Is This Why You're Depressed? Stop Should-ing on Yourself

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Here's one way you make your depression worse: should-ing on yourself.
A should statement is a cognitive distortion. It’s based on an overly rigid rule inside your head that you aren’t able to live up to. Shoulds generate a lot of shame. This way of talking to ourselves is like having a little shoulder angel constantly finding fault and criticizing you. But shoulds just aren’t that helpful in actually creating change - they mostly just make us miserable and discouraged.
Is this what's making you depressed?
Are shoulds making you feel like you're never good enough?
Shoulding is a bad habit that sends a message to your brain that you’ll never be good enough. It creates hopelessness which leads to depression.
So, how do we stop shoulding on ourselves? How can we stop making ourselves more depressed?
In order to resolve these shouldy feelings, we’re going to use the emotion processing model: Notice, Pause, Explore, Clarify and Act.
So the two shoulds we’re going to look at for our example are “I should always be happy” and “I should spend more time with my kids.”

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Therapy in a Nutshell and the information provided by Emma McAdam are solely intended for informational and entertainment purposes and are not a substitute for advice, diagnosis, or treatment regarding medical or mental health conditions. Although Emma McAdam is a licensed marriage and family therapist, the views expressed on this site or any related content should not be taken for medical or psychiatric advice. Always consult your physician before making any decisions related to your physical or mental health.
In therapy I use a combination of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Systems Theory, positive psychology, and a bio-psycho-social approach to treating mental illness and other challenges we all face in life. The ideas from my videos are frequently adapted from multiple sources. Many of them come from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, especially the work of Steven Hayes, Jason Luoma, and Russ Harris. The sections on stress and the mind-body connection derive from the work of Stephen Porges (the Polyvagal theory), Peter Levine (Somatic Experiencing) Francine Shapiro (EMDR), and Bessel Van Der Kolk. I also rely heavily on the work of the Arbinger institute for my overall understanding of our ability to choose our life's direction.

Copyright Therapy in a Nutshell, LLC
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[jelliemish]

The thought change from "I should be happy" to "I don't like feeling down rn, what can I do right now?" is amazing. Seriously, thanks! this video is so helpful!

[BeYourUniquePotential]

Overly rigid rules are so damaging and often stem from some kind of complex trauma or PTSD from childhood or early adulthood. Lovely reminder here to not 'should' ourselves. Wishing you a happy holiday season. I hope you have some time off with your lovely family. Much love, Marie-Louise

[privateequityguy]

*"If people are doubting how far you can go, go so far that you can't hear them..."* If you are reading this today, I hope you have an amazing day!

[mordaciousfilms]

I've felt guilted about NOT being happy or grateful enough. Sometimes I feel disappointed and let down, and it can feel hard to recognize the good occurring. And then some well-meaning people may say to me, "You should be very grateful! You have a lot of good things going for you" and that can make me feel WORSE because then I think "Well what is wrong with me that I can't just BE HAPPY about where I am? Why can't I be grateful?' - I hate that!

[Toni_Snark]

In my 50’s and all the women in my family have been shoulding ourselves our entire lives! Along with always “sorryIng” for everything, even things we’re not responsible for.

[deity]

These are really helpful tools, especially for those of us who tend to dwell on our mistakes in life, thinking "I should have" or "if only" over and over again. Thank you.

[jelliemish]

when you said "when we stop resisting how we feel we give ourselves a chance to resolve how we feel", that's something I keep forgetting. I have a habit of trying to force any bad or strong feelings away, and then I just get into a spiral and come out of it exhausted in the end.

thank you, this is a helpful video!

[BallisticTomato]

What also hurts is "I should have" leaves no room for improvement whatsoever. It puts the spotlight on something I did or didn't do and because it's already done or not done I have no recourse for betterment.

[glenngibson]

I call it living in "SMOG." Should, Must, Ought, Got. I'm sure there are other words. I do this too many times. I'd forgotten about this. At this time of year it's all too easy for me to get lost in this type of distortion (any time really).

Thanks for the reminder. And bringing up the history. That was interesting.

[vinireads]

That “strawberries should be cheaper than french fries” really got me and now I’m in a should-loop

[paulocoelho]

"Stop putting so much energy into resisting reality" that really makes me think! I do the "should-ing on myself " thing a lot when trying to correct daily behaviors and trying to improve... I am going to re-think that and take this lesson! Thank you for the great advice Emma!!!

[aquagrape]

“Shoulding on ourselves” I love this video so much

[allywallydd]

In high school, I had a teacher who always said, “Don’t should on others” (or yourself). It always stuck with me, and the older I get the more grateful I am that she shared that wisdom with us, and I hope other classmates found the value in it too. Thank you so much for sharing this, so I can share it with my friends as well!

[Vikette]

I love how you conflate the word "should" with a less palatable one. It's effective! I was just thinking of New Year's resolutions and the pile of "should" became overwhelming quickly.

[wellnowdave]

I place too much expectation on myself. I’m learning to accept things aren’t always perfect and that Things happen as they are in the present moment. I don’t need to judge myself or others. I can do things ‘70% well’ rather than 100%. Life isn’t about jumping from one perfect thing to another. It’s about being intentional about the things we care about and doing those to things as well as we in the flow of the present moment

[christineewing]

From someone who has cPTSD, being compassionate and kind to myself is very much a work in progress. I was listening to an audiobook on this topic, and the question was raised, "We can show compassion and kindness to other people and sentient beings, so why are some of us unable to show it to ourselves?" This implies that we think we are unworthy. I am learning, albeit slowly, that I am worthy of self-compassion. Thank you for this video.

[lauragreysonmckidd]

'The only way to stop caring is to give up on our life purpose'

Life changing words ❤❤

[adu]

Stop SHOULD-ing on yourself.
I see what you did there 😉 Thanks for the vid!

[countessbathory]

Thank you, this is something my therapist catches me out on all the time 'There you go with your "shoulds" again' and although she doesn't word it as such, she helps me with the notice, pause, explore, clarify and act process. I've just discovered your channel and realising how much of the things you talk about are things she says makes me grateful to have a good therapist.

[misse]

I love your use of "should" and "should-ing"! This was really meaningful!
Strawberries really should be cheaper than fries though 🤭
Love your hair! 🙌