4 Harsh Truths That NICE GUYS Learn Too Late

The bottom line with "nice guys" is that there is a underlying anxiety that women can feel even if you practice all the dating techniques and save all of the instagrams. Strategy doesn't work if you don't have the underlying confidence.

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[robsmith]

I'm not afraid of rejection... I'm TIRED of rejection!

[hoedemakerbart]

I was a nice guy once.. im dead inside now cause the nature of woman is something other then i thought, been single ever since building my company, lifting weights, have a pet, few classic cars.. hobbies. Not interested in drama anymore, still love woman but everytime i think about it again, another voice in my head says no.

Not bashing on Sarah she is a great advocate and a good woman.

[johnkauppi]

Australia here. I got involved with a single mother years ago. I treated her very nicely, generously. The nicer I treated her the worse she treated me. Even her sister asked her why she treated me like crap when I was so good to her, better than any other. She responded 'Maybe it's the way I've been treated'. So it was a revenge thing on men. She dumped me for an unemployed guy who liked to smack her around, I heard. Women were a mystery back then for me.

[michaelfoxbrass]

Here’s the truth.

I’m a hard-working guy who’s been married twice (5 and 25 years). I’ve been single for 8 years now.

I have a good job, am well-liked among my friends and peers, keep myself in pretty good shape, dress well, and I enjoy a nice home with a great dog.

I’m not changing ANYTHING about myself to attract a woman.

I’m staying a nice guy - I enjoy being a nice guy.

I’m not a doormat. And I’m not an “alpha” or “alpha - wanna-be”.

She either likes me and is attracted to me as I am - or she’s not for me.

Btw, I’m not under any assumption I can or need to, (in any way whatsoever), change a woman.

She either attracts me as she is or she doesn’t.

And it’s all ok.

[rwlewko]

Sarah, when you said "I believe in you" tears welled up in my eyes. Some men, and I am one of them, just need to have their value affirmed because the world does a great job of devaluing them. I love your videos! Thank you!

[EricMoore]

It's ok being nice. You need boundaries and respect for yourself. Don't simp for and chase women. Have an oh well attitude: if it works out ok fine. If it doesn't work out ok fine. You are an individual person no matter what.

[JACKPAVAL]

We are who we are. If a woman can't keep an attraction for a
" nice guy, " then they can just live in their drama, and misery with their bad guy until he cheats on and dumps her and then they can live with no guy at all.
Like many of them end up doing.

[seanwolslau-holdren]

Frankly, I'd rather be a nice guy than be attractive. If the consequence of doing so is to be seen as undatable... So be it. Frankly, the dating world is full of unrealistic expectations and double standards and I'm sick of it.

[Mr._Anderpson]

Nice guys typically either walk away or transform into the monsters women say they hate but just can't seem to stop swallowing.

We received the message loud & clear. You're not worth a pedestal & barely worth our time.

[RayGreen]

It's about finding someone who you mutually enjoy spending time with. It's not a game so don't play games. If she isn't interested, move on, it wasn't a fit.

[pmashurenko]

Guys just screw it. Live your best life, if you'll find some nice woman along the way fine if not - no big deal since you're already doing what you want to do in your life anyway. Don't look for fulfilment in romantic relationships, there's much more to life.

[OrhallaZander]

Dating now-a-days, dont simp at all. Dont do hardly anything nice. Skip them if you wont see any gain. The women have changed. Say fudge it.

[_Trakman]

Overthinking is because I don’t know what to “do”

[Derek-fg]

I only accept direct and to the point communication. Anything less and you will be ignored. I am on my time now. If you can not talk to me, that is now a you problem not mine.

[moriscondo]

some "nice" guys dropped out of the race and didn't finish at all. The secret is they have simpler happier less stressful lives. I just hope some man reads this and is inspired to get out of the whole dating rat race and start enjoying the rest of his life.

[davepenn]

Sarah, your content has been transformational for me. Keep up your mission.

[ModusVivendiMedia]

In a sense, being rejected by women (especially if it's repeated and unrelenting) is telling you that you won't be able to mate, and your genes then tell you that you have no reason to exist if you can't mate, since your primary function is to pass on your genes. Alexander Grace also points out (accurately, I just never heard anyone lay it out like that) that men want (really NEED) to love women in a similar way that women want to love children, and find it deeply frustrating when no woman wants to receive that love. Between these two things, being rejected can feel like all the blood draining out of your head. The urge to just collapse (physically and metaphorically) and give up on existence can be pretty strong.

Being rejected is also a form of social shunning and exclusion, which never feels good even if it's a male friend that's doing it, let alone a woman you want to love and mate with. It can bring on a feeling of coldness (as in shivering), as if you've been exiled from the tribe and are out in the cold and dark, alone, instead of with everyone else where there is light and warmth and shelter and laughter and companionship.

Being rejected by a woman also implies that she prefers to mate with someone else, which elicits feelings of jealousy, for a start, but can also infantilize the man, as if he's a pre-teen that she doesn't deem mature enough to mate with, or like he isn't old enough to play with the big boys. This feeling can affect even much older men, and even when it's a younger woman rejecting them.

I sometimes have the feeling as if there is a transparent, flexible membrane separating me from other people. So long as I "stay in my lane" and just maintain a friendly, professional demeanor at a slight distance, everything seems normal. But as soon as I try to make closer contact with someone (that is, a woman), I cannot break through that barrier to make that more intimate or romantic contact (while I can see other people doing so, so I can tell that most of them don't have similar barriers). It can make me feel like the boy in the bubble or something. Even worse, even trying to break through can lead to the woman retreating to a greater distance in avoidance - see social shunning, above.

Another analogy, in worse moments, is like being under the streets of Seattle, where there are all these tunnels with little windows of thick glass you can see up to the sidewalk through. I can see the other people passing above, conversing and interacting, and hear muffled bits of their conversations, but I'm invisible to them, ignored, unable to participate or even be noticed.

We tend to blame childhood traumas or neglect, and that may be how insecurity sometimes starts, but sometimes it may just be bad luck. (We may still blame imagined childhood traumas just because we want some formative experiences to blame.) Usually our sample size is really small, so it's not at all unusual to be rejected three times in a row, or five, or even ten, and then internalize that streak of bad luck as a clear sign of a fundamental failing or inability on our part, when it's really just bad luck. Even when it did start in childhood, I think most of us could overcome that with a string of positive experiences. It's the repeated bad experiences that really get us down in the long turn, not how our parents treated us in childhood. People will often say "you need to work on yourself before you're ready for a relationship", but it turns out that's not true. (Well, working on ourselves is always a good thing, but it's not enough.) There's nothing wrong with most of us that couldn't be cured by someone just being there, reliably caring for us and accepting us, and indeed, it seems that most people CANNOT fix these problems on their own without help from someone else by their side loving them (and I don't mean a therapist). But it's the people who need this the most who are least likely to get it.

Like anything else in life, when we're really bad at something (or seem to be), even after repeated tries, we begin to fear that activity and try to avoid it. What would happen if you tried to rock climb, but slipped and lost your grip every single time you got more than one foot off the ground? Would you keep trying to climb, or would terror and shame make you stop? Even if you did keep trying, wouldn't you be shaking uncontrollably and sweating like crazy at the fear of inevitably falling (and thus more likely to fall)?

I have heard many women say they tried approaching a man once, but the pain of being rejected was so intense that they would never try it again. I don't think the pain is any less intense for men, we just don't have any choice. It's ask or die. (Or at least ask or devolve into a variety of extremely non-optimal coping behaviors, which also happen when we ask and are rejected.)

[richardgreaney]

Maybe it's just me as I'm' getting older, but I feel like the whole thing of saying "I'm going to go out and look for a girlfriend" is putting the cart before the horse. You're starting from an already complete, happy single life, then trying to shoehorn a person you just met into it somehow. I much prefer the approach of doing more things that will result in you meeting people as a consequence. From there, you can make an assessment of chemistry between you and those you have met, and decide who you would potentially like to become closer with. Just seems a lot more organic than hoping that someone you literally just met might be your soulmate.

[robertehatten]

I’m a nice guy, I treat women like queens, and not willing to change. I know guys that treat women like crap, I tried but can’t. I’m OK with that

[waldenmathews]

So what you're saying is that since I'm emotionally damaged from childhood, I can only accept broken dating advice that's congruent with my weaknesses, and by doing so, deepen the wound? I think I agree with that.