Why Is Everyone So Emotionally Detached? - David Brooks

David Brooks is a columnist for The New York Times, a commentator, and an author.

We’re often told to control our emotions, but is that actually what we want? Or do we want to be confident enough to feel them fully? Instead of becoming too detached, how can we reconnect with our feelings and embrace life more fully?

Expect to learn why men have been conditioned to be so emotionally cut-off, why being stoic or aloof is perceived to be attractive, why so many people are repressed, how to accurately see people and make them feel comfortable, how to open up without triggering your fear, how to improve the energy you enter a room with and much more…

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00:00 We Are Ignoring Our Emotions
05:34 Emotions Allow Us to Experience Life
11:09 The Vulnerability of Being Open
16:16 How to Balance Rationality & Emotion
21:11 Society’s Lack of Earnestness
24:17 Reacting to Sean Strickland & Theo Von
27:40 Seeing Each Other More Deeply
33:48 How to Be Comfortable With Feelings
41:42 The Powerful Use of Silence
44:44 How to Notice People Who Are Down
49:06 The Bravery of Being Open
52:26 How to End a Conversation Better
57:43 Questions to Make a Conversation Deeper
1:00:59 Where to Find David Brooks

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Get in touch in the comments below or head to...

[ChrisWillx]

00:00 We Are Ignoring Our Emotions
05:34 Emotions Allow Us to Experience Life
11:09 The Vulnerability of Being Open
16:16 How to Balance Rationality & Emotion
21:11 Society’s Lack of Earnestness
24:17 Reacting to Sean Strickland & Theo Von
27:40 Seeing Each Other More Deeply
33:48 How to Be Comfortable With Feelings
41:42 The Powerful Use of Silence
44:44 How to Notice People Who Are Down
49:06 The Bravery of Being Open
52:26 How to End a Conversation Better
57:43 Questions to Make a Conversation Deeper
1:00:59 Where to Find David Brooks

[RavenTD]

My wife walked out after I lost my job, and my dad had texted me he had terminal cancer. My heart became rock.

[vagabondcaleb]

"If you see the world objectively, people will be objective. If you see the world critically, people will feel judged, and you'll see judgment. You'll see flaw. But if you see the world humanely, you'll see people doing the best they can in difficult circumstances. So the way you cast attention determines what you see."

[Fowlweather]

My Mom went through stage 4 non Hodgkins Lymphoma in 2008. Went through chemo, lost her hair. She and Dad would go to church, and people would come up to them. Many times, they would ignore mom, work their way around the side of Dad, and ask Dad how Mom was doing. She said, I can hear them asking and it annoys the heck out of me they don't ask me directly. She felt lost about it and told my Dad how she felt. Dad had a friend he grew up with as kids who was battling cancer, and he realized he was doing the same to his friend. He drove to see his childhood friend the next day and told her that story and he felt sorry he was ignoring her. They talked for a few hours, and she died 2 weeks later. Mom is doing well. Cancer free, 84 now and doing good.

[JohnSmith-wixo]

As a young man, being emotionally detached seems like the most sensible way to be because everyone is so cold and unfriendly. People constantly say they’re there for you and to reach out when you need help, but the few times I have have either caused the relationship to never be the same or they cut me off because they see me as weak/useless/uncool. We live in a very cold world. No one cares about you.

[ifstatementifstatement]

Usually the “not giving a fuck phase” comes after you’ve been fucked over and over.

[henrythegreatamerican]

Before watching this video, I can list a few things that makes me feel emotionally detached:
1. Everything nowadays is taken to the extreme. A good example are all the videos labeled as "stunning" or "shocking." Eventually you become desensitized and might not treat something that is really shocking with the attention it deserves.
2. Most of our political leaders are terrible people. They turn everything into simplified good or bad, left or right issues while ignoring all the nuances because it's easier to fit stupid simple explanations into bumper sticker slogans. So you end up on either side of the spectrum. Either you hate something or love it, and this emotionally burns us out.
3. We no longer "get out" in the real world and deal with a variety of people. This detaches us from the real world and the feelings of regular people
4. Our economic system treats us as stats rather than real people. I always hear discussions about GDP, CPI, quarterly earnings reports, etc.... I rarely see the media translate this into real people. We need more "people reports" to go along with all the economic reports.

[bryantvargas]

I think the crisis of men is particularly sad because I’m sure a lot of us have tried. We’ve tried to build a relationships. We’ve tried to improve our finances. Yet all we have to show for it is lives devoid of meaningful connections and purpose. We’re viewed as disposable and worthless so it’s no surprise there’s an epidemic of young men that have decided to disconnect from society.

[kylejones]

I’ve watched many of Chris’s podcasts since discovering him, like a lot of you here. I have to say this episode impacted me the most, it triggered some emotions that I’ve pushed deep down inside me. Trying to work my job today while holding back tears throughout. I’ve come home and I’m currently re listening to it again while writing down issues that connect with me. Although this is deeply uncomfortable for me, this where true growth happens and I learn to connect and understand myself better. This will benefit me undoubtably in the future. “The magic we seek is in the work we are avoiding.” Wherever you are on your journey of self development you’re not alone. Thank you Chris.

[Kuksan]

Before listening to the pod - I've already noticed in my everyday experience that many people (who also happened to be emotionally detached) were emotionally neglected in their childhood. In my case it was by a narcissistic family that always got mad at me when I had real needs that a child has but my needs got in the way of their needs for self esteem, respect within the community, etc. So they taught me that my needs and emotions don't matter and I'm bad for having them, so I grew up thinking emotions are useless why even have them. Even worse - I treated them as a source of discomfort and bad outcomes. I notice this in many of my peers too (20s-early 30s).

[andrebaxter]

Stoicism isn’t about being aloof and not engaging with people. Having feelings is great. The key is not lose control.

[shaneking]

I find that people are so quick to tell you what they dislike thinking that will telegraph their personality, which they would love you to see, but that only hides it further. People dont want to tell you what they specifically love. They feel it shows vulnerability. People will always tell you if they hate somthing eg: coriander. But rarely will someone randomly tell you for eg: "You know what, I really love the colour orange!"

I've eventually arrived at the point where I trust people more if they tell me what they love more often than they tell me what they dislike.

[ianidas]

Learning that you’ve been emotionally resistant thinking that you’ve been emotionally resilient is one of the most devastating but important moments any person faces.

[matthewdecordova]

Just started the video and David Brooks mentioned singing a song to a stranger while looking into their eyes. It reminded me of my childhood and intentional, emotional connection.

I was in a professional boys choir that went on concert tours, performed at symphonies and for heads of state. For one song, called ‘Dream a Dream’, we would leave the stage midway through the song, each find a stranger in the audience, take their hand, look them in the eyes and sing the rest of the song to them. There would always be initial discomfort for the audience member, especially adult males, but they would eventually succumb and accept the connection sort of speak.

I performed that song as a chorister for about 4 years and always intentionally selected a female, maybe due to intimidation and my own insecurities, until my final time singing the song. It was the last performance on my last concert tour as a chorister (was retiring/“voicing out”), and I intentionally selected an adult male - he bawled. I was just 15 years old but it was sort of like a lightbulb moment that men indeed need connection as well, and you just never really know what someone is experiencing and the impact a small gesture can make.

[albertlevins]

Very interesting comment section today.

As for the emotions, I never had a problem feeling my emotions.
I had a problem dealing with them.

Learning to focus.

I still can't find someone to talk to about how I really feel. Those people cost money.

So the internet becomes my proxy therapist. I throw my ideas out there, and if I am dramatically stupid or wrong, people set me straight.

That seems to work.

[Nah-ah]

I’m so grateful that I surround myself with people who still talk to each other. I start talking to people in waiting rooms, queues, of course if they’re receptive enough! Most of the time they are and we have a good time! Amazing interview as always, Chris. Thanks for bringing David on! ✌🏽

[adamkeresztes]

Until this point I always listened to your podcasts with a selection. I looked for James, Goggins etc. and now this interview pops up and realized that you’re not only great at hosting but truly finding great minds. You inspire and help through your content!

[flowmovementtherapy]

Same kind of British-style upbringing here, Chris. Emotions? Let's make a joke about it and move on. Uncomfortable situation? Let's get out of it as fast as possible. Kids are expected to either be quiet or already know how to manage their emotions. It's taken 15 years of steady daily work to uncover all the dark aspects of my inner world. And I'm so much better for it. Very interesting how the Queen's choice of how to show up in the world has a massive impact of people's views on vulnerability and emotional honesty. How do my ancestors show up? Scottish clearances, Irish potato famine and persecution meant moving to a new continent sight unseen. Lack of autonomy and options for women meant really sad, challenging choices by my female ancestors. Yes, it all comes home to roost, unless you face it and unpack it.

[woventheweird]

Chris, your humanity really shone through on this one. We all want to be better, don't forget to just "be".

[npkrn]

Funerals don't give closure. The truth is...very rarely in life will you get closure. Its a BS term made up to make sense of the nonsensical; and grieving, in many ways, is nonsensical. There is no quick fix. Ask anyone who has lost someone...and I mean lost someone who they loved more than their own life - someone who was visibly devastated at a funeral or memorial service - someone like me who lost my Dad suddenly and in a shocking way. 3 days after when the funeral was held (when many Western Christians hold services) I was so destroyed and in shock and discheveled looking that on top of my sadness, it was humiliating too. Everyone staring at me. I had never had a time in my adult life up until then where I couldn't contain my emotions, until then. Did that whole "show" give me closure?? HELL NO! If anything, it made it worse. Closure is something only time will help, not some human made-up ritual like a memorial service. 22 years later and I still feel his loss. Everyday.

I realize this video is about the disconnection of feelings, and I most certainly DON'T have that problem...but I am interested in those who DO have this problem. I wonder if it is a protection mechanism, something the brain does subconsciously- akin to the physiological shock state which, fir a time, cancels out physical pain? 🤔 Are some people's brains able to react in the same way to emotional pain? It would seem so.

But my question is... is that an automatic response or external conditioning from what many of us are taught - to be stoic and to "get over things" rapidly. As in my example of my Father's funeral. Even then in my altered state - I remember thinking having to dress up and be in public and see people and have my raw grief on display was nothing short of traumatic. At least for me, I'm not exaggerating. Anyone who saw me that day would back that up.

I think its a worthy area to research - again, as in the example of a memorial service/funeral - what makes some people feel better or gain "closure" through that ritual, and what is it in others of us who only feel worse? But applied to anything emotional- what makes some of more detached, and what makes some of us more affected by emotionality? And why do some shut down and more closed off to others? And why do some of us come out of something devastating feeling MORE emotional, and perhaps empathetic towards other's suffering.
Fascinating subject matter that again, is definitely worthy of more discussion and research.

Just to comment on a later point made in the video about 3/4 through...I think all these current messages to not care what others think of us is only further detaching everyone. We humans are biologically social beings. To be successful at relationships, we have to care. We have to be aware and have empathy. We have to be cautiously vulnerable. Anyone who doesn't behave this way or who is shut down completely will not have healthy relationships; not with others, or, I'd argue - not with ourselves either.