How Narcissists Transfer Their Pain Onto Their Children

If you grew up with a narcissistic parent, you have the challenge of coming to terms with the dysfunctions that followed you into adulthood. Dr. Les Carter describes how narcissistic parents did not know how to resolve their own internal struggles, so they placed their burdens onto the next generation. As you gain insight into their mismanaged parenting styles, you can become poised to make significant healthy adjustments.

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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, Tx. In the past 40+ years he has conducted more than 65,000 counseling sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder.

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[dawnlee]

My covert narcissist mother just passed away. I spent my life trying to appease her. I mourn not the mother I just lost, but the mother I needed but couldn't have.

[reddawn]

Their internal unhappiness is a soul rot that they have to spread to their household like a cancer.

[joannolsen]

When your mother is a narcissist there’s no way out…. No where to turn …. No way to make it better…. It’s a no win impossible situation that often makes life unbearable…. Even for the strongest most empathic spiritual warriors. It’s a no win situation. Just do your best to survive.

[lanesejohnsonhu]

My childhood was like one of those psych horror games, where you have to hide from the demonic possessed person (parent) constantly watching, chasing, and attacking. Without the ability to defend myself, I ended up with cptsd, diagnosed later on in life when the horror wouldn't go away in my mind and body. Having a narc parent is horrible because it's an abuse that society ignores, and damages a child for the whole life.

[sararay]

Took me 80 years and slogging through relationships with narcissists, but I not only survived it all, I grew and feel complete in myself now. Felt good to say that. Thanks for listening.

[aliceroberts]

I was thinking about this the other day how my mother put her fear of everything on me and criticize me and invalidated me till I know confidence myself. They destroy your life and set you up to being taken advantage of by predators. The predator I’m married to is way worse than my mother was.

[bethmoore]

I’m 68, and the story of my family of origin became much clearer after the death of our mother, 26 years after my father passed. They were both narcissists, one an obvious monster, and the other, insidious and possibly more destructive. I’m the scapegoat, and I’m proud. One can only take pride in being the one who didn’t fit in with a toxic, judgmental bunch of vicious gossips and bigots.

[TaDarling]

When I was a child, my narcissistic mother would routinely remind me that I lived in her house and my feelings didn't matter and if I didn't like it, I could go live in the streets.

[tobascoheat]

In all my growing up years, I cannot recall even one time that my mother said what I did was good, or creative, or any other compliment you'd care to insert there. Not once. But I can recall MANY times she was unsupportive or critical.

[annietapia]

Yup, that's me and my mother. So much damage done over the years. 5 decades to be exact. Working on recovering. God be with me in this process. Thank you, Dr. C. I hope and pray that others affected by narc parents will likewise find their peace and finally heal.

[seanneeley]

I often wondered why my mother was always so nice to others when she abused everyone else in the family. She dumped too much adult responsibility on me at a young age, and hit and yelled if I didn’t measure up. She constantly yelled at my dad. She’d be so pleasant in public but behind closed doors, it was like she turned into a werewolf. The abuse has left me with depression, anxiety, and bouts of anorexia. I hope to be born into another life with a loving mother. I envy people who have that now.

[sharonjones]

A narcissistic parent will be mired in jealousy, too, especially to the same sex child. This will come out in extreme meanness, contempt and criticism. They will sabotage your successes and try to destroy your self esteem. To their way of thinking, happiness is finite and there is very little of it to go around. If you’re happy or proud of your accomplishments, you are “using up” all the happiness out there that belongs to them, not you.

[IzabelaWaniek-ix]

Having a narcissistic parent is a challenge of a lifetime. If you manage to individuate, you are a superhero 🦸

[hannahrosa]

my dad, now deceased 18 yrs was likely a malignant narcissist. He began beating me when I was only about two weeks old. I cried because I was allergic to milk and he hated that. He nearly killed me more than once. He was always violent and hated all of us, 6 kids and a low functioning. Mother. I've spent years coming to terms with it and have found that my freedom came with my ability to forgive them, along with years of therapy. I finally celebrate who I am in Christ.

[jeannebotes]

I left home and cut off all ties 23 years ago thanks to narcissistic parents and I've never looked back! 🌻🌻🌻

[donnao]

Yes, and let’s not forget about all the “secrets” we children had to keep. Exhausting and deceitful.

[mswriter]

I was programmed to judge people, due to being judged. I've learned to reverse this reaction by, focusing on loving thoughts

[elizabethhuang]

I was an easy target for sexual assault because my narcissistic father’s rage trained me very early on that 1) I was not allowed to have nor enforce my boundaries, and 2) his verbal and physical abuse made me numb and ignore my gut feeling. I learned to just freeze and ‘take’ the hits without being allowed to fight back, so I reverted into this phase when I was assaulted.

“Neurons that fire together, wire together.” This is where therapists come in, to try and undo the wiring and establish healthy ones that weren’t given to us at the early stage of development. Dr. Carter’s videos have been SO insightful and helpful.

[Meeeeowowow]

Yes this one hit the nail on the head. That’s exactly what they are like. They can find bad in literally anything! Exhausting people.

[sixthsenseamelia]

I inadvertently put pain onto my children. By ignorance. Trying not to be like my own narcissistic parents. Cptsd. Depression.