The Roots of Perfectionism | Complex Trauma

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In this clip from Tim's 60 Characteristics of Complex Trauma series, he explores the root cause of perfectionism in relation to complex trauma. He highlights numerous traits that may signify perfectionistic tendencies. Additionally, Tim discusses how perfectionism can become maladaptive and harmful when left unchecked, leading to negative consequences in daily life, including a constant state of false guilt and a sense of failure.

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DISCLAIMER:
Tim Fletcher is not a doctor or licensed therapist. Tim’s videos are for informational purposes only to provide understanding, learning, and awareness about complex trauma. No information published here can replace professional evaluation, diagnosis, or treatment.

[Everythingismeaningless]

Perfectionism is the commitment to not being belittled

[Sarisgtz]

for the past couple of years, I completely isolated myself. I couldn't go out because I didn't have the perfect clothes. because I didn't have the perfect body. I didn't want to meet my friends because my career wasn't going well and I felt like I had made so many mistakes I was ashamed to tell people about it. and I became this person almost afraid of sunlight, because everyone would see me or know me and hate me because of my imperfections. but this year. I decided to make a change. and it hasn't been easy and I wouldn't say I'm wholly changed. or that I've completely changed my habits, or that I don't feel this way anymore. like everything I'm doing is wrong, scared of people hating me and taking on bigger projects or procrastinating on them for fear of failing. but I've been doing better, and trying to do differently. and this year has been the best year of my life so far.

[cortneylemasurier]

Growing up with a perfectionist, you learn you have to EARN love. Being perfect then becomes the goal in everything you do.

[theshowupguy]

Perfectionism is a defense mechanism originating from a shame wound.

That is, perfectionism is fueled by shame.

[Bealtaine]

I have been working on this by purposely doing things less than my interpretation of perfection and then sit with the uncomfortability. Yes, it is very uncomfortable, but I have learned that I don't die, most people don't even notice what I notice of my imperfection. I practice this every day and it does get easier. I reserve my perfection for the really important situations that demand my total and best of my ability perfection.

[natalie]

I had to stop my perfectionism when I realised I was becoming a screeching maniac inconsistent mother. Like my mum was. Better to have a dirty house than my children walking on eggshells and afraid all the time ❤

[xnx]

I'm very thankful to have found your channel. Thank you for sharing this. I can be a perfectionist about myself and my art. I've gotten alot better since being in therapy but it's still a work in progress.

[magmaaron]

This model ensures traumatized people continue to strive for more every year while receiving less and it increases economic profits. We see the cost of perfectionism across society. It is a common trait with people who suffer from addiction and reality escape behaviors due to the immense pressures on the psyche and emotional body.

[PaigeSquared]

I was basically mute in elementary school. Didnt get much more expressive until college.

[DanMaul-ipis]

Damn this hits hard. I hate that all therapy now is online or over zoom, most people with emotional damage need personal relationships and now even in therapy we’ve removed that. Our country will be one big mentally ill collective in 5 years.
I wish they hosted in person conferences. I would pay for that.

[Ominous]

Drawing all sides of Notre Dame stone by stone thaught me one thing. At a certain scale, it doesn't have to be perfect. It has to be whole. Once it was whole, only I could point out where I made the mistakes and flaws in the picture. While others are looking in awe of the result: it still looks as if it is coming out of the paper. Others wouldn't have noticed the mistakes unless professionals or I pointed them out. To them it looks perfect. For me I know where I failed. I'm still preparing to work on a final version with completed spires on the front towers. But first I needed to work on myself and clear my mind for one last stone by stone drawing of Notre Dame de Paris. It's like giving birth after thousands of hours of drawing. It's not done until I'm in tears of awe, tears of satisfaction, and tears of fulfillment.

"You can try the best you can, the best you can is good enough." - Radiohead, Optimistic.

[GoldenDelicious]

This is so sad... we don’t deserve this. Life shouldn’t be just struggle.

[susanoliveira]

I love what this man is doing for us... sharing his knowledge

[thePOWERofART-]

my goodness this hit home and hit hard. I've been like this for a very long time. I'm really hard on myself for small things.

[AlexandraS-tj]

Im the daughter of a supreme perfectionist. I had a lot of anxiety and severe OCD. Myself I was such a perfectionist I never dared to try anything. Today Im 47 and that is the story of my life so far😢

[skjelm]

Damn, I thought for many years I had overcome perfectionism, because I understood back then in art, that it is okay to seek perfection knowing there is no such thing as perfection.
But now listening to you I realize that there is still a very silent part in me at work, that keeps up the guilt in many hidden emotional minimized parts. Except in art. There I feel free.
Now I understand. Thank you!

[silviaconjar]

this is just great.thank you ... such a great teaching and explanation ...love it and I would call it fake perfectionism ...as perfect doesn't exist

[skinnyway]

I have had to be absolutely perfect because I was born autistic and was not allowed to draw attention to myself or have needs. I had to give myself permission to screw up and experience life. It is so hard to allow yourself to make mistakes. Think Monica from friends in a dirty house. thats me about making mistakes or being accused of it. you better have proof and not a bunch of trumped up BS. but in the real world if you love your children and are a much better parent than most they will twist that in family court and give your child to the rapist or worst parent period. we've proved it so many times.

[JohannaPalmer-cr]

I was talking about this today with my christian therapist I hate when I make mistakes I can't fail

[Bwahzehdezooner]

My soon-to-be-ex-wife. She was impossible to live with. Nothing was ever good enough, including me, who loved her very much.