My simple eye contact rules, when you’re feeling social anxiety

Here is my advice about eye contact. I get a lot of questions about eye contact from people with social anxiety—and they are often surprised by what I tell them. We need to understand why it’s a problem, and then focus on what to do. I outline my view of the eye contact rules, to help reduce performance demands and the belief that we’re doing something wrong. Having simple rules is important when the threat system shuts down our natural social engagement abilities. Surprisingly, the key to eye contact is signaling that you recognize and care about the other person, and this focus on helping others is a key piece of shifting out of social anxiety.

We'll talk about:

0:00 - YouTube question
0:41 - WHY eye contact is so hard in social anxiety
1:50 - The pros and cons of reduced eye contact
2:41 - We DON’T want direct eye contact
4:03 - Eye contact rules when listening
4:59 - Eye contact rules when speaking
6:08 - The emphasis of compassion in eye contact
7:28 - My book is out :)

I'm Dr. Thomas Smithyman, a clinical psychologist making videos to help people overcome social anxiety.

QUESTION — Have a question about anything related to social anxiety? Post in the comments section of this video.

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My mission here is to use video to help people overcome social anxiety. Most people with social anxiety never seek help, and those who do usually wait 16 years! Treatment is effective but people don't know about it. I'd like that to change, and I'd really appreciate any help.

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If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call a local emergency telephone number or go immediately to the nearest emergency room. do I

[Michaelcaesars]

Your explanation made me automatically feel less awkward making eye contact

[recklessvelociraptor]

The first person to explain eye contact to me

[ingagoodwin]

I always feel so self-conscious that I can't make eye contact while I am talking to someone. Thank you for letting me know that's normal. I'm so relieved to know it's okay. I just can't talk while looking at their eyes. I do check in when I stop and look at their eyes. And I do look at their eyes when I'm listening.

[HBclassical]

Thank you, well stated. I never knew if glancing away while talking to someone else was a negative trait and now I know it’s not!

[saladine]

This explains so much. Thank you. I have SA all my life and after 36 years and few years of therapy and medication I am getting better. I am definitely not cured. I feel it's just part of me, but I'm beginning to accept and love myself.

[iMoRpHz]

I’m the opposite. I avoid eye contact to make others feel non threatened by me, to make them feel more comfortable. In turn it makes me look weak, but knowing I’m not, I’m okay with their judgements.

[jonathanblake]

I’ve got another question. I know a big part of social anxiety is a low self esteem. What are ways of increasing self esteem to help treat anxiety?

[davidhsv]

I struggled a lot my whole life feeling bad not being able to talk while staring at people. It's too hard just to be able to convey my turbulent mind to others 😂

Thank you for this video ❤

[-Sean_]

I have to opposite problem. I have a tendency to make full eye contact because I thought all eye contact was the same. Thank you for making this video so I can help make other people feel even more comfortable when talking to me!

[Bdog_the_salad_hater]

Thank you so much. As someone with ADHD I find eye contact extremely exhausting and distracting. This formula is freaking genius

[Mimo-d]

Spot one! Thank you so much for the explanation, I found it really hard for me to make an eye contact while talking to strangers, it makes my mind thinking about their faces and have a distracting inner dialogue, while when I listen, I naturally can make an eye contact.

[darrellanderson]

Thank you so much. You explained something so basic that has always gone over my head!

[Gyi]

Wow, seriously, the best explanation of eye contact I have ever read. Thank you. What a relief not to have to worry too much about eye contact during talking…

[jonathanblake]

I made a comment on your Channel a month ago about eye contact so it might have been my comment you saw. Thank

[erikalalalaaa]

Thank you, this makes me feel a lot better, knowing it’s not just me who is the problem. There are a few people who stare directly into my eyes when they are talking, and I don’t know what to do with my eye contact when they do that because I do want to show attention but not stare into their eyes constantly. I was confused thinking I was the problem, and feeling bad because I turn red as a result of all that eye contact

[John]

I'm not a health professional, and the group I represent is purely a peer support group, but I wonder if we're mixing perceptions here... The submissive belief in my opinion comes from the one observing the mannerisms. As someone who used to look away rather than making eye contact I would like to share my take on it (and all I'm saying is this is why I did it, and maybe others can relate). Rather than trying to hold eye contact which feels uncomfortable it's easier to change the visual focus while still engaging in the verbal communication (e.g. looking down/away etc.) while perhaps looking up occassionally so that the person talking doesn't feel you are being rude. The reason for this behaviour is one, feeling self-conscious and secondly not being certain how one should be behaving in conversations (how much eye contact is enough). Now there may be many reasons for the uncomfortableness/self-consciousness, but an easy fix to re-program the mind as to how someone should engage in conversation from a eye contact perspective is by encouraging or putting the struggler into a position where they have to explain something (and to someone they feel comfortable around is key here) and the natural thing that person has to do is to check for understanding (watching/observing that their words are being understood). Now this can be a really fun exercise which should somewhat take the focus away from eye contact to where it needs to be (actively engaging in healthy conversation). Hope this somewhat explains it, and I welcome thoughts and opinions. 🙂

[Galloptothemountains]

I’ve two questions:
1. Any suggestions on how to focus on the other person during conversation when your thoughts won’t let go of self observation? I practice mindful meditation but such is my intense social anxiety that all mindful skills go out the window at such times!
2. I struggle to express curiosity towards others as I’m fearful of coming across nosey or overstepping. I actually hate talking about myself (fear of shame exposure I suppose) but I struggle to feel able to be curious towards others in case I impinge their privacy. It’s a balance I don’t know where to begin with. What’s safe to ask and what isn’t? If you don’t ask questions with sufficient depth then it’s too superficial for a connection to form, yet if you ask too deep a question it may come across as rude or a privacy impingement!

[jaredreck]

I hate eye contact. I want to ask people "Why do you feel the need to stare at me without blinking" So creepy.

[rxqqskydvceib]

Thanks. Great content. Genuine compared to many other.

[lauradestroyer]

This is great thank you. Understanding the science or rules helps make it feel a lot less out of control