12 toxic things you do in conversations without realising

#social #socialskills #communication

The book that inspired the video:

📘 The Art of Social Poise (Book): coming soon 👀
🎥 The Art of Social Poise (Course): coming soon 👀
💎 NOK Academy (social skills & mental flourishing): coming soon 👀
📗 The Art of Mental Flourishing: coming later 👀

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0:00 The dirty dozen
0:20 (1) Criticising
1:10 (2) Name calling/labelling
3:17 (3) Diagnosing
4:31 (4) Praising evaluatively
6:10 (5 & 6) Ordering & threatening
8:07 (7) Moralising
9:28 (8) Excessive/inappropriate questioning
10:50 (9) Advising
13:33 (10) Diverting
14:46 (11) Logical argument
15:31 (12) Reassuring
17:48 Outro rizz

Title ideas:
how to stop ruining your conversations

[NewelOfKnowledge]

Addressing 5 criticisms to the video:

(And apologies for spelling ‘criticising’ wrong in point 1 - I left it up so I could spew in the discomfort of my perfectionism as an attempt to stop being a perfectionist. Fuck it we ball.)

Criticism 1:
1.) "If all of these behaviours are "toxic" then what are we meant to say? Just stand there and be silent?"
Response 1:
- It's not for me to say what you want or value in your relationships, but if what you want is to better support those you care about and to permit others to grow in your presence, then not doing these 12 things will help you do so.
- And the last time I checked "just stand there and be silent" is called listening. And that's usually what you do when someone you care about is talking or venting.
- Finally, throughout the video I give many examples of what you could say (10:28).

Criticism 2:
2.) "This is just a woke conversation."
Response 2:
- Fuck woke culture. I hate it. Walking on egg shells around people for fear of offending them. Sod that for a laugh.
- So not doing these 12 things doesn't mean you tone down your authentic voice in conversations and don't say things you want to - this does more harm than good. If you want to voice an opinion, voice it. I have plenty of videos on how to do that.

Criticism 3:
3.) "Sometimes giving people advice is good + I know countless people who have been helped by reassurance."
Response 3:
- I agree. There have been numerous times throughout my life when someone has reassured me or given me advice and it's helped.
- But ask people if they want your advice before you give it.
- And only reassure people after they've emotionally vented - this way you avoid signalling "stop feeling what you're feeling."

Criticism 4:
4.) "Jheese, modern conversations are so hard. It seems no matter what we do we'll always put a foot wrong."
Response 4:
- The tips mentioned aren't for "modern conversations". The book I used to get this information from was published in 1979.
- We're not perfect. Our social skills will never be flawless. We're going to do these 12 things countless times throughout our lives (17:48). But the less the better if what we want is to better support and connect with others.

Criticism 5:
5.) "Dude, you're moralising us about not moralising other people. And you're giving us advice on not giving other people advice."
Response 5:
- The difference between a real life conversation and a youtube video is that at any point you can turn the youtube video off. So I'm not giving you advice, I'm suggesting things that you have the choice to listen to or not. Don't like what I'm saying? Shut my annoying moustached bald ass up by turning off the video.
- Regarding me moralising you about not moralising other people, this will sound like the biggest cop out ever, but sometimes information needs to be delivered in a paradoxical way. It's a contradiction yes, but how else could I have delivered the message? (if you have an idea, I'd love to hear it).

Thank you for your time and attention.

I'm happy to hear any counter arguments you have to these below.

Lewis

[Fredreegz]

My mantra is "the most valuable thing you can contribute to a conversation is your attention" and I forget it almost every time I talk to someone.

[DiogenesNephew]

Damn. Now all my conversations at this point are gonna essentially be, "Yeah, I hear ya. That sounds difficult."

[dimitristripakis]

Golden rule = "The more you talk, the more nonsense you will say"

[barbaracale]

I teach public school. Sometimes children share with me very personal things. I often just say, "That sounds so difficult, thank you for telling me what's going on." Sometimes I really don't know what else to say, but that seems to be helpful, without interfering in their sharing.

[ajhd]

In my journey through studying to become a psychotherapist I heard an excellent line. "You go to your friends to be listened too, and all you get is advice. You go to your therapist for advice, and all you get is listened too."

[virginiatimmons]

“Diagnosing is avoidance of listening”…. Thank you, I needed to hear that, I’m going to chew on it for a while!

[themasculinismmovement]

He's right, for those of us who study psychology, it is hard not to diagnose people, but we must avoid it because it's not our place and no one likes it

[EcoSailor]

Growing up in a dysfunctional family, I didn't learn how to communicate my feelings or how to listen when other people communicate theirs. I still struggle with difficult conversations and conflict avoidance. I'm now 64 and still learning. Thank you, Lewis, for your help.

[tamstorck]

Labeling people really hit home for me. I made this HUGE mistake with my son. I thought that I was being a good mother by reminding him how smart he was daily. I thought this was an encouraging statement, but I am afraid it made him fearful of failure. He is a grown now, with a career that did not require formal training or education in which he could have easily accomplished. I am deeply proud of him in every way. He is an outstanding person on every level, but I feel that by labeling him "smart" I may have stunted his educational dreams.

[umestudies]

Give this man a new marker. He deserves it.

[navyachegiri]

Ever since i found your channel, my life has changed for the best. I'm now more socially adept, and the credit goes to you. I talk to people more often and have let go of my fear of starting conversations with new people. Thank you so much man, i'm extremely grateful

[jozefserf]

Everything depends on the person listening.

Some need a hug, some need a slap.

[elyse-cathrinebisson]

I knew this when I was 12 years old. But now I’m 62 and have experienced a lot of shitt and have been judged so much that I started to do it myself. It’s such a dirty circle of ugly feelings.

[pleasepleasethebees]

I have a friend that told me, specifically, that she just wants me to listen and not offer advice. Problem with that is now I'm expected to sit there and listen to her complain about her life. I'm getting nothing out of it. I'm not her therapist. I'm not getting paid to spend my time just listening to someone complain about a relationship that, from the outside, seems to be a supportive and generally safe and good marriage. It's ruined the friendship for me and I avoid hanging out now. So... the person on the other side of the conversation needs to own their part in how things are going.

[hudibrad]

It's a thin ice, this topic, because each of these things can be done healthily, and toxically. For example, the threatening: you could hold the relationship hostage like you ilustrated, or you could set a boundary, saying: "If you continue to behave this way, I'll feel unloved and disrespected." and it still could be considered a threatening manipulation/conditional love. At the end of it, it boils down to how mature the person you're talking to is.

[Max-xlqv]

12:34 sharing experience is a form of advice, nothing wrong in helping a friend to live through a breakup by pointing out the relevant rights and wrongs of your past breakups. People don't want advice, but they love insight. And what matters is not what you're bringing to the table - but how you're serving it.

[noahnmaster]

"When you wag your finger at someone...there are three fingers pointed towards YOU" --- gold. Great video.

[paddleed]

There's something far more toxic than judging; pretending you don't make judgements.

[mapleext]

Good stuff! I’m an old lady and it took me years to acquire this wisdom. I taught young children throughout my career and said, “Good job!” rather than, “Good girl/boy”. I remember my dad saying there were too many “shoulds” in the world, and in AA hearing, “Don’t ‘should’ on yourself or others.” Learning to listen, and these other skills you mention, mean I have to honestly ask myself, “Is this comment for them or me? So many times I would assert myself in a conversation and could trace it back to my own fears or insecurities. Now I say, “Just let them talk!” Not always easy!!