I Can't Remember My Trauma. How do I Heal? ❤️‍🩹

Unfortunately, many folks have experienced trauma, from s*xual assault to childhood bullying. Many of these folks are eager to seek therapy, but they are faced with a predicament: they don’t remember what happened. Even if you have suppressed the memory to some degree, as a trauma therapist, I promise you can heal. Here’s how:

1. It’s normal not to remember traumatic events. When we’re under extreme distress, our brains often do not record memories as accurately as usual—or at all. Even if we do remember the narrative, we may struggle to recall how we felt during a trauma, which dramatically alters how we will remember the incident.

2. Our memories aren’t reliable. We place a lot of emphasis on our narrative memories. But we also know that memory is incredibly unreliable. Even when we’re sure we remember a past event exactly how it happened, we often don’t. So it goes without saying that no trauma survivor’s memory will be perfect.

3. Remembering is not recovering. You don’t have to remember everything to heal. Healing a trauma in therapy is not contingent on the narrative. In fact, a lot of components of trauma therapy have nothing to do with recounting the event itself. For example: somatic approaches focus on regulating the nervous system. CBT emphasizes mindfulness and shifting negative thinking patterns—neither of which focus on the memory of the trauma itself.

4. Start with what you do remember. Keep it simple. Don’t try to force yourself to have more memories than you do. Just start with what you can recall. Typically, as therapy continues, more and more details will come back to you. But if they don’t, that’s okay too. Our brains have incredible evolutionary mechanisms that serve to protect us from harm. Trust that details will come to you if they’re supposed to.

If you need help working through trauma, please don’t hesitate to reach out. The sooner you begin, the sooner you will find the relief you’re seeking.

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[jackyboy-uqex]

I recently went through this very thing on my path to wellness.
I found that it helped me to remember, at least pieces of a major trauma that I had repressed only because I realized I had assigned blame and cause to other traumas.
I guess the best way to say it is much of my pain was wrongfully assigned. I was angry and hateful of other traumas but in fact those traumas weren't as big as I had believed - for decades. In fact with the repressed trauma coming forward, it helped me to forgive.
For me it was helpful. I think if we need to remember, then we will.
It definitely can't be forced.

[MichaelGarbarino-tw]

Wonderful video clarifying an important distinction - thank you! As a gay man in his 60’s who experienced many events from childhood that were “adverse”, I’ve dealt with complex trauma my whole life. I wasn’t diagnosed as dealing with complex PTSD until my late 50’s, so I spent decades before that with suppressed memories and instinctively invented coping mechanisms to thrive as an adult even though I couldn’t recall much of my childhood’s details, especially not the really bad stuff. I’m among those who believe life’s journey is about self discovery, and integrating the shadow sides, and becoming who you were always meant to be. Such a journey for me has meant experiencing many ego deaths. Remembering the narrative is sometimes how I have achieved a deeper understanding of the emotional hurt that remains, but it’s absolutely true that remembering the narrative is not necessary. Indeed, perspective on it changes, and the narrative itself changes, as one pursues therapeutic healing. So again, great video, and thank you!

[TheBitterOldQueenNYC]

Great video, Michael. People need to treat themselves with kindness and stop being so hard on themselves!

[brentbraniff]

I remember being threatened and bullied by a homophobic guy and his friends back in college (this was the late 70s) and to this day I can't remember this guy's face. And I only remember his first name. His face has literally been photoshopped out of my memory. I remember some of the confrontations and threats but his face is gone. He could walk up to me today, shake my hand and I wouldn't have a clue. I assume it's some kind of defense that keeps his face from my memory. It's strange, indeed.