Should You Settle In Your Love Life? | Matthew Hussey

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For years, when I’d sign copies of my book, Get the Guy, my inscription would include the words: “Never settle.”

This came from a good place. I wanted—and still want—to help people reject bad behavior and find a secure, loving relationship.

But as I’ve gotten older and hopefully a little wiser . . . I’ve come to find new meaning in the word “settling.”

You see, these days we’re inundated with an overwhelming amount of choice in nearly every area, and this overstimulation prevents us from even recognizing the most worthwhile things that may enter our lives as we fall deeper into perpetual dissatisfaction.

In our dating lives, this means most of us disqualify any person who doesn’t meet all of our “requirements,” as it just feels easier to place our hope in whatever we believe could be waiting around the corner.

But as you’ll learn in this video, “settling” in life is in fact important for our happiness—a concept beautifully explained by Oliver Burkeman in his book Four Thousand Weeks.

Rather than settling for someone, we should be settling on someone.

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[NA]

Exactly!! The perfect relationship is not one you find, it's one you build with someone who shares your core values and beliefs<3

[K_Queen]

Your content should be played in junior high + high school + college. This stuff needs to be engrained early so that people can develop healthy mindsets when it comes to dating/choosing. This stuff is for people who truly want to be and or seek authentic connection. Thanks for your videos. They’re superb

[pjo]

The show "The Good Place" came to mind when I watched this. There's such a simple moment where two of the characters are talking about soulmates. One the characters says, "If soulmates do exist, they aren't found, they're MADE. People meet, they get a good feeling, and then get to work building a relationship."
Thanks, Matt, for another reminder of what's important to focus on.

[clarel]

Agree. I met a man online and he cracked me up with his amazing sense of humor. I was hooked! It took me a while to get over the fact that he was shorter and less handsome than I wanted. But the physical chemistry was amazing and I fell in love hard!! Still praying for a happy ending for us. Pray that it happens!

[MABO]

None of the men I was in relationship with during my 20s felt like I was good enough to be “the one” for them. They were always looking for greener pastures. Now I’m in my late 30s and very traumatized with rejection, shame and verbal abuse I don’t even have the emotional strength to get into another relationship. Dating Websites are torture because they don’t offer an organic or gentle process of meeting someone . You are literally a commodity on these sites, constantly under scrutiny and evaluation. I have had enough of that to last lifetimes.

[huwinner]

As a man I really enjoy watching your videos. Even when they’re oriented towards women it helps me understand how they’re prospective and feelings in dating. I especially liked this video because it really is excellent advice for men as well. I feel like most relationship channels for men are toxic and focus too much on being an alpha male. I love your approach of kindness, compassion, and empathy towards both others and yourself. Keep up the great work :)

[rachels]

I struggle so much with this. I married someone because they had great qualities and were a good person. I realized after a few months of living together just how different we were and how many of my needs weren’t being met. We tried to work on things but we just fundamentally were not right together. I now worry that the same thing will happen, so I’m extra diligent when dating and it’s almost like I focus on what I don’t want, and if they have any of those things, they’re out. I’m realizing that everyone has something about them that I don’t like, so finding the things I can live with is the hard part. I keep expecting that when I find the “right” person, those things that bothered me about everyone else won’t bother me.

[dianepopnick]

I never settled for anything in my life. Certainly would never settle in the dating world. I am happy staying single.

[christinegeltner]

Matt :
You've finally crossed the line. You are now into sheer brilliance. As a fellow Brit, I felt so proud of you, as your words mixed and blended into my Sunday morning. Words to learn. To live by. To injest, and to invest in. And to become a part of our wisdom. Thank you. You grow wiser every day. And, thus, so do we.

[dancingappaloosa]

I don't always agree with you, but you are 100% spot on with this one. It is one of the biggest tragedies of modern life, I think, that people are so quick to judge and so quick to dismiss, that their tolerance for that awkward phase which we have to pass through in order to reach love and intimacy with a person is so low.

[theundone]

My core requirements are kindness, integrity (and follow-through), a generally calm demeanor (not angry) and open communications.
As difficult as they are to find, I just can't imagine giving these requirements up.

[sharonnorton-marshall]

Matthew your heart centred radical approach now mirrors my own. Investing and being curious takes time; patience and dedication. People have so many challenges and variables; emotions. Its really not as easy as meeting and picking and expecting that person to be right for us. Accepting, growing, discovering is real relationship. Exploring what is going on for that person and being understanding and compassionate - being a safe zone for someone. That is relating - relationship. Thankyou as always.

[zacharyhughes]

This is a very truthful video to its core. I met my girlfriend with some varying differences although our core values intact. We couldn’t be happier, I get to truly be myself and a better version of myself.

[kel]

It’s easy to fall for someone ; sensible to be selective!
The right person will be ‘balanced’.

It’s fun to date, It’s good to be ‘selective’.

Don’t waste your time with anyone that isn’t compatible.
Time spent on the wrong person, is time lost for meeting the right person.

Single is sensible! ; Until you find someone aligned with your values. ❤️

[jazzyj]

Settle for someone, because someone has to settle for you!

[chumbanga]

Well said and the world we live in is so bombarded with nonsense that people really feel like they are missing out. Find someone who you have things in common with similar vantage points and make the life you want. It’s not always going to be wrapped in the packaging you like but once you start really seeing the person in front of your instead of just looking at them you may be shockingly surprised. 🙂 what we’re looking for is usually way closer than we think.

[nephthaliecareen]

We really are a generation that looks to have the "perfect" package from the beginning. Our mindsets are not constructed to "build" relationships, careers, etc. It was a great reminder that anyone/anything can be "IT" but only if we are willing to make it so.

[judyhaupt]

Thank you Matt. Looking for perfection is impossible if you are not willing to do the work. John Lennon says it so well " There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. '

[IEVAKambarovaite]

That's so so true.. we may look at someone who is incredibly good at someone and we think they're *just naturally good at that* forgetting hours and hours of work it took to get there.
Same as looking at two people that seem to be made for each other forgetting that it took them decades to get there *working together day and day as a team to build that relationship.*

[yummdiddy]

Most people are not settling, they are getting exactly what they deserve, but their ego won’t accept it. If you only ever get 5s, it’s probably because only 5s are attracted to you, because you’re a 5. Also, when you get into a relationship, stay off social media. You’re going to just sit around composing your life to the life of people that only show the wins.