Avoidants often have a “phantom ex”

#phantomex #avoidant #avoidantattachment #breakup #dating #relationship #insecureattachment #attachment #emotionallyunavailable #relationshipcoach #situationship #heartbroken #dismissiveavoidant #fearfulavoidant #discard #discarded #divorce #attachmentstyle

[BirdieHaze]

I hope I’m the phantom ex cause I’m magnificent!! What a loss for them. 😂

[GabbyLeigh-kr]

I’ve been on both ends! Being the phantom ex is 100% more brutal imo. So if you’re the one being compared to the ex, don’t fret. Usually the phantom ex was just more tolerant to bad behavior whereas you are not so they run backwards. Trust me. You’ve done nothing wrong. Once I set firm FIRM boundaries with my avoidant, and stopped being his doormat, he never came back. Be safe y’all.

[MagdaM]

I am his phantom ex. I loved him like crazy but bc of his avoidant attachment style I left. He tried to come back multiple times but I have never gave us a chance again. I got married but and all his relationships were rather short and turbulent. He put me on the pedestal and believed that I was the one, the only. He told me „ I won’t settle for less”. He told me many times that he couldnt find anyone like me with whom he could laugh so much, talk, spend time. But when we were together he didnt appreciate it and didnt meet my standards. I went through hell but once I decided to leave I never came back. My decision was right and these ppl just ruin your life if you dont set boundaries. Inconsistence, hot and cold treatment, they’re just toxic…. But this first stage of love bombing and romance is so exciting that its not so easy to forget it. Its sad bc I know that he, like coach Ryan said, only uses me as an excuse not to build anything serious in his life. Maybe one day he will be able to heal and change

[fruitypopwhickle]

I know I'm his phantom ex. I'm not the one "who got away ". I'm the one he consistently pushed and abused until I had to run away, hide at my parents and block him on everything. 2 years free and still working through the trauma

[martinhebblewhite]

100% my ex .... looking back it really makes me angry i didnt pick up on it ..
I loved her more than anyone before .. now with space and distance . I dont want anything to do with her ..
I'm done

[no_more_free_nicks]

I'm an avoidant that tries to heal now, but this is exactly what I was trying to do with my ex.

[ljiljanameter]

Unfortunatly, I learnd about attachment stiles in the worse way possible. I knew nothing about it till 2 months ago when I decided to end relation ship with my avoidant. I feel so stupid because I let man like him to play me. I invested so much and got just pain in my stomac. And yes, I was phantom ex to him. He told me that all his life he was speaking about me. We was together 24 years ago and last summer we reunited again and I finished like first time. At first was love bombeing and after few months started everything regulary for avoidants. Even his supposably ex wife became phantom ex for a while. I think now when I set up bondaries, I will be again his phanome ex. I feel so soo stupid. Thank you for helping me a lot in healing my heart. I want to write a book about attachment stiles because here in Balkan area no body speeks about it. I will use your words because I find your explanations the most interesting. You really helped me a lot. Greetings from Croatia and thank you from the botom of my heart. ❤

[bangkokstevie]

Spot on. I'm the phantom ex to a girl I lived with back in the 80s. The last year I was with her was a bit of a nightmare and I eventually left her. She's never got over it and has made a few attempts over the years to reconcile. Since me she's gone from one disastrous short relationship to the next. A couple of these guys had a problem with me despite the fact I've always kept my distance. Some people cannot move on.

[WasatchIntercept]

It's baffled me how my avoidant had let her walls down for her phantom ex, a married man who wanted nothing to do with her, but would never let me in. She would call him in the middle of the night, looking for comfort while having a meltdown, but she always told me to stay the hell away when she was on the down side of a bipolar cycle. I never received a late night call. Not even one. I've wondered if she realized, on some level, that he was unattainable, and would have put the walls up on him, if his reactions to her had changed?

[gayleneflower]

Wow. It makes sense to them, and I never knew that about them! Thank you Coach! Im still watching everyday, still in NO CONTACT 💜

[growbe]

I always felt the third person between us. It killed the relationship. He spoke about her so often and with such reverence, How could I ever measure up?

[BruceJC]

Being only her second serious relationship and a million times better than her abusive ex husband, I’m guessing that I’m gonna be the phantom. My insane self is over here waiting for her to come back 🤪 I don’t think I will be able to stop myself if she does. I’m a slow learner.

[polo]

I am preetty sure i will be her phantom ex however the way she discarded me blaiming me for everything using stupid, absurd ridicolous reasons i am sure she will never reach out to me. Good! One month no contact so far

[Nickoo]

Oh yes! I'm definitely my ex's phantom ex, lol! She is still FB friends with my mother and sister, and I've been told even recently that the ex still has FB photos of she and I as a couple STILL in her public photos that I half expected that she would either hide or delete but she hasn't. She dumped me, yet 75+ days later she still keeps up our "we're a couple" photos in public mode 🤔 Yeah, I'm the phantom ex. Oh, and recently my mother had gave her a nice comment on a new profile photo that she posted and out of all the many other comments that the avoidant ex could could have responded to, she responded to my mother's comment, with about a paragraph's worth of information (ie- why she's "dolled-up", wearing pink lipstick, where she was going and vaguely who she was waiting on to pick her up "waiting on my ride to pick me up"). I saw right through it. She did that on purpose so it would get back to me. Why? Either to mess with my head, or try to activate me to chase. Either way, I'm not going to take the bait. I've been in strong no contact for 75+days now and I do not intend to break now. I will not succumb to these stupid games that ex's play. 💪🏻

[c.j]

From someone who is healing from avoidance patterns ⬇️💔

I was secure and an extremely present person. Unfortunately, I consider myself now as an fearful avoidant due to an ex that was extremely anxious. I put his emotions beyond mine and I never had energy 😢 I did everything so that he could feel loved but I just COULDN’T feel the same intensity and that broke me (and now I know that I did my best and everyone has their own limits). Now I’m healing and unfortunately I am his phantom ex.. But I don’t like it and I guilt myself everyday. It’s so hard for us avoidants that don’t wanna hurt our partners. He forced so much for years and I broke down.. didn’t have any energy. I am also healing.. we can’t judge.

(I know I am his phantom and that’s what pushed me away even more. It hurts to know the pain I caused but it’s also unbearable to stay in a place we just can’t).

[polo]

I am preetty sure i will be her phantom ex however the way she discarded me blaiming me for everything using stupid, absurd ridicolous reasons i am sure she will never reach out to me. Good!

[thk]

Question:
If I get compared with the phantom ex over and over again in a - i'll call it - negative way, like "my ex doesn't give me enough space", "he has done this and that to me", or any other negative story about him or his family, it's also for creating emotional distance?
The phantom ex is also on a pedestal but not in a positive way like discribed in the video.🤔

[Reese_]

That's why im here because may DA ex is dump me 1month ago, i beg and plead to him to stay and fix our relationship but he push me away😢


I know he's DA but i love him so much and i keep choosing him😢 i dont know if we fix this or not. Our relationship is last 6 yrs.