Ask a Therapist: What is Compulsory Heterosexuality?

I wished I knew I didn't have to be straight. Growing up, I assumed that I and everyone else around me was straight. Blame it on religious environments, or being sheltered, or maybe even compulsory heterosexuality. Compulsory Heterosexuality (Comphet) is a word everyone needs to know. Our society is structured in a way that expects heterosexuality to be the norm...but what if it isn't? What if we have just made it seem that way by expecting it, and addressing everything else as deviant behavior? Is this where our idea of "that lifestyle" came from? If we are to assume that everyone is heterosexual unless they tell us otherwise, is that why so many people still see being part of the LGBTQIA+ community as a choice one makes?
#comphet #compulsoryheterosexuality #lgbt #lgbtqia+ #therapist

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Kelly is a LMHC (Licensed Mental Health Counselor) in the USA making YouTube videos to inform, entertain, and empower viewers. Watching these videos does not constitute a therapeutic relationship or therapy. Should you wish to find a therapist, or more information, check out the links below!

Helpful Links:
💙 Instagram: @AnchoredCounselingFL
💜 Instagram: @KellyRMinter

[Grywtch]

Given the vast portion of the population that feel that compulsory heterosexuality should continue and refuse to reconsider, I don't remain optimistic for that to change much. It breaks my heart to try to envision how much easier my life would have been if we weren't all held to the impossible standard of conforming to who we "should" be. I think this goes much farther than sexual/romantic preference, and stems from religious views more than other influences. Most often I have witnessed/been victimized by bullying and lack of acceptance from those who utilize religious reasoning for why they believe homosexuality is wrong.

[surepromise]

As a 33 year old who escaped from an evangelical Christian upbringing a number of years ago but only just this year realized that I am a lesbian, I am SO grateful that I've now learned about the comphet, and I found this video comforting. Thank you for making it. You explain things very well and with so much compassion. 💜

[ingvildp]

Thank you for including those of us who are on the asexual spectrum or otherwise not sexual beings in your videos! It's nice to be acknowledged 🥰 Btw your videos are great!

[KamusNguyen]

This is incredible! As someone who has been assumed to be straight by so many people, it can be anxious to me to communicate with other people sometimes

[bronminett]

I watched the internalised homophobia one first and let me just say you are an incredible woman. My daughter came out to me at 14 and I remember even then I was struggling with the fact I supported her sexuality completely but couldn’t do it for myself. Now I finally understand I’m not weak. I just didn’t want to be lying and my head was telling me I’m a mum and it’s not ok. Maybe you just haven’t found the right man. They weren’t even my thoughts. Just what I’d always been taught. Thank you so much for cutting through my confusion and self loathing to show me that we are all aloud to be ourselves. Even me 💞

[evaistheway]

You never fail to surprise me with the quality of your content. You’re helping others in ways more than you can imagine. Thank you Kelly!

[elissa]

Oh my gosh- the flirting comment - kills me. I hate it with a passion. My son is 22 mo. and some of the daycare workers have made comments about him like that. Oh, he's waving to the little girls, or he is always trying to hug the teachers (all female) - calling him a flirt etc. I have wanted on some many occassions to scream and say stop that. Just like I hate the baby shirts that say- Heart Breaker or something of that sort. I never thought of it actually as compaulsory heteroseuality, which makes sense as soon as you say it- but just gross. He's not even 2, he is just being friendly and sweet and extroverted.

[Reed]

When you mentioned offensive representation, the first thing I thought of was Seinfeld. People constantly praise that show for how ahead of its time it was for even talking about gayness and saying “there’s nothing wrong with that”. But them you have the relationship between Susan and her girlfriend, and it’s played as a joke. They both find men who “turn them straight” and Susan even gets engaged to a guy, perpetuating the whole “it’s just a phase” nonsense. Then there’s Elaine’s comment “I hate men, but I’m not a lesbian.” Which perpetuates yet another stereotype. It’s bad representation, and we’re expected to accept it.

[cassv]

How does this have 1.3k views yet only 400 you damn near made me cry.
Thank you for this video, off to go check out the others you suggested. xx

[stuff]

I love your slightly raspy voice.
You have such a great vibe as well. 🥰

[sylmanyeki]

Thank you for this video!! I was seeing a therapist and she’s part of the LGBTQ community but I felt like she was pushing me way too fast and I felt pressured/rushed to go through my process! I’ve subscribed! Thank u again for the info u have shared here❤️❤️

[souki]

Missed your videos! Glad you're back!!!

[kaseyford]

Thanks for this. I believe I faced Comphet when I had a boyfriend 13 years ago. I actually felt like I was doing what everyone else was at that age and thought I achieved 'the right thing' in life 😂
I literally found out this year(2023) that I'm Aroace as I've never fallen for anyone else ever since and I'm happy with myself as I am ❤

[ylana]

I cried at 7:35. This video really moved me. How would my life have turned out if comp het wasn’t a “thing”? I would have married a woman living authentically instead of trapped in an unhealthy marriage to a man for 35 years! At the same time I know that I cannot think woulda shoulda coulda and know that I just need to embrace who I am now and move forward and not regret the past for I suppose it served a purpose. It was my journey. We really don’t know how anything “could” have turned out. It’s all conjecture anyways. That’s not to say we should accept comphet. Comphet really does need to stop and the fact that we haven’t made really big strides makes me so sad. All I know is…I can personally do something about this as my “small” self. I teach my grandkids (two girls) that whomever they choose to love is completely ok. That girls don’t have to love boys, they can love girls too. Again, this was a very moving video, thank you!

[fernandamena]

Thank you for making this video ❤️ I’ve been loving your content so much. I truly appreciate you talking about this. Makes me feel valid and heard!!

[chetanpatil]

I started to sob after 6:43. It really does feel beautiful.

[mollynicole]

I probably grew up thinking I was straight because that is what I saw around me and so I assumed that's the way I'd go. My parents are Christians and never mentioned the word gay when I was a kid. It wasn't talked about. I'm 40 years old. As I became an adult I realized I'm just not attracted to men like how straight women are.

[briannagravely]

as a lesbian trans woman, i was constantly asked "is her boyfriend okay with that" when i was closeted and wanted to be friends with a girl. The constant sexualization of my friendships with women made it hard to be just friends with women once I came out because my religious trauma means I'm constantly on the lookout for "bad" sexual thoughts. And due to gender roles while closeted, I had major touch starvation issues because being seen as a man meant being seen as not needing comfort and affection.