Can I Forgive Someone Who Doesn’t Confess Wronging Me?

Ask Pastor John
Episode: 1039

[clairlovely]

I had a hard time understanding the difference between forgiveness and hurt. I have forgiven many but I was still hurting. I had it mixed up that I really couldn’t forgive. And so, I had to ask God to help heal the pain and restore me back to happiness.

Also, keep in mind, the Opposer will make you THINK you haven’t forgiven someone just because your feelings are hurt. We are made in the Lord’s image and we have emotions just like He does! He just don’t want us to become judgemental and neither does He want us to harbor any bitterness. Imagine being a bitter Christian ! I’m sure we all can attest to that! 😅

Keep fighting the fine fight! Love you all endlessly! ❤

[chaboi]

I do forgive those who've wronged me but some people are constant in their wrongs and unrepentant in their words and actions...I forgive but I am not a punching bag either, I just domt hang around that certain person, whenever I do come around I have no I'll will towards anyone....the problem with all this is if you stick around long enough alot of people will start wronging again and again which is why I dont stick around for long....living a private life is neccesary sometimes

[DynamicGracer]

Not forgiving someone is like drinking poison hoping the other person will get sick

[YourVerseForToday]

Our own hearts are so desperately wicked and deceitful, there will be times where we think we have been wronged but have not, and so in that situation there is no wrong apart from our own which we are blind to. How wonderful to have a God, who not only forgives the sins we confess and are aware but also the ones we have no clue about. Christ surely is our righteousness.

[servantJerubbaalgodSlayer]

I don’t need someone to say they are sorry for me to feel justified because they acknowledge what they have done. I don’t expect an apology. I always want to make sure though, if I do anything wrong that *I* apologize. I can’t control their behaviour, I can only control mine…🇨🇦

[waterbaby]

I now forgive and let go . The hurt has been a strong hold . Even though he is not sorry and takes no responsibility for what he has done to me . My reactions to sin was wrong, but I truly did love or it would not have hurt so bad . I want to see Jesus face .

[shanamotta]

❤ This was a great pod cast MJ! Thanks for sending it to me.

[johnbreitmeier]

I really am not looking for a fight, but I think this is important. I am not sure just how forgiveness got unlinked from repentance but I hear this idea quite a lot anymore and not just in Christian circles. While it is common, it seems to me to be both wrong and dangerous. Forgiveness is not about letting go of your inner bitterness or anger or hurt. It is not a catharsis. It is about cancelling a legitimate debt. It seems to me that if I forgive someone who does not acknowledge that what he or she did was wrong, that there was any debt owed, and is not asking for my forgiveness, I am in essence telling them that what they did is right and that it is okay with me if they do it to me again or to someone else. I am condoning sin and even evil. Furthermore asking me to do so is asking me to be “better” and more forgiving than God since it is my understanding that God strongly links forgiveness of our sins to being a response to our repentance from those sins. Of course what I think is hardly authoritative so let’s look at what Jesus and the apostles had to say about it.


The key passage seems to be the 70 times 7 saying of Jesus in Matthew 18:21-22 that Joe mentioned. “Then came Peter to him and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Til seven times? Jesus said unto him I say not seven times but seventy times seven.” Well at first glance there does not appear to be anything tying repentance as a precondition to forgiveness in those two verses, but that is because we are not looking at the verses in context. First Peter did not pick seven out of thin air. He is referring to a similar teaching Jesus said in Luke 17:3-4. “Take heed to yourselves; if your brother trespass against thee, rebuke (or confront) him; and IF HE REPENTS, forgive him. And if he trespass against thee seven in a day and seven times in a day turn again to you saying, I repent, you must forgive him.” Well that is pretty clear and specific. In order to receive or merit your forgiveness, the “trespasser” MUST admit his or her fault, determine to change their behavior and ASK your forgiveness just as we must repent and ask God’s forgiveness. IF they do that, THEN we must forgive them – seven times or 490 or 49, 000, but not before.


So why didn’t Jesus say it that explicitly in Matthew? Well the answer is he did. A) Peter already was referring to the teaching we just looked at in Luke and they both knew that and Jesus just upped the number to drive the point home to Peter who was being stubborn and looking for loopholes. B) If you look directly above Mat 18: 21-22 in verses 15 -18 we see Jesus had just finished explaining his teaching on the Church discipline procedures that I was referring to and which is also alluded to in the Luke passage which makes it quite clear that our forgiveness of the “trespasser” is not to be given until he admits the error of his ways, even if that means tossing him out of the church. We may view this today as harsh but it is way milder than Moses’ repeated insistence in Deuteronomy that we stone them or the Pope’s plan to burn Martin Luther at the stake for disobedience. Not doing this has caused the disorder and evil we find in our churches today. C) Jesus’ answer to Peter did not end with verse 22. He continues his answer by telling a parable in the rest of the chapter, verses 22-35, stressing the importance of forgiveness but definitely not leaving out the importance of ASKING for forgiveness. In verse 25, the king who clearly represents God does not just forgive his servant’s debt out of hand, in fact he sends out his enforcers to drag the guy in and he is about to sell the servant and his family into slavery until in verse 26 the debtor humbles himself, admits his fault, and begs mercy and a little time (not even forgiveness). Then and only then does the king wipe his debt clean. In verse 29 the first servant’s debtor begs similar mercy and is not only not forgiven but not even given the time extension he asked for. It is the failure to extend mercy AFTER repentance and after the mercy he received from the king that gets the first servant in trouble.


We see the same principle in the parable of the Prodigal Son in Luke 15:11-32, a great story of God’s forgiveness. The father never quit loving his son but we often miss that the forgiveness and restoration of that son did not occur until he came to his senses and repented and humbled himself and asked forgiveness. In verses 18-19 the prodigal says “I will arise and go to my father and will say unto him, Father I have sinned against heaven and before, and I am not worthy to be called your son. Make me as one of your hired men.” Then and only then does he receive mercy. The Father did not chase him down and drag him back while he was being a jackass; He waited until he was repentant to restore him.
Someone brought up Luke 23:24 where Jesus says from the cross “Father forgive them for they know not what they do, ” but this is a special case and clearly refers when you look at the surrounding verses directly to the Roman soldiers who were crucifying Him and quite literally had no guilt because they literally did not know what they were doing. As Gentiles they had no reason to know that they were killing God; they were just doing their duty as soldiers. You cannot repent what you do not know is wrong in the first place.


Since our forgiveness of others is supposed to be a mirror to the world of how God forgives us, if we make a practice of forgiving the unrepentant, who deliberately wrong us, we teach the world that there is no need to repent in order to receive forgiveness –either ours or God’s. This is very bad doctrine and leads to “easy believe” salvation which does not work. John in 1John 1:8-10 says “If we say we have no sin (are unrepentant) we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins (repent), He is faithful to and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say we have not sinned (do not repent), we make Him a liar and His word is not in us.“


Repentance is a vitally important part of God’s plan of salvation through faith in Jesus as Lord, God, Savior and Sacrifice. Without it there is no salvation. John the Baptist yelled Repent til he lost his head. Jesus’ teaching was the same. Mat 4:17, Mark 1:15, and Luke 13:3-5 – “Except you repent, you shall all perish.” There is no blanket forgiveness without repentance. In Luke 24:46-47 the resurrected Jesus says as he is giving last instructions before ascending into heaven: “Thus it is written and thus it behoved Messiah to suffer, and to rise from the dead the third day; and that repentance and remission of sins (Forgiveness) be preached among all the nations.” Peter carries on the message of repentance as necessary for receiving forgiveness in Acts 2:38 at Pentecost “Repent …for the remission of sins.” In the Temple Acts 3:19 “Repent ye therefore and be converted, that your sins be blotted out (Forgiven).” To Simon Magus in Acts 8:22 “Repent therefore of your wickedness and pray God if PERHAPS the thought of your heart may be forgiven you.” Jesus, John the Baptist, John the apostle, and Peter thought this repenting stuff was awful important. Maybe we should too.


John (not the apostle or Baptist)

[Joey-iygx]

Commenting just based on the title and have not listened yet. "I can do all things though Christ, who strengthens me" (Phillipians 4:13)

[karn]

God is a just judge. Someone can act dumb all they want, but god will make justice to them giving them the punishment they deserve.

[duckbird]

Aloha,

I have read so many of these comments, I think some clarification is needed.

A lot of great points here.

Rather than share my past pains, where so many have wronged me. I will say, that I have been the victim too many times, by people I love.

Instead, what I will share is very simple.

This is what I have said to those that hurt me...

"I have chosen to forgive, freeing myself from the role of your accuser, and freeing you from the sins against me."

However, my forgiveness doesn't guarantee anything.

You still face a choice.

God teaches us through experience.

That's the essence of free choice—it leads us to choose our path.

But what is the choice?

God's way or our own best guess.

I pray you get Jesus in your life, and find your way to heaven, where all pain is washed away.

Freeing myself from the role of accuser, is extremely healing, enough to transcend all the pain, all the suffering.

Also, I am blessed in all things, without a thought of who or how I have been hurt, the peace of mind is priceless.

Best wishes to all.

[sonofjesus]

This is very hard. Because I actually live with someone who is not sorry for what they did and still doing it. It got so bad this person chose to avoid me. To be honest I really could care less but I do want to make sure I am secure with GOD in forgiving them yet still have boundaries. I will not allow them to keep crossing it let alone their deliberate effort to cross it without any conviction

[Michael_Morehead]

Dear God, in times where I am at a crossroad in my life, I ask that you will give me the counsel that will help me make the right decision. I do not desire to go in the way that is not pleasing to you, Lord. In Jesus' name, I pray. Amen Shalom.⚠️💯🚦💤🚭✅

[AnnoyingMoose]

I have often said that allowing me to marry my dream girl was proof that God loves me. The proof that God wants to miraculously transform me into the likeness of His Son is that my wife's mother also came into my life as part of the deal.

[angelique]

I have forgiven an unrepentant relative. But they remain in denial. I avoid them.

[mesisson]

Jesus' words were as a minister of the old covenant. He revealed our inability and need for a savior. The cross inaugurated the new covenant, and changed everything. "Forgive one another, as God, in Christ, HAS forgiven you".

[canadamama]

My question from this is: what does that forgiveness looks like? Gods forgiveness of us results in undeserved trust and relationship with him. If we are asked to forgive AS he forgives us, should that then result in a repaired relationship and trust? I feel that some people use boundaries as a disguise for unforgiveness, and on the flip side they DON’T set boundaries when there should be healthy boundaries in place. How can we make our forgiveness look like Gods forgiveness of us?

[carmelaheyrosa]

How to deal with people in church who keeps on wronging you but doesn't admit their mistakes? The debtor in the bible story admitted their mistake, but it's a real struggle when the debtor doesn't admit their mistake and justifying themselves... 😢

[jenniecosio]

Yes. I have for give but he doesn't care because God bless us all the time AMEN

[candicec]

I have a bit of a dilemma. I have a neighbor who, several years ago, I spent lots of time sharing Christ with her. I believed she had converted after a few months of that. She went to her church and bible study. I didn't just hang out with her as I had a busy life and not interested in socializing much the way she and her husband tend to do which involves lots of drinking, gossip and gross humor. She later said to me that she totally believes in karma and made reference to the circle of life stuff, etc. At that point, I just wasn't up for informing her again of the error of her beliefs. My heart was mostly in the mode of "let her believe whatever she wants. Lord, she's yours". She and her husband have had us to dinner a few times, but I always feel uncomfortable as she berates her husband in front of other people, is toxic and negative and broadcasts her pain to anyone who will listen, has hatred to her mother and sister, etc. I've counseled her that her expectations of others may be too high and other ways of helping her like reading the Word, trusting God, etc.. My husband and I were invited recently to dinner, and we keep turning them down. My husband wants to go. I don't. I'm just done with all of it. I forgive her, but no words like those expressed Matthew 18:15-17 would work I believe. She is fragile and would crumble. I'm not in her church. She's offensive to most people. I guess I am concerned I'm not forgiving her. Its more a matter of not wanting to stumble in her presence and not feed into her extreme drama. It's not healthy or fruitful. I know I would help her if she had a real need that arose. But, she just wants to cry and vomit on others. Am I forgiving?