MASKING MY AUTISM- what does it look like? what did it make me do?

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Paige Hennekam
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ROYALE TOWN & COUNTRY REALTY
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Related: autism, autism diagnosis, Paige layle, paigelayle, paigelayle tiktok, tiktok videos, autistic, autistiktok, autistok, autism spectrum disorder, Aspergers, Aspergers syndrome, autism in girls, dsm, autistic kid, autism mom, autism family, autism speaks, autism awareness, autism acceptance

0:00 Introduction
0:09 @PAIGELAYLE TIKTOK & INSTAGRAM
2:27 hand shaking
2:55 scripted convos
3:43 mirror practise
5:03 copying outfits
5:34 no personality
6:09 customer service voice 24/7
6:40 blend in SO MUCH
8:19 mirror mirror
8:33 people pleasing!!!
9:00 exhausted
9:56 prepared for social interactions
10:26 i was the joker
10:51 saying words weird

[MDaggatt]

Masking is wild because, in middle school, I tried to mask by being very mean to everyone that I liked. However, I didn't know that was bad because people who I thought were my friends were actually just bullying me, so my brain made the rule that friendship = being mean.

[linden]

It's like being in a job interview constantly - trying really hard and consciously to appear right, say the right thing.
It is exhausting.

[SarahKey]

Me at a job interview for a clothing store: Wow, you're so bubbly!!! We would love to have you

Me actually working at said job: Why aren't you talking to customers???

Masking is so funny

[joanams]

it's so funny cause my masking strategies are completely different from yours which just shows how bad autistic people are at pretending to be neurotypical, like we're all doing different things thinking this is how neurotypical people act but none of us is doing it right lol

[KawaiiSlane]

The insane number of times I've been "Manic Pixie Dream Girl'ed" and told "you're perfect for me, " all because I unconciously shift and mold my personality to match whoever I'm talking to. Whoops.

[agentseh]

I always used to have set personalities for different social groups, and I never realised how often I would switch between wildly different ways of .. existence? (Idk) I would be talking to one person in one way, someone would walk over, and I’d immediately switch mid conversation into the personality I had created for that person, and switch between whatever depending on who’s talking. (My 3rd grade teacher thought I was really weird dude)

[direwolf]

I can relate to feeling like an adult in a kid's body when I was younger, although I don't think it had anything to do with me being smarter. I think it was more so because I was bullied pretty severely. I would retreat into my own mind as a coping mechanism, which lead me to consider things that other people wouldn't because they were too busy having fun and playing with their friends. It could also be that due to being in an unstable environment I tended to overthink my actions and choices as to not subject myself to further trauma.

[annika]

“As a kid, I felt like an adult with a bunch of kids.”

LITERALLY SAME OMGGGG!!!! I recently talked with my psychiatrist and therapist about possibly being autistic because I have memories EXACTLY like this plus current struggles (they think 100% yes and referred me for formal diagnosis 🙃). I’d be so overwhelmed by other kids that I’d freeze and the teachers would bring me to one of the special ed rooms to play by myself lol. They called it “Annika time.” Then they told my mom I was just shy… 🤦🏼‍♀️

[hurricanefrid]

I'm not diagnosed with autism, but I am diagnosed with ADHD with autistic traits (pretty sure they're more than just traits though) and I relate to this SO much. I'm 29 and it wasn't until last year that I actually stopped masking completely. I was basically so burnt out and depressed that I just went "WELP, pretty sure I won't be around for much longer anyway, so I might as well stop giving a sh**!"
My poor, neurotypical family was so confused in the beginning, lol. I actually remember my mom and sister telling me that it seemed like my symptoms had "worsened" lately, to which I firmly said "No. Nonono. You actually can't say that, because I've ALWAYS been this way. I'm just too exhausted to muster up even a fraction of the energy it takes for me to even try to care about pretending that I'm not."
I started going to therapy shortly after that, so my mental health is loads better now. Still not the best, but so much better than it was before.

[Ever_Since_Never]

Also growing up, I was always told my smiles, especially in photos, looked fake. Even if I was having fun, I’d get that. I’ve realized that when I’m unmasking, I naturally smile a lot, and it’s usually a full-on kind. I think maybe I stopped doing that when I was little because there are a few times, when I was very small, where I can remember people being freaked out that I’d just be existing and walking around with a full-faced smile. Now I just don’t care, because I’m a mostly happy person and I like the way my actual smile feels when I do it. A lot of unmasking for me has been realizing, you know what, if I’m happy and not hurting anyone, who cares what people think? That’s been powerful for me.

[mommabecky]

I am unmasking at 38. It’s extremely overwhelming to be learning who i am at almost 40. I have realized none of my friends where my friends. And now i have to make new friends. I am over and done with hiding who i am and i just want to not want to off myself anymore so unmask it is. I have learned i am nothing like anyone and that is wonderful and ok. Wish i would have known at your age.

[junksprout]

When you talked about dumbing yourself down, it sent me into a brain gallery of all the conversations I've been having since I've stopped masking as much, and how different my vocabulary is. I use big, specific words because I assign specific meanings to them, and they can't be subbed out for a smaller, more friendly word naturally to me, because they don't mean the same thing. They don't give the exact vibe or feeling I'm trying to convey.

I remember I used to get in trouble for it in social groups when I was a lot younger before I figured out "oh, this is something people don't like about me, must adapt." People always seem to think that I was doing it to sound smarter, to show that I was better than them, a true intellectual. And yeah, while I do think I was smarter than everyone, and I still do (but I'm working on that a lot), I just used the words that made the most sense to me.

[bruce]

1:50: Eye contact.
2:26: Hand shaking.
2:54: Scripted convos.
3:42: Mirror practise.
4:01: Paid sponsor.
5:01: Copying outfits.
5:33: No personality.
6:07: Customer service voice 24/7.
6:39: Blend in so much.
8:19: Mirror mirror.
8:32: People pleasing!!!
8:59: Exhausted.
9:56: Prepared for social interactions.
10:26: I was the joker.
10:51: Saying words weird.

[chloe_]

I don’t know that I’m necessarily on the autism spectrum, but I think I relate to this from anxiety. A great example was standing in the hall in high school in the morning before classes. Like, it was what my friends did, so I did it. But I was constantly analyzing how is everyone standing? How is everyone holding their school stuff? How do I stand in a group in a physically normal way? What time does everyone disband to go to class? There is also tons of sensory input in a high school hallway before classes start. With all that running through my head, how the hell am I supposed pay attention? Lol

[madcow]

#6 No Personality: I refuse to discuss music with people because their opinion affects my opinion. I also refuse to learn about the personal lives of musicians because if I don't like them as a person than I will dislike their music. I just want to have my own 'objective' opinion and picking up other's opinions is just maddening.
One thing I'm very curious about is what happens when the video skips. Are you laughing uncontrollably for 5 minutes straight each time? Stimming in some way? I've never made a video and a lot of other videos skip the same way so I don't think it's necessarily something nefarious.

[lc]

Many autistic people get called "gifted" and get good grades at school but I'm autistic and I left school with one GCSE and I got put down as having learning difficulties

[basketcase]

I have ADHD (inattentive) and I can definitely relate to some of this. Struggling with the acceptable amount of time for eye contact to make it respectful but not awkward in different situations, blending in by adopting characteristics of other people and same interests to some extent, trying to effect a deeper voice, dumbing myself down, making myself smile in things like job interviews, planning out conversations to some extent (what things I can talk about so we don’t run out of topics), and trying to overcome what are probably sensory issues (such as trying to partake in conversations where there’s lots of background noise, but I seem to be the only person struggling to make out what others are saying). Other people also find me difficult to read in the sense that their guesses for my interests and likes are frequently completely wrong.

But I feel like I do have my own likes and interests, but just hide them from most people unless I’m comfortable with them. And similarly, I don’t think I’ve ever needed to check my facial expressions or body language. And I think I get better at talking to people if I know them better and aren’t restricted to just scraps of information they’ve mentioned in passing. I also don’t get quite as exhausted as Paige in social situations, especially around actual friends.

[hackidreemurr]

For me, Masking looks like:
- Hiding or stop engaging in my special interest when I don't feel safe (this happens subconsciously)
- Pretending to be interested in NT topics and actively engaging in an conversation about NT things
- Listening to conversations I'm not interested in
- Stopping myself from saying what's on your mind or thinking for a while, whether I should really say XY
- Not stimming in public or using stim toys
- Participating in NT activities
- Making eye contact, ouch!

How I masked when I was younger but I don't do these anymore:
- Learning Social cues and how to behave in certain social situations and applying them irl
- Initiating conversations with other people to make the impression of being nice
- Talking a lot, even I didn't want to
- Starting conversations with other people to "practice" the skills I learned from the internet and to make other people think I am nice
- Smiling a lot and trying to look like a friendly person
- Imitating current trends and getting into typical interests (wasn't so successful though) and trying to take more care of my appearance
- Participating in gossiping in order to belong somewhere
- At the age of 13-14, I also first started to hide my special interests and refused to openly draw MLP characters in front of other people. This issue is still present today, just with my new special interest Undertale now

[RyanJones]

I tried hard to act normal, be social, make friends, and be "engaged in the community" for years. I spent years running 2 different meetups groups, and going to two others. This meant that I would go to 4 different meetups a week. I ran an 8 hour long rock climbing meetup with dinner afterward (which I had to plan for every week) on Saturdays. I also ran another Bouldering meetup (4 hours) on Wednesdays. Then on top of that I went to a cards against humanity meetup on Tuesdays, and another social meetup on Fridays. I was also drinking a bottle of wine and a liter of beer a day throughout that time in order to cope with it all. I once organized a rock climbing trip with a few people and failed to stop everyone when we all started up a dangerous path on the side of the mountain because I didn't want to be seen and the timid weakling loser I had always thought of myself as. This lead to us getting lost on the mountain and almost needing to be rescued. We did some unsecured climbing that could have resulted in us getting severely injured or even killed. I did all of this in order to fight against my own nature and my own inner weakness which disgusted me and which I felt I had to overcome. So yeah, you can say that I tried hard to "Mask" my autism. All of this never really brought me any fulfillment though. The social relationships I found doing this were ultimately fickle and eventually, all but two of them disappeared. I now no longer do any of that nor drink any alcohol at all. I am now happily sitting in my room and I'm now going to continue playing the Witcher 2 for the first time.

[hollidiewaldfeee]

i am on my way to get a diagnosis in one month.. we will see. I'm pretty
certain at this point. i just got home 5 minutes ago from a party i didnt want to attend (decided to go because somebody asked). once i was there somebody dragged me into a group of people to introduce me. everyone started touching my hands, my shoulders and stuff, taking to me, telling me storys and wanting to get to know me by asking a lot of questions. i switched to the social person everyone expected me to be. after that i had a breakdown, screamed at my friends and drove home alone. i disassociated almost the whole way home. no idea how i got here. i have been sitting on my bed since i came home and now i am watching your video to get better and understand myself more. i am trying so hard not to cry rn this experience was just too much