On Feeling Obliged

FURTHER READING

“For some of us, our lives are guided – and hemmed in – by one overwhelming imperative: we must never let people down. Not just a few friends and family members, but pretty much anyone who wants anything of us. Perhaps someone wants to see us again for supper. We kept them entertained and now they want more. The problem is that we really don’t much like them – but we go anyway, because how could we not, next time and probably the twenty times after that. We give money to people we don’t trust, we stay up too late at parties we hate, we wind up on holiday with characters we have little in common with. We would feel a sense of obligation to someone…”

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CREDITS

Produced in collaboration with:

Mike Booth

Title animation produced in collaboration with

Graeme Probert

[ericastivison]

“Your job throughout your entire life, is to disappoint as many people as it takes to avoid disappointing yourself.”
Glennon Doyle, Untamed

[mollyhooper]

“Oh I wish I could, but I don’t want to. “ wise words from Phoebe

[BollywoodBonanzaB]

I love a post I saw on YouTube a few days ago - "If you don't say yes authentically, you say yes reluctantly, and that causes more trouble than saying no in the first place."

[CuriosityIgnited]

It’s taken me years to realize that setting boundaries doesn’t make you a bad person. It just means you respect your own time and mental health.

[iloveyoufromthedepthofmyheart]

"A manic sense of obligation is the logical consequence of key people's historic LACK of obligation towards us." - That hit home...

[EdelweisSusie]

I worked with a guy who taught me so much about my people-pleasing trait that he changed my life. If he was chatting to a group of people either at work or at the pub and he'd had enough of that particular thread of conversation he'd just say: "Had enough now, I'm off". He didn't put up with all that social BS from people trying to clamber the corporate ladder - when he'd had enough of a conversation he'd just walk off and start chatting to someone else. It was brilliant to watch.

[milicamaelissazivanovic]

It was so liberating realizing this “polite obligation”. I started walking out on movies I didn’t like, conversations I didn’t enjoy, people who bring me down. I feel more comfortable and people appreciate you being genuine.

[goldengriffon]

This has been a major problem of mine. I need to watch this video every morning for a few weeks. Thank you.

[CurtisMoe]

Ugh. Hits so hard. I grew up in a full house of people that was virtually absent of love, compassion, and acceptance.

[karenfry]

At nearly 60 I am only just beginning to understand myself. I am beginning to take control of my own life but still feel it nearly impossible to say no to work or close family. When i have said no they make me feel very guilty. At least this video helps me understand why I put myself under this obligation to please others. Thank you.

[BasedPranav]

I want to express myself and give a heartfelt note of gratitude to everyone involved to make these films for free on this platform for people like me to watch. Being a neurodivergent person with trauma and having great interests in the science of our life (including people, psychology and humans as a whole). this single channel has been my greatest resource to navigate through problems during tough times, developing awareness and understanding about affairs of humans and therefore learning to become a more loving (and lovable), kind and empathetic human being along with learning about the subject. And as a matter of fact today was one of the days where i gor overwhelmed emotionally and found relief in music and your videos. So Thank you, From the bottom of my heart ❤.

[mooodlemip]

I used to tell myself that there was no one I didn't like - that it was just my awkwardness that made me feel uncomfortable around certain people. this led to me going on holiday with someone I didn't like/don't have much in common with and I felt like I was pretending the whole time. I feel so called out by this video but also hopeful. I now see that my discomfort in certain situations isn't necessarily because I'm awkward/giving in to selfish feelings but because I'm just doing something that I don't like doing, that isn't suited to me. its freeing

[jengirl]

“A manic sense of obligation”. Yep. Feeling this.

[rhiannonn]

Perfect timing! I just had a conversation with my kindergartener today about the importance of being our own advocate and saying, "No."

[canwalk]

A friend shows me the best declination line: "I won't be making it". Clean and simple, no apologies, no false reason, no promises for nxt time.

[thecarbox]

Just want to congratulate the person who came up with Duo as the example. Big brain move there. It's something everyone has seen in pop culture

[fortissimoX]

I was never this type of person, it came quite easy for me to put boundaries.
But there are some of my friends who are like this, and it literally destroys their life and they still can't say simple "no".
Before, it frustrated me because I couldn't understand their behavior, but nowadays I see that as I have some weaknesses that are easy for others, it's same for them.
Moral of the story: When you see some behavior that you don't approve at others, don't judge them but either try to help them, or if that's not possible, feel compassion for them.
Btw, great animation!

[Melanie_M]

"... and we might be shocked to find.... a backbone" made me laugh :D Incredible video as always! Slowly starting to apply boundaries and stand up for myself and my needs. It's a long but important process.

[BuleCintahIndonesia]

When we feel like we don’t belong, the journey to find ourselves can lead us into the habit of saying yes to anyone and anything.

[estelsaradop]

We feel obligated when we haven't been given the opportunity to find our own voice, likes and dislikes. And those are always our parents. I'm speaking from personal experience and three years of psychotherapy. Your videos are very educational, thank you ❤