]

what if the gas station is always closed (your partner) and you are frustrated and keep going back and they don't want to fill your tank? it feels like then why am I with you if I have to keep going to other gas stations?