Are You Straight Or Is It Compulsory Heterosexuality? ft. Tyra Blizzard

The Gender/Sexuality Journal

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Are we seeking male validation or is it all just comp-het? Unpack compulsory heterosexuality with Tyra Blizzard, the dynamic author and pro basketball player. We’ll explore queering relationships, smashing societal expectations, and Tyra’s own journey beyond the binary. Tune in and start deprogramming your comphet through an insightful talk into the heart of queer love and identity.

00:00 Who is Tyra?
01:40 What is comphet?
02:01 Signs you're experiencing comphet
06:43 How comphet limits us
09:09: Are ultra-masc lesbians toxic?
11:36 Are we attracted to men or their validation?
14:33 Toxic socialization of men
19:04 What is a man/woman?
22:15 The fluidity of labels
31:03 Comphet and Race
37:13 How comphet shows up in queer relationships
51:32 How men are affected the most
55:17 Queering your own relationship

Show Less

[nikab]

I loved what Tyra said about how being with a man made her feel more valid in her femininity and how that played into her comphet. As a trans woman, it really resonated with my experience.

[milkyowo]

I identify on the non-binary spectrum (Demi girl) and a lesbian. I only came to the lesbian label recently; previously I identified as bi. But I really had to look deep down into myself to realize how comphet affected my mindset and views of relationships. I never really had true sexual attraction to men. I’d get into so many relationships with men but would never want pleasure them.
When I realized that I liked women, It felt so easy. I just hadn’t explored the idea of liking women as a real concept for a long time.
But the idea of letting go of men was scary. Because I dated so many men, how would I be a lesbian? I also had a lot of internalized homophobia because my mom was homophobic and would derogatorily call me a lesbian (she had suspicions).But after really analyzing my relationships and perception of men… I didn’t really care for men. The only men I could feel some attraction to were unobtainable, (fictional/people that are celebrities n such), and feminine/serve cunt.
The only “man” that I ever felt genuine about is my current relationship…then she came out as trans and it really clicked with me. The whole time in our relationship I felt/viewed my partner as a girl before she came out as a trans woman.
Funnily enough, when Chappell Roan’s, Goodluck, babe, released- I really identified with the song. I wouldn’t want to end up in a long term relationship with a man. I had thought for while maybe I was a lesbian but after crying to Goodluck, babe and my gf coming out, it just felt right to be a lesbian.

[fooly]

This is my first time listening but I feel seen with what you guys are saying!The community feels so separated and even in a racial perspective (I’m black) I feel sort of disconnected from it all.

When it comes to attraction, I almost feel scrutinized for liking or not liking certain people, especially with how people talk online! It’s just super confusing and awkward because you always feel judged.

[vevegsilva]

I've questioned my sexuality for a while, and I just startled when Emily asked if we were attracted to men or their validation. Throughout my life, I struggle to fit. I never feel accepted by my parents or my colleagues or my coworkers. I always thought that for my happiness to be complete, I have to be in a relationship with a man. In my fantasies, people would respect me. Recently, I got into a job, and I have a brief relationship with one of my coworkers (one that really destroyed me), and during our relationship, I often thought that that relationship made everyone else respected me more. I feel like I was finally fitting in, like people finally had accepted me as a part of that group.

[MsBlackIntrovert]

I’m new to the conversation around comp het but as a bi cisgender woman I find myself dating men more even though I’m considerably more attracted to women because I view dating men as “easier” .

[amirahrutues]

I recently came out as non-binary and demisexual. I started to question my sexuality when my friend pointed out that I describe having a relationship with men as if it was a job and was surprised that I was supposed to like him. honestly comphet has really slowed down my growth in romantic relationships and I am still learning my sexuality (bisexual).

[elspethfougere]

Its so interesting for me to watch this as a non-american. Its fascinating how different parts of this is from some other countries and cultures world view of queerness.

I always thought queerness was deeper and beyond culture and kind of universal, underneath country..

But the older I get the more I realise what different histories we have, and how different communities really do impact so massively on our self expression, and how we awaken to our universal self

I still feel worldwide solidarity, and I can still feel those core human lgbtq+ness that must be universally common across the whole human family,

but it's so fascinating to see how hard it is to disentangle it from culture and place, and concepts from those

and it makes me wonder how worldwide conversations will evolve around rights, and continuing to langauge our experiences

Its so so valuable to put these deep feelings and experiences into language

Thank you so much for opening the space for these heartfelt conversations, and brave attempts to share authentically of these very deep and nuanced ways of being ❤

It's really precious, thank you

Day to day I guess we will all continue to evolve, and thats cool 😊

[Bsmdbsmd]

Interesting conversation, I very much enjoy your content ! One remark tho : I think I have an issue with putting "the blame" of reinforcing patriarcal stereotypes on "the more masculine lesbians", when often its"the more feminine" lesbians who have those expectations (never paying for dates, getting gifts, having the door open for them etc.) Because it can actually be a vicious circle : unrealistic expectations + playing a role. Not to mention the fact that we all have our own heteronormative assumptions to unpack.

[spudmadethis]

I used pan for years purely cos my attraction isn’t to do with gender/sex/outward expression and it was the only way I felt I could simply explain that, but now I use Queer cos that now feels more like how I move thru the world. that journey Is how I came to accept my trans and nonbinary feels. Opening that box of frogs was a 15 year journey that’s still being unpacked. Hearing people talk about their experiences really helps me contextualise and confirm my feels, adore watching these 🫶🏻

[Mrdan]

An aromantic (period) and asexual (period) episode next? Maybe?

[TheRainbow-uswx]

Such a good conversation! Love the range of talking points covered. Comp Het meant it took a long time for me to come out to myself while being so very obvious I was not straight.

[ghostbooger]

I ATE THIS UP. What an important conversation! Thank you for having it!

[roxyndra]

I'm so glad this came up in my feed. Loving all of your different inputs. Subscribed~! <3

[Baracapybara]

Do you think comp het influences men in the same ways? I’ve dated many Latino men who have gone to have full on relationships and kids with women and later came out as gay. I’m not sure if that’s the same discussion

[QueenBee-xdxk]

This episode should have been titled exploring LGBTQ+ identities. I should not have been titled anything about compulsory heterosexual because you barely discussed it

[Reed]

Personally, I present super masculine for a few reasons. The first being gender dysphoria (I’m non-binary trans-masc), and the other being that it’s just the way I prefer to present. That being said, I hate the idea of adhering to strict gender roles in a relationship. In I prefer to have a more androgynous partner than to date a femme, and I like to have equal roles in how we do household chores.
I think a lot of older butch/masc lesbians were born in a time where gender roles were strictly pushed on women, and they adopted the heteronormative gender roles as a way to protect themselves. To avoid being harassed, and to have their relationships taken more seriously by their heterosexual peers. In the newer generations (Millennials and Gen Z), we are a lot less likely to adhere to strict gender norms because we’re a lot more accepted regardless of how we dress or present. In fact, I’ve had a lot of people in my life act critical about my gender presentation, saying things like “you don’t need to dress like that to be gay. We get it.” Its great that we’re more accepted (for the most part), but I think we’ve overcorrected to the point of people being critical towards butch people.
Obviously, butch people (women and non-binary) can engage in toxic masculinity, but I’m more-so referring to butch people who just prefer to dress extremely masculine, but are criticized for it. It’s as though people see a butch and automatically assume they are ashamed of their body and have toxic masculine traits. That we don’t dress in a feminine way because we “are ashamed to be feminine.” It’s a way to bring down other women and afab people, but using feminist language to do it.

[ailynnmckae]

I love the topics you discuss on here ❤ Wish I had this when I was younger. Hopefully it does reach the people who need it!

[kasiamorris]

We need a conversation about genuine bisexuality. I am 75 years old, so my experiences are probably very different to the experiences of younger women now. I had always felt completely comfortable with being female , though intensely disliked certain aspects of the female role. I became a hippy in late sixties and felt very comfortable within this subculture - no need to shave my legs, or wear makeup, free to explore my creativity. I did felt very attracted to men and felt deeply in love - but the men I was attracted were the gentle hippie types, long hair, rather androgynous, slender, artistic type. Never wanted to get married or have kids, I was a wild nature child who didn't want any limits on my freedom. I got involved in Women Liberation and met a lot of lesbians, but I didn't feel connected to the lesbian movement of the time. Then I went to university and became very close friends with another female student. L and me became inseparable - and I mean completely inseparable - if we had two hours apart due to lectures we would be counting minutes until we can be together again. Both of us had boyfriends, and neither of our boyfriends were at the university so we just saw them at weekends and during holidays. There was a small room given by the student union to three alternative groups - the vegetarian society, the Gay society and the legalise weed society -;I remember being there under the legalise weed banner and a friend from the Gay Society that L and me should come to the the Gay Society meeting - and I was really puzzled why? I couldn't see myself in lesbian writing - I definitely felt attractive to men, enjoyed sex with my boyfriend immensely, and whilst I detested patriarchy I didn't feel oppressed by my boyfriend, who was very much in touch with his feminine side - touchy feely sort of a person, we even shared a flipping wardrobe, long wrap around skirts and tie dye tops, wild hair and ethnic beads. It all came to head during the summer holiday. I went to London to stay with my boyfriend, joyful reunion at the start, days in bed, but after about a week I was missing L like hell. There was a free festival coming up and my boyfriend was going to play at it ( he was a musician). L came down to London to go to the festival with us, we got very stoned together and fell into bed together. Wow! It was so good but also very confusing - how can you be not just attracted but in love with not just two people at the same time, but with two people of two different sexes? So who the heck I am? Some sort of an oddity? It took me a long time to unpack all that

[toutmoncoeur]

I think we can make a distinction between life partner & reproduction. In nature monogamous pairings occur for the raising of offspring. But this cultural shift to pair every single female to a male for life is "unnatural".

[blueauld]

thank you for posting that discussion, i feel less alone in that struggle !
i have just 1 "complaint", the camera view change to much and give me nausea but everything else is fantastic !