Ask a Therapist: 4 Lies that Compulsory Heterosexuality Tells Us

Sometimes I wonder how different my life would have been if it hadn't been ASSUMED I was straight. Even today, people I meet think I am heterosexual. I'm past being offended by it, but it always makes me wonder about what assumptions people are making in regard to me, when they assume I am straight.

As a Therapist who usually works with those in the LGBTQIA+ community, I see the impacts of Compulsory Heterosexuality VERY regularly. Thus, this week's episode...what lies have we been told by Comphet, and what happens when we stop believing them?

4 Lies, as I see them, are:
1. That marriage and kids are expected
2. That you can't be friends with a person to whom you might be attracted
3. That sexual attraction is a given
4. That there has to be a masculine and feminine presence

#askatherapist #comphet #comulsoryheterosexuality

[Jonatrus]

Oh so that's why I struggle to differentiate between friendships and crushes! 😂

[pinkpinapple]

This has opened my eyes to my own issues with compulsory heterosexuality, I have recently have identified as a bi flexible, but i have realized that a lot of my internalized homophobia is tied to that fact that I want to have a family and it’s easier and expected to have a family with someone who is male or has a penis, and these feeling of not wanting to have a serious relationship with a woman cuz if it ends up in marriage starting a family is more different than what has been presented to me through compulsory heteronormativity. Thank you for that. 🙏

[sds]

As a gay woman and a therapist myself, I always felt that we have too many labels in our community, especially in the lesbian community. Femme, lipstick, butch, top, pillow princess, tomboy, etc. There are so many others, it makes me dizzy! I feel that the more we label ourselves, the more insecure we feel so we need the labels so we can feel that we belong somewhere. Does that make any sense? I hope my observation translates on here lol. Thank you!

[wildlifedrawings]

I love how inclusive you are with the ace community in your videos. Thank you.

[probsnooneyouknowtbh]

I remember as a kid/teen I used to think that getting in a relationship and getting married was some kind of requirement for being an adult, and that I was just going to *have* to do it at some point because *everybody* does, right? So I really dreaded "having" to do it. It's kind of amusing to me to look back on my past ideas because oh my gosh noooo, there's no final exam to become an adult where you have to be in a relationship to pass it 😄 You can literally live your life however you want, that's kinda the point. Some people will think it's weird, but that's their problem.

[spencer]

I've been journaling about the friendship/attraction issue for days. Trying to process it in my head because I think it made things very difficult in all of my female friendships. Thank you for speaking to this and affirming it.

[Etherealvioletco]

Diving deeper into these topics helps me learn more about myself and how this has been such an issue for me. Thank you!💜

[flushthecatnip]

'Familiarity breeds acceptance.'

Ok, ouch.
But I needed to hear that.

[maryjohanna]

I’m gonna have to listen to this like another 1, 000x to try and absorb everything. Thank you for sharing this info!!!

[barnaliadhikary]

Thank you for this video ...love you so much ...👐🏻

[soeilibri]

This was so interesting, thank you🥺🥺🥺

[thluyfn]

overall great video! but for the friendship part i dont think that is "a heterosexual thing" that is being applied on gay relationships with which it doesn't "fit" in that situation, i think that concept of "you can't be friends with those you're attracted to" or "you can't be friends with a specific gender" is just a false concept altogether and i think it doesn't have to do and shouldn't be applied with heterosexual relationships either. and it's even more complicated with nonbinary people and bi/pan people.
i don't even think it makes sense to be applied with cishet people and it bothers me when they apply it to each other too lol

[nikkipatterson]

I'm pretty sure I've been affected by compulsory heterosexuality. How can I be sure if I'm bisexual, asexual or a lesbian? I mean is it just that I don't want sex or I don't want sex from men? I'm married, so I don't want to cheat on my husband.

[capitanace]

Thank you so much for your videos, Kelly! I don’t comment a lot but I wanted to at least say once that your videos have helped alleviate a lot of pain and confusion for me. I appreciate every upload and how clear you are when discussing these topics especially. 💜🥹 thank you so so much. 🙏

[LadyGodiva]

Another well thought out video. On the opposite end..I am "femme" and attracted to "butches" and a lot of more masculine types sometimes feel shame in identifying as Butch because of the pressure second wave feminism has put on the community that they are "aping patriarchal norms and should all be androgynous" It's sad to me to, I wish we could be who we are and like what we like without the judgement.