5 Signs Your Boundaries Are Too Rigid

[chrleliu]

Cutting someone off is ok if you don’t feel they are worth the work. We only have time for relationships that are worth fighting for.

[speculative]

I know YouTube can seem like a grind at times due to the pace at which videos must be posted to keep the algorithm happy, but I have found each of your videos to be informative and helpful. Thank you.

[jimmysroom]

"Setting boundaries only after having them violated repeatedly and having suppressed them for a long time". Yep. Pretty much gotta change that.

[rururujii]

Saying "thank you" wouldn't be enough to say for helping me navigate my feelings more effectively, Heidi. I appreciate all the hard work you put through all your videos.

[leroyal]

Lol 4/4 for too rigid of boundaries plus have cut people off/heavily encouraged a friend group cut somebody out as punishment for their behavior. This video really just hammered home so many things I've been thinking a lot about as I've wound up alone and with boundaries keeping me from experiencing the fullness of life.

[bill]

Thank you. I needed this confirmation. I feel like I'm going in the right direction with keeping my boundaries and having a backbone. I've been able to walk away from a gaslighting narcissistic family member easier. It feels good not to feel bad about it either.

[Paraphernelia]

I started having a really intense reaction to what you were saying in the final 3-4 minutes of this video. I’ve worked for a few years in healing my insecure attachment style but in my most recent connection with someone I realized I wasn’t as far along my journey as I thought I was. Boundaries and vulnerability are still so difficult for me but so necessary in helping me feel safe and emotionally regulated. I just continue to struggle to find the strength to speak up about how someone else’s actions make me feel. I guess I’m afraid that they will react badly and reject but I just have to remind myself that I can only control my behavior so I can’t wait around for people to just magically know what my boundaries are without telling them. And then it’s in their hands if they will choose to respect them and work with me towards harmony or not.

[MonicaGunderson]

The way I word it is, "Boundaries are what I am and am not comfortable with doing." I am immunocompromised (get sick easily from cold, flu, covid. Could be easily hospitalized, ICU, or death), and have certian boundaries to help me keep me mentally and physically safe and healthy; mentally and physically. I worked with my therapist and doctor since they know about my autoimmune disease, Ankylosing Spondylitis and what it means to be immunocompromised.

I had friends who disagreed with my boundaries, because they rather I have no boundaries at all, and pretend I don't have an autoimmune disease or immunocompromised during covid pandemic.

I ended up going no contact with those who were disrespectful about my boundaries, or tried to tell me I don't have an autoimmune disease or immunocompromised, even though I have been medically diagnosed, and take immunosuppressant medication. Or they continued to push boundaries.... And as you mentioned.... They pushed and pushed until I snapped and went no contact. Although, I did ask them to stop. I did mention what they were doing was triggering. I provided my boundaries and worded it as, "This is what I am comfortable with doing...." Yet, I was met with, "I don't understand your boundaries from some.... Even though I felt like I explained till I was blue in the face, and rewrote them down to 6th grade reading level.

My boundaries consists of visiting outdoors if someone isn't vaccinated (I live in California). Reschedule visit if they are sick or have a cold. Call or text, don't drop by announced. I won't visit those who are sick or have a cold. I eat at outdoor restaurants only. I don't go to large crowded indoor events. I wear my mask indoors (grocery store, shopping, riding the bus), I don't make people wear masks, if they choose to wear their mask, that is fine. I will wear mine. At crowded outdoor events, I also wear my mask. I don't ride the airplane or train yet, as I'm still working on my anxiety. I also have a no unsolicited advice, ask first. If I say no, please don't keep pushing it. I want a friendship, not another doctor, therapist, physical therapist,

Over the course of the past few years, my friend circle has gotten smaller, but tighter relationships and friendships. Some days are still hard, because I have always had boundaries, but following up with the consequences and sticking to It's sometimes so hard.... But I am working on myself everyday. I know I am imperfect, and make mistakes, yet I will continue to work on myself to be better for myself and others.

[Dd]

Also, the part about punishing resonates so deeply with the impacts of bad parenting. If you learned that the only way to resolve a disagreement or misunderstanding is punishment, look no further than the parent you had who's solution to most problems was control, not understanding or empathy. The underlying message is "ill teach this kid about respect!" - when as terry real says youre really just a 6 foot tall giant imposing yourself on an underdeveloped child with limited resources. Youre basically breaking their amygdala so they are stuck in a fear state. Sue Johnson talks about whispering to the amygdala...but the resson she needs to whisper is because the amygdala was so damaged in childhood.

[Healingflower_]

Im crying, tears of relief. Thank you Heidi for these incredible insights.

[pavithramelpal]

Everyone's gonna annoy us some or the other day. People are not perfect and do not fit into my idea of perfection. No doubt setting boundaries could help short term, but if we are thinking about long term, I feel we need to be skilled at conflict resolution. Otherwise, we will have to distance everyone in our life.
And most importantly working on our own shortcomings, so that we can make our triggers less triggerable and thereby keep expanding our boundaries. That's the way I feel we evolve.
Cool video btw Heidi 😄🙏🏾

[marieb]

Not addressed in the video: the people you need to set rigid boundaries for are the same people who consistently broke your less rigid boundaries, and will eventually break your rigid ones. This usually happens with family members, because families are highly dysfunctional systems where boundaries are extremely difficult to enforce. This is why many people cut off family members; it's the last resort and the only boundary they'll understand and respect.

[ArienDrakon]

Ok lots of things for me to chew on thanks! Also this made me realize consciously that I have anxiety around making others uncomfortable when I open up. Really it's fear of rejection that I want to dress up as: person A said xyz because they aren't comfortable with my vulnerability. When in reality it's me that needs to check in with myself. I think being honest with myself and others that I struggle with that is a great step though.

[zion]

Looking forward to the next video. I really need help with my boundaries.

[MASTAFLY]

Heidi, wow this video resonated for me especially at the 13 minute mark until the end. I’m a 28 year old male that recently got out of a relationship where we were both insecure. Myself being dismissive avoidant and her being anxious, mind you this is the first time in my life I’ve actually started to research this and get in touch with myself on this level. I’ve learned so much and related to understanding how each of our dynamics affected our relationship and each intricate interaction. I’ve been watching a lot of your videos as well as just researching attachment styles/boundaries to really get to the root of how I am. For the first time in my life I’ve embraced being vulnerable and sharing with my close friends the things on my mind, I’ve also started seeing a therapist and want to overcome my bad habits one day at a time. Thank you for offering your perspective and sharing your story to help others like myself!

[BenCassani]

Summary
0:00
01:37 #1 You boundaries are making you feel dead inside
05:45 #2 You frequently 'go back on' or fail to reinforce your boundaries
09:09 #3 You would rather cut someone out than be honest and direct with them.
15:13 #4 You most often use boundaries as a form of punishment
18:18 #5 Setting boundaries all or setting nothing at all.

- Boundaries need to be adjusted based on the relationship they pertain to the appropriate boundary is the one that allows you to stay present and engaged with your own life
- Boundaries are not about keeping people or things out but are about keeping our full selves intact within
- The first sign that your boundaries have become too rigid is if they impede your ability to express yourself authentically
- Setting healthy boundaries is important to avoid lingering resentment and simmering anger in relationships.
----

Very useful and informative. I like!
This is Gold! Heidi many thanks !

[cdgarcia]

Great topic. This is a vid I thought wasn’t necessary until I listened in. Def going to listen over a few times and take notes

[ryancowell]

omg this video was friggen FIRE. I tried to do a panel on Boundaries earlier this year and am DEFINITELY going to site this video when I'm bringing up Rigid Boundaries. The concept was first introduced to me with Dr. Faith Harper's "UnF*ck your Boundaries" and this video PERFECTLY illustrated a really nuanced point. I loved THIS! I cannot wait for the next video about when to show up and make boundaries!

Awesome, Awesome, AWESOME points, thank you so much for sharing these!

[etharsanhory]

Talk about rejection sensitivity please, you put the ideas in a digestible, relatable and easy way

[finch]

Tfw me

Finding the middle ground is so hard when you've had no parental guidance.

Also I've started sitting with my emotions etc but I've noticed when I revisit trauma I just start yawning and the emotion goes away and I'm not sure if it's my body releasing it or it's just like "lol new supression method, who dis"