Why Avoidants Push Love Away

Love for an avoidant isn’t what makes them happy.

​Now, don’t get me wrong, an avoidant still wants commitment, love and intimacy, it’s just that their programming prevents them from letting anyone get close.

​They come up with all these de-activation strategies…

​Longing for an ex
​Flirting with others
​Refusing to commit

​What often unfolds is this endless cycle where they jump from relationship to relationship constantly searching for the one but it’s a trick.

​Subconsciously they’re happiest when…

You'll just have to watch the video to find out the rest ;) .​

[cristinamullen]

My attachment style is naturally secure but when I was dating an avoidant, I became anxious because of his self sabotaging behaviors. He would walk out and pursue exes and look for other people to flirt with and validate him, and it caused me anxiety. I was even the one in therapy at the time and my therapist told me that my reaction to that behavior was normal. Now, in a relationship with somebody who also has a secure attachment style, we haven't had any of these issues.

[smg]

To all avoidants out there: healing is possible. You deserve it and if you commit to yourself, you will reach the peace and self love you should have gotten from the start. Take care y'all!

[deannarobinson]

Avoidants who *WANT* to heal, can heal. I've never met one who actually wanted to go through the trouble and pain of addressing childhood trauma.

[Jessiethegirl]

It’s very simple. Avoidants admired a toxic parent and was hurt and disappointed over a long time. When they get into a relationship, they think “ I dont know how to be healthy and its going to end with me feeling abandoned anyways. May as well hurt them first so they don’t come back. If they come back… maybe its real. But if its real, I dont know how to handle it. It will go south and i’ll get hurt no matter what i do.” <— Because it was futile with their parent as well.

They punish someone for loving him/her but they want someone they admire to take on the punishment because ‘its worth their love’.

How do I know this?
Im avoidant.

[SoreeeDahla-xsul]

I gave my ex a lot of space. With every stressful event he needed it. However, even with giving space, he did view my affection sometimes as suffocating as well. The rare part is he did eventually became emotional vulnerable with me and talked about all his deepest fears. That also gave him stress and need for space as well. He broke up with me because he couldn't relax around me and that must mean he never really loved me. He did try to reach out but I told him we wouldn't talk, he needs to have a lot of therapy first. I told him brutally honest something is wrong with him mentally. It killed him he hurt me, he was actually very open about that. But I knew I needed to cut him off for my own wellbeing as well. I hope he is doing well and I am the wake up call he needs. There actually was so much love between us. Sad it had to go this way.

[Only_Gail_]

True Avoidants don’t jump from one relationships to the next, we dodge them all together.

[smbritton]

DA here. As a DA, I was uncomfortable in my own skin. I wanted a fulfilling, emotional life. When I discovered the attachment styles, I understood the worst tendencies I needed to act against changing my behavior. I am now healing and in a stable relationship. DA does not define who I am.

[northofyou]

That battle takes place within me. I am anxious and avoidant. I need reassurance and space.

[trucuriousity]

Thais Gibson of the Personal Development School maintains that insecure attachment can be changed by changing one's relationship to self. She says that you likely allow others to treat you similarly to how you treat yourself. Change one and you change the other.

[sistergoodstuff]

I was so confused when he dumped me out of the blue. I was so sad and hurt. Now I almost feel sorry for him. He’d rather sit alone in his miserable loneliness than deal with himself. I wish him luck. But at 46 I see a lonely future for him 😢

[rebecca_]

I was in love with an avoidant for many years. It was an ultimately exhausting experience. As a highly sensitive person / empath I was able to feel the huge difference between his "core" (emotions) and his behaviour. He never acted according to his emotions. Instead, he was driven by his huge protection mechanisms. I used the experiences with this man as an opportunity to examine my own patterns regarding relationships and for healing some childhood stuff. And now I'm finally open and ready for a man, that can provide me what I truly need and want.

I think many people are some kind of avoidant and there are different reasons for it that can be overcome if someone really wants it and does the required work. Some are willing to do it, but some not. And every person who falls in love with an avoidant has to decide for him-/ herself, if and for how long the own needs can be placed aside - hoping for changes in the avoidant. I would definitely never do it again...

[bn]

I see mine as like a scared dog. Comes close then runs, comes back, gets spooked

[susannadvortsin]

I'm 53 yrs old and I want no relationships anymore. I've had enough of other humans. I just want to be left alone.

[Jessiethegirl]

I have healed as an avoidant. Here is what works to help us feel safe and fall in love:

Patience. Consistency. Reminders that you want a healthy relationship, which means holding strong during our weak moments. When we push, give us space. Let us come to you. When we do come to you, we will test the waters to see if you still care. Don’t get angry or super emotional. Someone with excellent boundaries and communication is admirable. We don’t want someone who can be controlled (avoidants who are tired of puppets anyway). We want someone who is very intelligent, emotionally regulated, attached in a healthy manner and able to detach when its intense. Basically, everything we suck at.

We arent easy to love,
but we still can be loved and show love.

Its hard for us because our own parent played this stupid game with us for years.

[chrisqueen]

Hi Chris, I'd like to add part of my experience, here. I've been in a relationship with an avoidant for seven months, and I'm rather an anxiously attached partner. However, we both learn from the other, give space, care for oneself, be more trusting, understand our different needs, and it's great to see how we can make things work. Hopefully, not all anxious/avoidant relationships are doomed.

[dianadias]

Avoidants can heal. ❤️ And it's beautiful to witness

[your.music.worldd]

my anxious avoidant ex's words: "you will keep putting pressure on me until you make me hate this relationship"

[naomi]

As someone who has an anxious attachment style, I absolutely HATE that I always attract partners who have an avoidant attachment style. I don't think I can heal in that kind of relationship.

[waterlilynymph]

I am starting to realize how loving and open to love I have always been as an anxious attachment, and now I am starting to see that while I may open the heart temporarily of the Avoidants in my life, it ultimately will never be a man that co create with me and raise a family. I need reliable and secure relationships in my life and I deserve it as I become more secure, walking away from Advoidants with love still in my heart.

I have no ill will towards the avoidant men who came into my life briefly, including my father who was the first avoidant in my life. ❤

[brian]

We build walls to protect ourselves. The costs are high. The higher the wall, the higher the cost, really. I for one am genuinely tired of being alone in my desert, all nice and safe.