The RIGHT Way To Speak To Your Spouse (Marriage Saving Advice)

What’s up YouTube, I’m Brad Browning and you’re tuned in to my latest marriage-saving advice video… which, this time around, is going to share one very simple, very effective tip that you can apply right now to dramatically improve the health of your marriage. In fact, this tip is something that any married person should be using, and it’s also something you probably won’t have thought about before now. It’s also something that applies to all relationships, not just marriages, so you can benefit from this tip even if you’re not actually married.

Now, in any romantic relationship, there’s always going to be situations where one partner is upset or unhappy about something their spouse has said or done. Complaints, if you will. This is natural and unavoidable… BUT, what is within your control is HOW you bring these complaints up with your partner. This is where a lot of people go wrong.

Let me give you a few common examples that you might have said to your spouse from time to time…

“You never do any laundry! I wish you could just wash your own clothes for once.”

“Why can’t you ever show up on time? You’re always late when we’re meeting our friends.”

“You ALWAYS spend too much on Christmas gifts! Why can’t you ever control your spending??”

“I hate how you always make me pick up the kids from school!”

...and I could come up with countless other similar examples, as I’m sure can you. These are typical, every day type grievances that most of us have said to our spouse from time to time in the past.

Now, here’s the question… what’s wrong with those examples I just gave? What’s the one thing that they all have in common?

If you said “they’re all hyperbolic and exaggerated,” then you win the grand prize… that’s exactly what all of the examples I just mentioned have in common. They use what’s called IMPRECISE LANGUAGE… they’re over-the-top exaggerations.

Let’s go back to the first example for a second… imagine, from your spouse’s perspective, hearing “You never do any of your own laundry!”. Is that actually true? I doubt it… I bet they actually put on a load of laundry once in a while, even if it’s only when you mention it. So, in essence, your statement is not actually true. It’s an exaggeration. This type of thing is human nature for most of us… when emotions are running high, we often use this type of over-the-top “imprecise language” to share our concerns.

Now, there’s a few problems with this type of exaggerated statement. Firstly, it’s just downright untrue… your spouse has probably done laundry every now and then in the past, just not as often as you’d like them to. This makes your statement factually incorrect, but also comes across as condescending and righteous.

Secondly, it’s far too easy for your spouse to refute this accusation… after all, they only need to come up with one example of a time they did laundry in order to prove your statement wrong. When it’s that easy to give you an example to prove you wrong, that’s going to be your spouse’s natural reaction to this sort of hyperbolic accusation. After all, technically you are wrong, so you’re just giving your spouse an easy way to argue the point effectively.

BUT… the reality is, you may have a very valid complaint, and your spouse may not be doing their fair share of the laundry. And there’s no question you have a right to ask your partner to change their behaviour and help out with the laundry duties more often. The key is to use PRECISE language when phrasing your concerns to your spouse.

Let’s take a quick look back at the original examples I gave earlier in the video, and come up with a way to re-phrase each complaint in more PRECISE language… doing so is going to make your concern much less confrontational sounding to your spouse, and it’s also going to generate a better response and be more likely to actually affect change in your partner’s behaviour.

So instead of saying, “you never do any laundry! I wish you could just wash your own clothes for once,” you could say, “It’s frustrating when I have to do more than my fair share of the laundry… can you please help out by putting on a load of laundry a few times per week?”

And instead of saying, “Why can’t you ever show up on time? You’re always late when we’re meeting our friends,” you could go with, “I think our friends get frustrated when we show up late. Let’s both make a more concerted effort to arrive on time in future.”

*** More from Brad Browning:

[H.K.Firebelly]

The other key difference between the "bad" examples and the "good" examples is that in the good examples, you are asking for a measurable action that your spouse can take rather than JUST complaining about something. I think that's key. Focus on asking for what you want rather than complaining about what you don't want.

[hotmamavc]

Ty for explanation and giving such a advice positive how to talk to ur spouse

[garyzornow]

My issue is not only difficult discussions but every day topics. I fear initiating conversations, so I don’t. I wait to respond when asked, and in fewest words as possible so not to stir the pot.

[madeshdhone]

@Brad Browning  I finished 30 days no contact.still I didn't get any reply from her.she is engaged with another.Her marriage is 7th february.what should i do?

[tyleroliver]

We have been together for 9 years engaged and we have never had a fight but deep down im scared it’s a ticking time bomb. It’s very hard to get her to talk about anything.

[valindabalcarzar]

Thank you for creating this YouTube video. Because, as a wife-life is easier when I can learn how to communicate with my husband effectively and peacefully.

[cristancarbonell]

@Brad Browning quick question! What if we had closure already and ended things in a good way. Is “No contact” the best idea or move on? Btw I purchased The ex factor guide!

[samihasamin]

Hi Brad, how do I respond when my husband is rude to me? Like when he speaks to me in a disrespectful manner? My instinct is to shut down.

[enourmous]

@Brad Brawning Ive already pleased her and then i saw your videos and started the no contact rule, i can see her for 1 day a week just because we are working on the same place, Ive done the contact rule just for 2 days and she started posting instagram stories like how she felt in love with a guy that doesn't have any feelings quotes like this, what should i do ? should i message her something and then start the no contact rule again or what ? Hope u reply

[shaedevereaux-bush]

What do you do when you try to phrase everything precisely and ask for help, aren't listened to except for rarely, and have to resort to the accusatory language because they're listening to you asking for help, but not actually hearing it? My husband and I have been together for 4 years. We have an almost 2 year old daughter. I'm the stay at home parent. I also suffer from ptsd due to childhood abuse, that causes depression and anxiety, and suffer from sensory overload and executive dysfunction quite often. I understand that sometimes I'm not the clearest, but I feel like I'm the only one putting effort in after a certain point because the effort he outs in seems minimal.

[barbiekail]

Hey sir. Thankyou for your videos. My husband is in relationship since 6 years while our marraige life is only 2 month relation ship. How can I face this. I don't wanna see my husband love another woman. I want him to love only me. Can I solve this or should I give up him??

[yasinmiah]

Hi Brad I have done NC for 30 days and I decided to send the good reminder text. It’s been 4 days and she has not replied what can I do?

[theultimatetroll]

Hey I’m 16 and my ex broke up with me about 1 and a half months ago. We were together for 5 months and I really loved her. It wasn’t some little high school relationship. She lives 45 minutes away thought and I feared I never would see her again. We broke up because we just argued nonstop for the last month and i guess she couldn’t take it anymore. I at first thought it was all her fault but over time I realized it was actually mine. Two weeks after we broke up I decided to text her again and she actually agreed to text me back. I thought this was about to be great but over the last month she only has texted me once or twice a day. I would get upset with her and we would argue again and I would end up apologizing after the arguement. I want to try the 30 day rule now but is it too late?

[ghst-dtqi]

My ex contact me she saying about her work she having a problem to her new boss and she blocked me again. What does it mean?

[k.w.]

Update: I think it's been 6-7 weeks now. He's acting quite confusing at the moment. He hardly ever posted anything on social media before and during our relationship. But now since I do it, it skyrocketed. The weird thing about it is that he only posts stuff an hour after me. He even posted a selfie but deleted it after I saw it. Another time I had a photo with my study friend in my story (male, he knows it's just a friend tho) and 5 minutes later he also posted one with a woman in the library. He also sent me a couple of snaps without the intention to spark a convo. What the hell is he doing???


long story short: my bf broke up with me 4 weeks ago and it caught me off guard because there was actually no sign that he was thinking about ending the relationship. We met a few days before and everything seemed fine and he was being really sweet etc. He started studying a few months ago and one month before he came back from working in a foreign country for a year. He is a really ambitious guy and cares a lot about his grades and studying in general. His exams start very soon and he already told me how stressed he is feeling. Then he started acting really weird because of this stress. I asked him if he's fine and he said it's not how he has imagined our relationship and that he is feeling bad because we don't see each other quite often. I asked him what that's supposed to mean for our relationship and he said that I don't need to worry and he's not thinking about making any decisions. A few days later we met to talk about it and he just said that he is feeling overwhelmed with everything and it's the wrong time for a relationship. He literally made this decision in one night. I asked if he still loved me and all he had to say was that he's not sure what he is supposed to feel in general and feels numb probably due to stress. He didn't want to lose me because I mean so much to him and wanted to stay in touch. We communicated a couple of times via social media. That's it. I don't know what to do. On one hand he's clearly not okay and I want to help and be there for him. On the other hand I feel like that's going to make everything worse and push him away. In general this whole decision seems to be the product of excessive overthinking and the overwhelming of his expectations. I think he needs some time for himself since he didn't have it since he came back. I also think he might re-think this decision after his exams are over. I mean we never argued and got into fights. It was really harmonic. At the same time I don't want to get my hopes high up. Should I just leave him alone and see if he comes back?

[kavitadhingra]

hii brad
im 17 n my ex broke up with me 2 mnths ago i havnt applied no contct properly we usually tlk a few times he don’t initiate himself only i go n tlk to him in the first plce he sys he is v hppy n moved on n dont hv feelings fr me n doesnt wnt to be with me we werr together fr 8 mnths idk now its too late to apply no contact as its already been 2 months n i have seen no improvement i used no contact bt nt properly .he shows no interest in me pls tll me how to get him bck n as we r in sm schul bt now our schul is also ending in 2 mnths n now i feel its too late n nt a good idea to use no conct rn wht should i do to get him bck pls tll me 🙂

[johnmiller-jfez]

"Always" and " never" are usually damning words in most statements for me. When i claim to "always "do something, it becomes "never", and likewise when i claim to"never" do something, then it becomes always, especially if that statement involves another person. I can see how annoying it can be when we apply these words to something negative were implying something about another person, because these absolute statements arent true most of the time.

[kavitadhingra]

hey brad!
i m 17 my bf broke up with me 2 months ago we were together fr 8 months n i havnt applied no contct properly at all coz we r in sm schul he says he is v happy and has moved on n dont hve feelings fr me n he dont tlk to me much whn i try to tlk to him pls tll me wht should i do to get him bck ???i evn took ur quick n i scored 66/100 is there a chnce ? n wht should i do to get him bck?

[niar]

Hi brad off topic but is it a good sign if my ex is liking my posts ?

[howardlee]

I dont agree with his secondary methods. It still sounds condescending.
A better way to say it would be. I've been doing a lot of laundry and I would love some help from time to time.

We have been late to a lot of gatherings with our friends. I'd like to start being on-time from now on. Maybe we can start getting ready a little earlier. -I wouldn't include the friends at all.