Do You Have Comphet? What Is Compulsory Heterosexuality and How Do You Know if You Have it?

Comphet is everywhere, because we live in a society. If you're questioning your sexuality or your gender and you're not sure if you're really straight, you might have a bad case of the comphet. Here's a rundown of compulsory heterosexuality and how it affects LGBTQIA+ people (and women in general).

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[silva]

Holy Mackerel!!! I recently became aware that I'm not the only Ace in the whole world. I'm 68, and you just described so much about me and my life! And although I've never heard of it before, I TOTALLY have comphet. My mind is blown! If you don't already have your Doctorate, you sure should have.

[GregHarness]

Another superbly informative video. Thank you. I'm am a man in my late 50s, and I understand what you are saying. I am still in a deep process of unlearning. In the 80s when I was a teenager we know about straight and gay and the default was straight. And if you weren't sure if you might be gay, you were straight. We knew nothing about bisexuality, pansexuality, and especially knew nothing about asexuality (and the idea of being aromantic was absolutely foreign). There was no good way to explore options. I was unfamiliar until today with the term compulsory heterosexuality, but I understand the concept because it was drilled into me directly but mostly indirectly for decades. Again, thank you very much for this video. P.S. "Orlando" is way at the top of my list of favorite books of all time.

[LilyLithium]

The thought of being pregnant always grossed me out too, for me specifically of course. I also started off thinking that being queer is okay for other women, but not for me; I'd actively deny it even when there were signs that I could be. Didn't come to terms with it until I was 19 😅

[An_Ka_Li]

Such a great and informative video. I'm in a proecess with my sexuality right now, finally coming to terms with my Ace-ness, and I really needed to hear some of these things. Thank you!

[sleidkssk]

It's my first time hearing the word 'comphet' but the conversation on it seemed to be exactly what my mind was hungry for - your videos make me realise how many things I've been wanting to hear for so long and I can't count the number of times I was like "EXACTLY!!" or "YES FINALLY SOMEBODY GETS IT" which is comforting and affirmative that I'm not the only one who thinks this way.

Just a suggestion - I would love to see a deep dive into what is considered "romantic attraction" 'cause it seems a lot more vague and subjective as compared to what is supposed to be sexual attraction
And thank you for the lovely video as always! 💜

[jessmelodi]

Amazing! I needed this. I was familiar with comphet and have been through a whirlwind trying to unpick it over the last year. This video was so informative and really ties so many thread together. Thank you, well done ❤ #queerjoy

[dunia]

I had no idea how much this subject really goes deep inside oneself until yesterday talking to my therapist and now listening to this! I'm currently not looking AT ALL to date men, only women, but end up easely obsessing over some men in my life that I sense are better than average lol but it makes me unhappy ¿? so it's hard to truly understand but it makes sense with comphet

[StefaniaCzech]

I feel so seen, I was litterally trying to figure this out inside myself after my past break up and WHY I cant feel like I can go after the love and people I really want

[ShinyNautilus-ms]

Wow. I’m going through the “2nd adolescence” at 33. Thank you for this very thorough and articulate explanation of comphet. It is a weird feeling to come out of the closet more than once. I’ve known I liked girls since I was in jr. high but wrote it off as a phase. Then, I came out as bi to a family member in high school but was in a serious monogamous relationship with a guy throughout high school. Then, in college I told my parents I was queer even though they weren’t particularly comfortable with it. Then, I slept with many men and tried to have a monogamous relationship in the burbs with the sweetest man but I just couldn’t do it.
I tried to date women in college but I was always so nervous I didn’t do the dates so well.

Anyway, this video is really helping me figure myself out and I appreciate you taking the time and putting in all the effort to make it. ❤ Thank you

[xixi]

Good thoughtful video. Also have got to say I like your granate apple tattoo. The thing about how society promotes having children, is mostly because society depends on people having children. Social welfare is also structured around it. Without a strong base of working aged employed people paying taxes, there will not be enough to take care of our elders and retirees. This effect might be less noticeable once we get older (because there are a lot less people in our generation compared to like the current cohort of retirees). So, unlike the current cohort, our generation will put a lot less strain on the welfare system. But that is a big economic reason why society wants us to have kids: to produce tax payers and workers.

A personal reason that I see why progressive people better have kids: is preserving our way of life. In families (when things go right) children learn the worldview of their parents by osmosis. When children are raised in an environment where they feel seen and heard, and safe, they are more likely to continue living in the way their parents lived. So children raised with progressive ideas will highly likely grow up to become progressive adults. When we raise children to be tolerant, open minded, pro human rights, pro LGBT, environmentally conscious, this is how they will be as adults. And thus we contribute to improvement of the future society.

Compared to us, (mostly atheists), conservative people have a lot more kids. The average religious conservative family has a lot more children than the average progressive family. If we don't have kids, then we contribute to a possibly bleak future where there are more religious conservative people with outdated worldviews than progressive people. While it is true that not all children will follow and live like their parents, many of them will. And when a conservative religious family has like 5 children, this really frightens me. Because what kind of future will my children face? That is one big reason why some LGBT people choose to have children. To continue our way of life. To secure a future for our worldview. To protect the environment by raising people who are environmentally conscious. Just saying. Not everyone has to have kids. But some of us feel duty bound to bring life into the world and to care for the future survival of humans. And we believe that our worldview is good for the world. So that's why we want to preserve it.

[NoiseDay]

If I had been aware of my attraction to girls earlier in life, I might have had a very different relationship to my body growing up.
I currently identify as attracted to men primarily but lithromantic (loses interest when love is reciprocated). I'm definitely a hopeless romantic and boy obsessed from a young age, but my girl-loving side has been shoved in the closet for way longer than it should have considering I'm queer af. Things for me to think about.

[Blubberblase]

As someone who was raised as a woman, but has since left that ship, I find it quite frustrating till this day how often adult men behave emotionally like toddlers and are totally unaware of it. That subconscious rejection of responsibility for their own life, emotions and choices just hurts me to be around. Sure, they´re victims of society too by being raised that way. But that is merely a reason, not an excuse to refuse to outgrow those patterns. Instead the really fragile ones feel permanently attacked by feminism and cry about every step we as society make to empower people equally, regardless of sex, gender, age, ethnicity and so on.
Even tho I´m nether a women nor straight, I can still see the impact of comphet in myself after a couple of years working on it. It takes a lot of time looking inward and questioning. I wish I would have been able to access content like yours 8 years ago. Thank you for putting the work in and giving younger folks the chance to find these informations. It does help a great deal to work with concepts and have the language for them, then having to invent the wheel new to make any sense of yourself and the world.

[OliviaWood]

I really appreciate you emphasising the impact of popular culture, the media and other aspects of society. One of my mothers is trans and a lesbian who transitioned and came out when I was only 4; I was surrounded by other queer people her age all my life from her side and accepting people (or people who had to learn to be accepting) from the side of my other mother, and despite that I am still struggling to understand my sexuality at 29.

Society and the media showed me what was “normal” and “acceptable”. Experience taught me what happened if you weren’t like that, or rather if people noticed you weren’t like that. Rather than learn what my mother hoped to teach me – the importance and joy of living as your authentic self – I learned the danger and fear of being different. And so, I never asked myself who I was, how I felt, or what or who I wanted. Instead, I tried to be whatever was expected of me so that I would be safe and not ostracised. It took a neurodivergent burnout and the realisation that I was masking in so many aspects of life to even realise that that’s what I had been doing. I don’t know how much of this is linked to just being queer in a heteronormative world, to society-induced trauma or to neurodivergent masking, but, god, it sucks.

I’d really appreciate a video on how to move past the desire for male validation. Most of the videos I could find were aimed at a straight audience

[stevie_M]

Hi Meghan your Ace stuff is so damn good, thanks❤

[jacobclayton]

Thank you for your video. Often as a male human I sit in observance in many social media circles as well as in society in general of the "provide and protect" model, Which basically straight jackets a masculine being into a role of resources and defense. Its my hope as a society we learn to embrace socially other types of love and see that love can be created in many many forms.

[sssugarquartzzz]

Even though I was born male, I felt this when dating women growing up and the question of marriage came about. I felt I was only with women cause it’s just what you do, rather than cause I wanted to be. I consider myself Ace now, and it tools years to accept my transness as well but I think it goes hand-in-hand somewhat.

[evelynwilliams]

Geez... I didn't know how much I needed this video - especially as I went into it thinking, "yeah, I know all about Comphet" Thank you so much!

[serenediipity]

thank you so much for relating comphet to asexuality. i had it really rough a couple years ago existing in a highly sexual environment as an asexual and i unfortunately developed trauma from forcing myself to exist in said environment out of fear of falling behind in life and losing friends. if i had a time machine the first thing i would do would be to get myself out of there to prevent myself from coping through hypersexuality

[JadeAshly]

Agreed 10000% about not wanting kids and child birth / the unfairness of it all

[Tandreada]

I have never related to hard to something a video essayist was talking about. This is highly disconcerting, but enlightening. I wasn't really looking to be so personally enlightened right now, but c'est la vie.

Anyway, I hope your videos start getting more popular. This is very helpful, and it probably wouldn't be so disconcerting if the viewer didn't already subscribe to comphet despite being asexual for a significant part of their adult life. So, if more people see this, more people will consider this sooner. Thank you for making this.