What to do when your partner is depressed - Esther Perel

Today I'm answering a question I've received multiple times: "My partner is depressed. What do I do?"

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[raia]

Depression can be expressed as irritability and anger - thats hard to just be around without reacting yourself.

[rightmarker]

Don’t get ‘ angry at the power of the powerless’ - something to keep front of mind when living with a partner prone to periods of depression. Wise woman Esther.

[scottw]

This resonates tremendously. My partner is going through a serious depression over work and career. While they express a genuine desire to not bring me (and the relationship) down with the ship, there is still this “parallel experience” that inevitably forms. I had been thinking of that recently, but you helped me put it into words. Sort of like trying to save a drowning person, it’s easy to get pulled under. When you love someone, it’s such a fragile balance between keeping your partner safe while also keeping yourself safe.

[amazingyear]

Do not become Angry at the power of the powerless for not doing what you tell them to do. Wow. Great Advice.

[amazingyear]

Be Present. Encourage them to seek help. Tell them they will come out of this.

[akumacode]

Wow, that was the EXACT process i went through when i tried to help my last partner through things

[enjoyyourchildrenbymiriamc]

Great advice, thank you!


On a practical note, I believe you also need to prioritise taking good care of your own needs by doing activities you like and spending time with friends who are not depressed. Being with a depressed partner can easily drain you emotionally- you need to keep recharging your own batteries in order to not get depressed yourself.

[marjaruijterman]

And take good care of yourself. Don't dive into the depression with your partner. Talk to good friends about how you feel. If you are happy, don't hide it, you have the right to be yourself in your own house, just like your partner. Take a walk to breath fresh air. Love your partner and yourself and be present! I remember my partner said: "Why do you sing while I am depressed?" We both have the right to express what we feel. After the depression my partner told me she was glad that I stayed stable and happy in that period. She could be herself and I could be myself. Keep on breathing...

[ProudlyAfrican]

its not easy helping a depressed person

[bluebox]

You're the reason I still have a connection to my partner Esther. It's not multifaceted. It's you alone. Thank you for arming me.

[yoonmikim]

You can be supportive emotionally, say you are there. But you don't have to be a sponge for all their problems. Remember their vitality is broken, so you can't do things for them.

Instead, be present with what they are feeling in that moment, don't tell them to feel better, but follow with I understand that (their words reworded) and suggest they get professional help. Don't become their life managers.

Saying this as someone who has been depressed before. Emotional support, not life advice.

[sophiemebaldri]

i’m gonna be honest. i’ve been in this cycle for a couple weeks and i just didn’t know what to do. this video explained exactly how i was feeling and it helped me figure out what to do within 4 minutes. that’s crazy. thank you thank you

[average_coverage]

This is altogether great advice and I'd like to emphasise the 'tell them they have not always been like this'. Still after years I remember my best friend telling me how, no, I was not always sad, closed and scared and that it will come back, and I still remember my family member telling me I'd been a cheerful child. It elevated some of my panick and gave me this light of hope, was really, really precious. I hope it's clear it was not a complain or a fight, it was a reality check for a very desperate person.

[iamsultana]

I think the tension and frustration in a romantic relationship where one person regularly has depression comes from one partner feeling like they are carrying much of the weight alone. If someone is both in a relationship (maybe even has a family) and also has depression, they have to seek professional help and allow their partner to be emotionally supportive. I apologise for the analogy but it's kind of like alcoholics or drug addicts - they have a disease they feel powerless against, but if they show the desire to fight it, the partner also then feels the desire to stand by your side. But if you stand by someone's side, while they're going through something and not allowing anyone to help, and then you're left with all the weight of the practical life, then it can definitely get frustrating, painful and exhausting.

[Reemoshe]

Absolutely true... I have been on this path and realized how futile my Helpful and incessant pleads were. Resentment and parallel depression was the result and that was killing our relationship...🥰 All I had to do is stand there in love, support and empathy and free myself from being entrapped.. thank you

[maryannbrown]

Thank you, Esther, for your insight and eloquence! I have been the depressed one and the partner trying to lift up the depressed one. Your description of the parallel process that occurs when we try too hard to “fix” someone is so right on. I love how you think. 💕💕💕

[georgiana]

Great piece of wisdom as always. In my experience both as the depressed and as the other, we all have to go through these by ourselves. The other people can provide some guidance but they can't "lift" or "fix" us. The depression is there, it has it's own cause and it will go away eventually once we process what we need to process.

In my opinion, the best thing you can do is to be there for your partner, to be a stable and calm presence, to help them keep afloat, take care of the practicalities to make sure they have everything they need to go through it (food, cleaning, etc.) and of course be a source of sanity for the acute moments. This means you also have to take care of yourself and make sure you get what you need to stay strong. In my experience this is the best help one can offer. It means above all that you trust their ability to go through it by themselves which is very important, especially in those moments when they even doubt it themselves.

[ksfishchannel]

OH MY GOD this made me feel so understood and so validated. The guilt and helplessness is BIG for me because growing up i was my mothers emotional caretaker, she pit all her problems on me and expected me to solve them. So thats my natural response now is to try to fix it, or i feel worthless, like i am failing in my only purpose in life. Thank you for this video. My only complaint is that it wasnt longer! You have so much wisdom.

[glesendamettelerkamp]

"Angry at the power of the Powerless"!!! Love that Esther!!!

[yehiaelyamani]

Excellent advice ! I say this while I myself am the depressed one.. I do need dear people close but not to choke me. Also, I do feel better seeing others caring for me, but I cannot snap out of it just like that. I need time, during which I very slowly get better, but it doesn't show on the outside as much. Having someone near is a great help, only one should not get hasty or angry as you said!