'Fake Alpha' Narcissists

In groups it is very common for an "alpha" to emerge as the one who sets the pace and establishes leadership. Dr. Les Carter explains how narcissists, with their craving for control, are overly eager to be in the alpha position, but their relationship troubles sabotage healthy leadership. He contrasts the narcissistic "fake alpha" with a true alpha.

Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who lives in Dallas, Tx. In the past 40 years he has conducted more than 60,000 counseling sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder.

We receive commissions on referrals to BetterHelp. We only recommend services that we trust.

Join Dr. Carter on our Facebook page, Surviving Narcissism, for a time of live questions and answers each Thursday at 11:30 Central Time, U.S.

[gwendolynwehage]

The most confident person in the world is the one who does not need to feel elevated, they are fulfilled without it. Their work or challenges are enough to cause a s sense of purpose. Accomplishing something together with others is a great pleasure to the normal rational peson, no need to be superior or special.

[kevindavis]

Never let them gain control of your life. "the best way to predict the future is to create it". Create your future without them.

[chelle]

This description of the "fake alpha" is so helpful. In my experience, the "fakes" always use a victim narrative. Everyone is doing them wrong, but they do no one wrong. When you try to acknowledge the harm you have might have done, that's just fuel to their fire of their victim narrative. They will never ever ever admit the harm they've caused.

[markasteelsr.]

The difference between a good supervisor and a "bad" supervisor. My "good bosses" earned my respect and it was a pleasure to work for them. Where as the "fakes" were tyrants that tried to rule with an iron fist. I would deliberately slow things down!

[AM-xeiq]

THANK YOU! Omg. I have someone in my life that swears he’s an alpha male. He’s overly sensitive and moody, easily triggered, highly emotional in negative ways, demanding, demeaning, forceful and cruel. He argues with women in front of children and brings chaos to any situation and blames others for his behavior. That is not an alpha male.

[laurarandolph]

You can spot a fake alpha by their bag of tricks. They don't have a sincere kindly smile or manner that lights up their eyes. They dole out scowls, fiery looks, calumny, and sabotage OR obsequious, drippy flattery depending on how their control techniques are working and on how useful they deem you to be.

[KT]

I asked why he was always angry and in a bad mood. Apparently it's because of my behavior. My behavior (being distant) is a result of his mood swings.
Vicious cycle.

[goodenoughgirl]

They want all the glory and the titles of being this great and revered Alpha, but want none of the real duties or responsibilities or hard work that go with it.

[aliceroberts]

They don’t know anything about loyalty but they demand it from you . They don’t see anything that’s not about themselves their so self focused they don’t see anyone else.

[wiser]

When my son became a high school teen, my ex-NPD started going into rages against him claiming our son was trying to be the “alpha male.” The outbursts on my son from his dad would come out of nowhere and be disturbingly un reasonable. I would, as the codependent I was, stand there dumbfounded, and my ex would turn to me yelling, “Why don’t you support me?” I eventually came up with the strength to respond to him, “I don’t support you because I don’t agree with you!” My son is a very sensitive, caring person, and other than normal growing, emerging young adults, did not deserve this treatment. He went away to college, and after about a year, I received a call from him that he had been admitted to a psychiatric hospital due to contemplating suicide. The ensuing struggles were an immediate wake-up call for me. I divorced his father after 40 years of marriage, and my son and I entered therapy. I am working on my codependency, and my son just graduated from college with honors!! I am so happy and grateful for supportive sites like yours. Life is good!

[MargaretWalkerCellist]

Fakers ALWAYS do things for THEMSELVES (they are takers); whereas, those that are true Alphas do things for the sake of themselves AND others, in an equal way (giving). It boils down to the Golden Rule.

[davidslocum]

EVERYTHING about the narcissist is fake! It's so convoluted that even the narc has no clue who they really are. You almost feel sorry for them.... ALMOST! 😑

[Punkpsychobilly]

The more videos I watch, the more I realize that my ex told me exactly who she was, hundreds of times before I even figured out she was a narc. I recall her saying during one time that I was being discarded that “the reason we can’t get along is because we’re both so alpha”. I’ve never considered myself an alpha, I consider myself a man who does the things that a man should do, like my father. Because I had boundaries that she couldn’t destroy, and I wouldn’t give in to her every command, she thought I was too alpha. She was the epitome of a fake alpha.

[kerstitekko]

Dr.Les Carter is top notch describing narcissists...hats down.

[osowers]

I always want my kids to feel safe and loved around me. I tell my wife that the worst thing about growing up with a narcissist dad (fake alpha) was that I never felt safe around him. ( Kids need to be safe and feel safe.) I could never run and jump into his arms and feel safe, I was terrified of him and hated him for most of my life.. He was almost like a stranger to me. When he got home, instead of feeling safe or even wanting to be around him, all of us kids ran to the neighbors or anywhere but home. The less we spent time with him the better. He was not a dad, he was an administrator with his "king of the hill" agenda out in front at all times. I now feel completely sorry for him but went "no-contact" to obtain peace.

[bobdeclor]

Omg this was my dad. He would always pick fights with strangers and brag about fighting people. When I was like 8 I believed him but I'm older now and I know it was all for show and made up. How pathetic.

[funlovinbloke]

My covert narcist ex partner has a father who an overt narcissist.

What he says has to happen.
If you don't obey, then you will have to face the consequences.
He decides for his wife, his mature children and his grand children.

He thought that he could control me easily and that I would also follow him without doubting his decisions or ask questions.

How wrong he was.

I am happy that I don't have to see and talk to this person anymore.
He really thought he was the centre of the universe.

The only thing he did was dividing people.

In fact, he was also so fake as his daughter.

[terryjoeljunior]

This is on point! Be careful too because narcs are capable of turning you into a narc if you let em get to you

[nikkid]

So true. Being in control starts with having high levels of self control. Bless, our narcissists seek control to be dominant, and not to manage a situation effectively. They have low self control, in my observation

[bobbynicole]

Had a manager like this... she was literally aching to lead and we felt like servants rather than teammates. This ain't the 19 century lady.