Don't Settle for a Compliment

Generally speaking, I don’t give compliments. That might sound harsh, but there’s care behind this statement. Compliments, positive though they may be, are another form of judgment and evaluation. If your goal is to more fully connect with another person, here I offer an alternative to giving compliments for when you want to show your appreciation for how someone else has shown up in your life.

This is an excerpt from my free weekly Q&A coaching call, Conversations from the Heart, and you're welcome to join us on Wednesdays at 10am CT via Zoom.

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Dr. Yvette Erasmus is a psychologist, teacher, and consultant who specializes in transformative education for human healing and growth, helping people embrace differences while staying grounded in their fundamental unity.

[nicholasmitchell]

Love this. It reminds me of what Marshall shared. "Never encourage comparative thinking"

[Dee-cuyr]

Omg I found why I hate compliments.. thanks so much

[CG-wrno]

Interestingly enough every guy I dated, when I gave them a genuine compliment of either appreciation for what they did or just how they were felt uncomfortable for the reason of not wanting to be out to that standard. so it felt pressuring or they'd reject it because they didn't always see themselves as that. And I also know how that feels sometimes too when I think we'll I hope they won't always now judge me to be this way or not accept me when I'm not expressing this virtue or deed. When I began saying how I feel when they do X then they were calm and observing and said something along the lines of well I'm glad it makes you feel good. Huge difference. also after learning this it doesn't feel right because it feels like the reward punish game, no matter the intention.

I'd love to hear you speak on intentions. my view is that good intentions don't make what someone does or says okay like a free pass. And that often good intentions come with a lack of awareness. in my experience it's the most often said thing ("it wasn't my intention to hurt you.") and they see it as I don't have to change what I do moving forward because if my intentions are good it doesn't really matter what I do or say. I find people use it as a get out jail card or a "not applicable to me" line. I sort of envision this hands up in the air "I didn't do it " vibe.

[KMRAND]

How about…. I think your hair is really pretty…. Why would this be wrong…. Saying something nice to someone could turn their entire day around. Not giving something that’s free for the giving is selfish.