The Terror of Being Alone

We are unnecessarily scared of being on our own because we fail to keep in mind the distinction between solitude (a fine condition) and loneliness (a pain). We need to recover a sense of the good sides of being by ourselves - in order to be able to make the right choices around friendship and love.

FURTHER READING

“In the privacy of our minds, one thought – highly shameful by nature – may haunt us as we evaluate whether to stay in or leave an unsatisfactory relationship: what if we were to end things and end up in a place of appalling loneliness?

We’re meant to be above such pragmatic worries. Only cowards and reprobates would mind a few weekends (or decades) by themselves. We’ve heard of those books that sing the praises of solitude (the divorcee who relocated to a solitary hut on a bare Scottish island; the one who went sailing around the world in a dinghy). But we can admit that we’re not naturals at this sort of thing: there have been empty days when we almost lost our minds. There was one trip that we took on our own years back that was, behind the scenes, a psychological catastrophe. We’re not really in a position to wave away the dangers of being left alone on our rock…”

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CREDITS

Produced in collaboration with:

Tomas Espaillat

Title animation produced in collaboration with

Vale Productions

[irissands]

Having been alone for the last 20 years I've given aloneness and isolation a lot of thought. One thing that came to mind when I asked myself why being alone made me feel bad about myself was the fact that society uses isolation as punishment. Removing a "perpetrator" from social interaction is so accepted we don't even think of what it means. Solitary confinement in prisons, the child sent to his room for "downtime", the school child separated from his classmates as punishment, are all practices that teach us that if your alone you're being punished. Food for thought.

[missym]

Solitude is one of the greatest gifts we have. It is when we learn who we really are.

[BigBendBlues]

"Being alone is scary, but not as scary as feeling alone in a relationship."
Amelia Earhart

[mosssaecker]

My first boyfriend broke up with me when quarantine began. I was the loneliest I had been in that relationship because I kept comparing my solitude to his friends. While he was watching movies with his friends, I'd be alone in bed waiting for another text from him. I forgot that I actually enjoy my own company because it was a sort of forced solitude. Comparison is what makes being alone feel lonely.

[metamorphosis_]

"He who is unable to live in society, or who has no need because he is sufficient for himself, must be either a beast or a god." -Aristotle

[daniielvelasco]

When you learn to be alone, youll discover the difference between lonely and alone. Let go of earthly attachment.

[abhishekjain]

Being Alone is better than being with someone terrible

[muckiemarfe]

Loneliness is dangerous. Its addicting. Once you see how peaceful it is. You dont wanna deal with people anymore.

[RealmsOfThePossible]

I like being alone, I'm the best person I know to hang out with.

[gulzaman]

Loneliness is better than empty friendship with uncertain love. The more i know the human being the more i become lonely. Me

[chuckysmom]

It is a skill to be alone. And to learn how to be your own best friend.

[Szaam]

I turn thirty this year, and I've spent nearly all of my twenties living a much lonelier life than most people. I've been single since 2012 and I haven't been on a date since 2015. This plus other factors has sent my fear of rejection through the roof over the years, to the point where it is something I've had to constantly accommodate for a long time. Despite this, there are aspects of my twenties that I can definitely be proud of.

I've traveled alone many times over the years, to some beautiful parts of the world and had some great times, albeit on my own. It always felt like there was a lot of social pressure to not be alone, especially when you're traveling or out in public at a bar or a cinema or such like. Once I started ignoring that pressure, it felt incredibly liberating, even though I'd rather have had some company most of the time. I wouldn't advise people take it to the extent that I have, but I'd definitely recommend people do more things alone.

[Mendertainer]

I have been connected with building community gardens, where people can grow food in city and come to different events. I found that this kind of initiatives are really helpful for people, who feel alone. These city gardens attract many people, who are strangers to one another, but they end up bonding while planting salads or eating together.

[علاءعدنانمحمودشكور]

People around us aren’t as happy as they look like

[graydonadams]

I swear this is the only channel that actually is capable of making a meaningful impact...thank you👍🏻

[SlaughterHouseEducation]

When we are alone we are with the person we can never get rid of and often terrifies us the most, ourselves

[dreaminez]

I used to get lonely like normal people. But after a horrible breakup with a fiance after she cheated on me with strangers, best friends, guys and girls I took my first mushroom trip. I was pulled from the brink of suicide to a place where I live for solitude. All the love I directed toward my fiance I now direct inward. No one will ever love you like you can love yourself.

[bolivar]

Thanks a lot for this very valuable lesson and for the wonderful animation!
1. They say that the process of death starts with birth and accelerates at dinner parties!
It sounds like a silly joke at first, but indeed it is a profound way to describe the loneliness we all feel when we are around people to whom we don't feel connected at all.
Friends who watched " The Thin Red Line", one of the saddest war movies of all time, will remember that conversation between the two soldiers, which is truly heart breaking:
- Do you ever feel lonely?
- Only around people.
2. This is understandable, if for some reason we had to spend too much time with superficial folks.
But if it is a chronic situation, if we feel always " disconnected" to people, may be the problem starts within us.
For example, a friend of mine constantly complains about not having anyone to talk to and being always disappointed by everybody.
Well, once I teased him a bit and told him this proverb I love:
" If a fight breaks out in every bar you walk into, may be it is you! "
In fact, my friend is incredibly dissatisfied with himself and that's where his isolation begins. He excludes a huge part of himself, within himself.
So it seems that in order to feel connected, we need to connect to ourselves first and for that we need two things:
Self Compassion and Self Knowledge.
3. I have this other beloved friend who sees herself as a total failure for not having found a husband.
I keep telling her that it is indeed very tragic to see your entire happiness in the hands of a stranger...How can that ever go right?
For anyone who feels bad about not being married, here are three excellent movies that will instantly make you feel extremely fortunate!
-Scenes from a Marriage, by Ingmar Bergman
-Who is afraid of Virginia Woolf, by Mike Nichols
-Before Midnight, by Richard Linklater
4. People are obsessed with romantic love. If we had thought that much about friendship, we would all be much more content and sane!
What really matters is the quality and depth of our friendships. Aristotle's view on "virtuous friendship" explains this so beautifully:
"Virtuous friendship, however, is described as complete and the ultimate form of love. This type of friendship happens between few people, is long lasting, and must be between people with a certain moral character.
Those involved in virtuous friendships must be able to value loving over being loved and as such, their relationship will be based more around loving the other person and wanting what is good for them."
5. But we can have really meaningful and beautiful interactions with strangers too! We may not be future soul mates, but we can still touch each others lives and make a difference.
There is a wonderful podcast called " The Happiness Lab", made by the most beloved psychology professor at Yale University, Laurie Santos.
On one episode they talk about the value of talking to strangers and they tell many heart warming stories.
The episode is called:
" Mistakenly Seeking Solitude".
The title is a bit misleading, because they don't deny the value of solitude. But they rather encourage us to be more open and brave and to talk to people, so that we can see how much we have in common with any random stranger indeed.

[RahubaatNeteru]

This COVID-19 lockdown showed me the ugliness of others and MYSELF... I'm making strides to improve my life and learning to be alone. I love people but Damn we need to learn to get along better...

[octavioussage]

This video came out weirdly at the spike of my loneliness and alot of the things said verbalises my exact feelings that its uncanny...