How to spot autism in High Masking Autistic Women - What’s behind the mask?

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When trying to spot autism in high masking autistic women we have to look beyond the mask. A mask can be like a façade or an optical illusion that looks flawless at a certain angle but on a different angle or perspective, it looks different and the illusion breaks down. Essentially, the mask implies something that doesn’t really exist. Instead behind the mask is a hidden inner experience. The distinction between the person and the mask is it is what is underneath that is the most important thing and this experience needs to be validated.

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🎞️Timestamps:

0:00 Introduction
1:25 What is a Mask?
3:21 What Gaps to Look for
3:55 Talking
4:29 Reading
5:10 Areas of Gaps
5:26 Social Skills
5:59 Knowledge & Understanding
6:50 Inconsistent Capacity
7:07 Burn out
7:35 Uneven Skills
8:21 Inconsistent Executive Function
9:52 Moving Beyond Masking
13:25 Tips for your Unmasking Journey

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👋Welcome to Autism From The Inside!!!

If you're autistic or think you or someone you love might be on the autism spectrum, this channel is for you!
I'm Paul Micallef, and I discovered my own autism at age 30.

Yes, I know, I don't look autistic. That's exactly why I started this channel in the first place because if I didn't show you, you would never know.

Autism affects many (if not all!) aspects of our lives, so on this channel, I want to show you what Autism looks like in real people and give you some insight into what's happening for us on the inside. We'll break down myths and misconceptions, discuss how to embrace autism and live well, and share what it's like to be an autistic person.

Join me as I share what I've found along my journey, so you don't have to learn it the hard way.

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Thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoy my channel!

Peace,

~ Paul

#autism #asd #autismawareness
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To me - autistic diagnosed 3 years ago at 54 - masking is not only about hiding my weaknesses; it's also about hiding my strengths because they are not always well received. Deep critical thinking, eternal curiosity and precision are skills often respected in theory - but in practice: not so much. This really complicates matters even more...

lisedenmark
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For those who might still be confused about what masking is, take that “what do I say to that person I like that will sound cool but not weird” conversation you had with yourself as a teenager and replicate it for everything. Hundreds of times a day. What do I wear so I won’t be weird? How do I sit so I won’t be weird? What is the least weird thing to do with my hands while I’m walking? What is the “right” answer if my coworker asks me to join them for lunch? If I go to lunch with my coworker and have to be “on” during that time will I have enough energy to make it through the day without having a panic attack and melting down in the bathroom? If I have to have melt down in the bathroom what is the best “cover story” to tell someone who asks if I’m okay? Because guess what, I’m autistic and lunch was fun but it was just too much, is DEFINITELY going to sound totally insane. This is masking, and it is exhausting.

mylifewithmarmalade
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My daughter 22, just dropped her mask and has decided to live authentically. She wears noise canceling headphones, uses a electronic talking device and carries her stim bag with her in public. SHE HAS NEVER BEEN HAPPIER. As her mom, i wish i would've known what she was dealing with so i could have been more helpful. But i am so proud of her.

andrealeach
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I was hoping that you will talk a little about the specific masking traits in women.
I teach college classes and I see different patterns in my female and male autistic students. The female gender has a higher demand for being social in a sophisticated way and most of my female students on the spectrum have mastered those skills: they know how to hold a conversation, how to respect the pauses and the turns, they produce the "right body language" when holding a conversation, make perfect eye contact when needed and they use it to reinforce their point.
Their peculiarity mostly comes out as a shade of anxiety. They suffer more than the other gender when they don't perform at the level that they want (mostly because they didn't fully understand the exercise because they are always perfectionists). They perfectly mask their frustration (expert actors, compared to males), but that makes them more vulnerable and susceptible to depression. It is also true that most women on the spectrum do not disclose it in an educational or professional setting.

alejandrajarabo
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Behind the mask is exhaustion, anxiety, frustration, an incredible amount of stress and lots of confusion. Feel free to add impostor syndrome, constant overthinking and a never-ending replay of every awkward conversation you ever had in your entire life. Also, that rare peace of mind when you're alone and undisturbed with your favorite thing in life.

awetistic
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I had an identity crisis for years, because of masking. I didn't even know what I liked or didn't like anymore; and I didn't understand how I was supposed to feel in different situations.

ArtsyMegz_On_Etsy
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When a therapist told me she suspected I was autistic, and I shared this with my colleagues, literally EVERY SINGLE ONE was like, "Come on, Jess! No way! That's crazy." And then I had to kind of defend the fact that maybe someone had seen me in a more real way than people who really "know" me. It felt very backwards.

The thing is, I don't really want or need a label, but I would like a bit more space for my weirdness.

Nobody understands why it's so hard for me to function in an open/flex workspace. Where do I sit every day? Where do I put my things? How am I supposed to feel comfortable and be productive there? I don't need this daily wildcard.

Why do we always need such bright lights on in the room? People turn lights on for me, like I am not a full grown woman who can choose to sit in the dark if I like. I can see just fine in dim lighting!

Why can't restaurants have drink menus and give me time to read them? How do you expect me to make a choice right when I sit down, especially if I don't know what all of the options are? And why can't people understand why this stresses me out?

And, seriously, is it so strange to be articulate and love public speaking/facilitating, but dread large social gatherings? They're totally different situations.

I've just been labeled as a highly quirky and vulnerable diva, but I wish sometimes people would recognise that it is also really uncomfortable, draining, awkward, or even impossible to have to do things a certain way that doesn't come naturally to me.

Thanks for the venting space.

alljessedup
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The planning and sketching, it hit me. I rehearse my entire life before I actually live it. If I have a busy day ahead, I’ll wake up at 2:30 AM when I don’t have to be to work until 7, so I can plan my day and any conversations and confrontations I may have.
With my art, before I start a piece I have to build it in my head. It takes days and days, and I can’t start to physically work on something until it is complete inside of my head. My head is where I keep the original masterpiece, the tangible piece is just a reproduction. 😭

Domesticated_house_goblin
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Sometimes it's hard to tell how much is anxiety from a traumatic childhood, my ADHD or possible autism. It seems like there can be so much crossover between the three in terms of trying to interact with other humans in a way that isn't stressful for me or off-putting for them

Sleipnirseight
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Just a note on therapy or seeing a mental health professional: if you're autistic (especially if you're not aware of it yet) it could be quite damaging to be "treated" for anxiety/depression like a "normal" person would be. My mental health worsened progressively with therapy as I just learnt to mask more and more and ignore my limits. The therapist would always push me to socialise and exercise etc. even when I was saying I had no energy or socialising made me feel really depressed, because there's this theory that exercise and socialising are cures for bad mental health. I think the cures for bad mental health in autistic people are acceptance, stopping masking, removing sensory triggers, plenty of alone time, and probably various other practical things depending on the person. There are therapists out there with a specific interest or expertise in autism who won't try to make you normal.

hmmmmm
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My sister is a high masking autistic person, and although she got diagnosed in high school my parents hid the diagnosis from the rest of the family (even me)and wouldn't accept any weaknesses or additional struggles she faced. It took me until we were both adults to really start to talk to her seriously about her experiences. I only wish I had been more help to her when we were younger because I love her more than anything and I wish life in our society wasn't so hard for her 🥺❤️

KestrelHime
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I thought masking was when i try not to rock back and forth in public. I am realizing it's also: focusing on areas of my music interest that don't make me seem too strange; hiding how much I struggle to function in daily life; mirroring the body language and conversational style of people I talk to to an extent; assuming the expected tone and mood for an encounter, deciding to smile rather than smiling spontaneously; feeling like I'm larping as a normal person in office environments; trying to keep to fewer words and summarize what I'm trying to say, as I naturally tend to talk a LOT. Keeping unpopular opinions to myself. Not arguing with people (who i am not close to) when they say things that i find questionable from a factual or moral standpoint. Not letting on when my social battery has run out. Disguising burnout. Controlling my posture. Going out more than i'm comfortable. Drinking to socialize even when i don't really want to, because socializing without drinking is hard. Pretending not to feel like an outcast. Become a work lunchroom bookworm and getting stuck sitting alone, which mskes you feel too visible, but also not wanting to start a conversation because conversations can be tedious and hard work, unless the topic lands on your special interest, in which case you risk coming off as weird. Feeling like when you've had two to three conversations with each co-worker, that's sufficient, and now you don't really have anything to talk about. Not really feeling comfortable with light chit-chat, so you're not really in on the office banter. Pretending that you wouldn't always rather be home, focussed on something interesting to you.

ltkritzinger
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As an autistic woman, who spent 34 years wondering “what the hell is wrong with me?” - thank you for this! It puts into words so many things I cannot!

rafaelastoakes
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My daughter is a high masking autistic woman. She was not diagnosed until she was 33. Most people had no idea she was autistic until life got so stressful her mask started slipping A LOT. When she gets really stressed, verbal communications is one of the first things to go. Inconsistent skill sets is another clue. She is really good at certain things - most of the time. She has trouble figuring out statements without the full context being given. We both are learning a lot about each other. I am probably her biggest advocate, but the whole family (except my late husband) is willing to take into account her needs. When she needs to escape the noise and crowds, we make sure she has a quite space to escape to. If we are out at an event (shopping, concert, restaurant, etc.), I know to make sure no one is behind her, we are close to doors, I watch out for signs of meltdowns and get her out of the situations, I have found my hearing has sharpened as she is noise sensitive. I am just so much more aware of MY surroundings so I can help keep her from becoming overstressed. That way SHE can enjoy so many more things without the added stress of having to try and mask.

juliestevens
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As a non-neurotypical non-autist I'm somewhat disappointed that the video wasn't about autistic women, nor about identifying autistic traits. I'm really in this topic to understand people, and as I've heard, autism manifest differently in girls or women (or both).

rursus
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I listened to the first 10 second and KNEW my husband needed to watch this! I'm 39 years old and was just diagnosed with Autism this week! I cried tears of joy at my diagnoses appointment. I felt SEEN and HEARD TRULY for the first time in my life! Validated! My spouse hadn't believed over the past 3 years since I realized myself I was Autistic. WE have one son who is also Autistic, one undiagnosed and potentially one more who is just a toddler. It's heavy in my family. Which made the lack of support even harder. But I'm here now!!

TheCastleHouseFAMILY
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So I'm a very high functioning autist. I had very neglectful parents and I have a very independent non-confirming personality anyway so I really didn't give a shit what other ppl thought of me. I just accepted that I was weird and moved forward in my life. There was even a period of time in my teens where I had no friends and instead of focusing on it, I focused on my studies and on creating my own art and poetry. Learning to not have to worry about masking for others really did make my life less difficult. I am part of Gen X though and that generation was all about accepting the weird. I was lucky and found a bf/husband when I was 21 and he was just as weird and awkward as I was. Because we had each other, we didn't really care what other ppl thought about us. We've been together now for 20 years. We both love weird ppl who are weird like us. When you show others that you don't care about masking, they also let down their masks. Learning to not allow other ppl to control who you are is critical for actual freedom. Be you and you might find the perfect weird person that totally gets you.

umiluv
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I was diagnosed at age 70. I always felt there was "something wrong" with me but my mother said "Girls aren't autistic". This was years ago. When I was told I was in the spectrum, I felt free. I knew it was true. It fit. It made sense.

Susianna
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I've lived by fake it til you make it. At 46 I'm still faking. I never knew it was called masking. Thank you for the lesson ❤

snash
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Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.

Jennifer-bwku