Signs you might be the family scapegoat

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Intro music: Smooth and Cool by Nico Staf
Outro music: Lensko Let’s Go

Time Stamps:
0:00 Intro
2:06 You don’t quite fit into the family
3:15 Your life choices are a threat to the family
4:42 You’re punished for pointing out the dysfunction
6:26 Negative traits are projected onto you
7:33 You’re blamed for everything that goes wrong
8:33 A word of caution

[FishareFriendsNotFood]

Yes, I think one of the biggest roadblocks to the black sheep walking away for good is the belief there is actually a community out there where they actually will fit in. Every black Sheep deserves to find their community. It's out there, I guarantee 💗

[spinwitch]

Anybody here a memeber of the 'golden child to black sheep' pipeline? I became a black sheep when I came out as gay at 20. My parents were both floored when they found out because they used to refer to me as the "idealized version" of my mother. Neither one of them knew how to interact with me or be normal about it. From that point onward I started to diverge heavily from the path(s) they were pushing me down and now we don't talk to each other. It's been 5 blissful years of no contact. It's given me a lot of clarity, peace, and space to grieve the parental relationships I never had.

[rui]

My cousin married into a family that turned her into the scapegoat, her husband being a the golden child, and WOW it is unreal to see the mental gymnastics those parents had to go through to justify and enable all of his horrible decisions

[bruisedheart]

Being the black sheep is not for the weak, it gets so lonely I experienced this my entire life.

[chrissrandall]

My father married a woman when I was 13. I was his youngest biological child (my sisters were 17 and 19 at the time and lived on their own, so they did not have the same experience I did). My step mother had two children who were younger than me from her previous marriage.
She absolutely hated me. She convinced doctors that I had bipolar disorder (I do not), she would constantly talk about sending me away, I had an obscene amount of chores compared to the other kids. My relationship with my father is absolutely broken. It breaks my heart.
I was a kid who struggled to deal with my parents divorce and my father’s nearly immediate remarriage. To this day, I see them post pictures of them on “family trips” around the world. My father has told me countless times that I am not included because it’s my fault. I was a child. I have four teenage children of my own now — two of which are my step children. I know how it feels to be raised by step parents and now to raise step children - it is not their fault, and it wasn’t mine either. I carry the burden of my childhood existence with me every day… she just didn’t want me ruining her “perfect family”.

[shannabug]

It took 5 years of intense therapy and disconnecting from my family for me to break free of all the coping mechanisms that were ruining my life from being the scapegoat AND black sheep of my family. My mother is a narcissist and borderline personality and I was always "an embarrassment " and never good enough and "how could I ruin my beauty with tattoos?!" I'm so grateful that my therapist helped me learn to reroute my neuro-pathways and ultimately grow up & become the person I was actually born to be. This video so resonated with me.

[chioma]

You can be idealised and devalued at once - I experienced this. It's because to the outside world I'm an "asset" since they're shallow but inside I cause envy (5 siblings they all seem to have narcissistic personality disorder, big age gaps either side of me). So I grew up a little different to them

[musicbrazilian]

As child I was the scapegoat and now as an adult I have become the black sheep. When I am in my home town I ignore them as much as possible. The funny thing is when I am around they hunt me down pretending to care but in reality they were trying to limite my options by not allowing me to go out. They are fanatic religious narci. I enjoy reading and dance. My family and I are are like oil and water.

[LilBearZen]

Definitely am. I’m autistic and depend on my parents for a lot of general life upkeep. I’m not a NEET; I have a degree, a job, and hobbies.

I’m also a progressive in a house full of heavy right wingers. When my dad talks to my brothers and it gets heated, it looks like a normal argument. Whenever I opine on anything I literally get barked at like I’m a dog; it’s that loud, sharp, “correcting” HEY! And that means the conversation is over.

It’s incredibly frightening for someone with sensory and social issues, and the invalidation I feel is crushing…

[jennw]

Excellent introductory discussion of the scapegoat role. I thought when my narcissistic mom died that I was free from this role. Particularly since Dad had remarried a woman who was merely codependent and not abusive. But I found myself being actively scapegoated again at 54 years old by my golden child sister when she had a midlife crisis. And the rest of the family and stepfamily fell right in line. Watch out.

[junosswans]

I was a panicked mess after being contacted by my physically abusive mother when she demanded me to sign her mortgage (the bank rejected her and I never knew that she’s investing in any apartment), and when my father saw me sobbing in bed, he told me I’m overreacting & that he’s always known that I “have something wrong in my head”. Said I should help her with this one simple task as her daughter. It took me very long (& the reassurance of many ppl) for me to believe that I wasn’t overreacting— it’s hard when your entire family tries to convince you that you’re the problem.

[LisaCloverbloom]

i was the family scapegoat up until my older siblings finally moved out. with no one else to turn to, suddenly i was my mother's golden child out of nowhere lol

[ARvdW-en]

Yup, yup and YUP! I value communication, compassion, agency/autonomy, wellbeing etc., This made me the target in my family system. I am now in my 40's and no longer in contact with my family, as it was abusive and dangerous. I have found the work - Family Scapegoating Abuse Recovery - of Rebecca C. Madeville to be pivotal in my recovery process.

Thank you for your wisdom Ana, it is so valuable. I am an avid student/practitioner of psychology and really enjoy your channel.

[cherriberri]

I always hate when therapists say BS like at 9:00. This is like a doctor saying a patient is going to be alright. Its a lie, one that is okay in a crisis like a first responder to a patient in the back of an ambulance. But never is it fine to lie to someone for their comfort.

[kyleepratt]

2:30 - hey that's me! Conservative Mormon household, my siblings are in general more progressive than my parents. I openly left the church in 2016 and am now a progressive Atheist!

[linaszky]

the timing of this coming out is crazy im currently in university and just got cut off financially by my stepfather because i "hurt his feelings" during an argument and he will not tolerate that. meanwhile i have spent over 7 years at this point holding all my hurt feelings inside over the fact that he has never believed that i was SAed as a child and instead called me a liar and treated me as the scapegoat since. the only way out i see is cutting all contact unfortunately i dont think we could ever have a normal relationship

[pleinairlizfair]

Just found out my brother and I both watch you after sending this to him 🎉 thanks for the video, Doc. Keep up the great work!

[BrianPham]

I am 10000% a black sheep in my family! Especially after studying internal family systems

[possumstudios]

great video as always, I've also seen it happen where two family members scapegoat each other and it just becomes a toxic loop without anyone ever taking responsibility

also side note (and hopefully not a faux pas - I just really appreciate makeup) your color coordination is slaying the house down!

[Mushroom_Muncher]

That felt like you were talking to me directly. Wow wow wow. Thank you.