The death of a narcissistic parent - What to expect

Due to the recent death of my father, I wanted my first video in awhile to focus on what to expect after a parent with narcissism dies.

[DEFACTO]

Lost my mother yesterday. She was a vulnerable narcissist. What saved me from this emotional ruin? I had grieved her while she was alive. And I implore everyone to do so. Now. Do not wait. They do not love you. They are too busy with themselves.

[trickynicky]

I was so grateful when my narcissistic grandmother passed away. I chose not to go to her funeral. Every now and then I forget she died, then I remember and breathe a sigh of relief. She can't hurt me, or anyone else anymore.

[louiseparker]

I realised that I had stopped loving my narcissistic father for at least 5 years. It came as a shock to me that I felt no grief, and was in fact relieved. I just wish I had gone no contact with him 30 years ago. Horrible selfish man.

[lejci]

My mother died nearly 2 years ago...I was not in contact with her at the time (about year and a half), but I kept contact with my father and she tortured me through him, more and more so as her death was approaching, even thought it was quite sudden. It was a living hell and when she died, I was shocked, I couldn't believe it...that it was acctually over, that she was dead - cause all of her life she was supposedly sick and dying, manipulating us, specially me with her death announcements, emotional blackmails etc.. I wasn't happy to hear she died, but I was very much relieved, it was like a curse was broken, some lightness was in the air...and there was zero sadness at the beginning. I couldn't even pretend in front of people...i was just acting kind of numb. After few months I started grieving...but not her loss, cause there was nothing to miss, I grieved a loss of a mother I never had. Reading some old documents from my childhood and my school essays, I re-lived the crap she put me through since I was born. Then came anger, rage in fact...a lot of it and it is still not over....it's much better, but not yet over. Wish you all the best with your process of healing...hope you feel better soon, it is quite exausting, a bumpy road!

[zmajodnocaja]

It is too late when they die, the damage is done in early childhood, and can never be fixed.

[eli_chaps]

Lost my uncle 2019. My cousin was overjoyed and cried he said "he was finally free"

[vivdoolan]

I have radical acceptance, I have been grieving the 'constructs' of parents I thought I had until they revealed their true, toxic, selves for about four years I am grieving the shadows who are still alive. I am grieving a constructed fantasy in my mind that I had loving caring parents and I do miss how much I loved them. I grieve my childhood and don't give the little girl who misses having a loving mummy enough time even now. I worry about how I will be impacted when they die, because it will be the finality of the parents I never got. Dealing with finding out all about narc abuse after living with a semi-protective construct all my life has literally shattered my world apart and I am not coping. I am broken. My heart is broken, my parents fundamentally betrayed me and as is the case with betrayal trauma, the whole world is so completely different now. I must heal and I must look after myself now we are in 2023. Best of luck to all of you trying to heal from this abuse that devastates lives.

[melissabeach]

This video was 100% my experience. Sent it to my golden child sister to help her understand why I’m not sad about our mom dying.

[taste-a-liciouse]

Thank you, my mom has terminal cancer, I have so much anxiety!!! She's so cruel!!

[kitsmith]

I yearn to be an orphan. I don’t have to explain to people the complexity of this abuse or introduce anybody into the embarrassing family dynamic. It’s a freedom thing when they pass on.

[Minorbird]

My NM passed 2 days ago. Thank you for doing this video. I am so torn between the adult who has gone non contact for years at a time and the inner child crying for her mommy. It's heart breaking. Oh, and the messes they leave She became a hoarder of her trash sometime in the last few years. 2500 Sq feet of trash. She also stopped paying all of her bill except for the 380$ cable package. Lucky me... im the only child and the rest of the family have washed their hands.

[SaraLaidlawASBINC]

What a surreal time. Mom will be discharged from the hospital into home Hospice in the morning. Kidneys are gone.
It took 40 years, but I FINALLY figured it out and walked away 4 years ago and was able to really start to heal. If invited to a group setting, I went. But I never reached out and at the first sign of drama, poof, gone.

Covid actually made things easier. She damaged my siblings to no end, in different ways. She was a different mother to each one of us, depending on what she needed, but they never got away from her like I did. So, here we go. My house has the guest rooms and is 1/2 mile from her house. To most outsiders, this monster is the most wonderful woman on the planet. The phone and texts are blowing up. I want to scream, “YOU JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND WHO SHE REALLY IS!!” But she is dying. Let them have their image of her. I’ve made it clear to my siblings that I’ve been grieving a long time and at the moment, I feel nothing. I’m glad that we have had this week to chat (text) about expectations. No judging. No projecting how we think any of us should react or act through this final process.

My fear is what happens at the point she leaves the planet. That will be it. Done. No more sliver of a chance that she will say what I need to hear without it being yet another lie to con me. That little girl in me is still there. Hoping. Praying for a miracle.

Want to know the crazy part? When told she was going home, she became all excited. My brother told her about all the people who want to come see her. “Oh, we are having a shindig! Is someone cleaning the house?!” Complete denial and no concern for her end of life or her soul. I can’t help but wonder what does God do with that? I can imaging my dad up there saying, “No! Don’t bring her up here! I finally found some peace!” LOL. My head is ALL OVER THE PLACE. What I am trying not to do is relive history. The most painful episodes keep rearing their ugly head and I have to consciously say to myself, change the subject! We’ve beat that horse, stop it. It serves no purpose to relive it. She is sick, she is a monster and she is God’s problem. I can not worry about what others think of me for walking away. It is none of my business.

I’m not ready, ya’ll. It is going to be a tough week.

[mikaboo]

my dad passed this fathers day. much love to us on the healing journey <3

[tigerbunny]

Evey single thing you said is 100% what happened to me right down to being disinherited. Wow! Thank you for this.

[LucitaBrown]

I have a 90 year old narcissistic mother who is in the hospital - again. I’m so tired of her.

[OhMyNykkers]

I remember when my dad passed away and I had to tell my sister, we were both devastated and we cried and held each other. But when we started talking about how we felt, we both said we felt so messed up for feeling relieved. We felt relief for him that he didn't have to be in such emotional pain anymore even if it was because of his own actions. I think at the time that's how we interpreted our relief without realizing that we were also relieved for ourselves. Its still a feeling I'm uncomfortable with and feel wrong for, but I've never felt more free in my life and sometimes I feel shameful about that.

[concerned]

Guilt is what I’m feeling which I’m quite surprised by. All of a sudden I’m doubting myself and wondering if I’d imagined it all and that I was the problem.

[nataliewallace]

My narc mum had been dead 6 months before anyone told me. She left everything to my brother - although even before I realised she was a narc I knew she'd do that - I haven't grieved at all! Just glad to see the back of the old harpy.

[micaelamkerley]

My malignant narcissistic mother is dying of Alzheimer’s and 2 other types of dementia. She is 91 years old and in the care of my flying monkey 🐒 sister who torments me financially. Since I was a child, my mother has threatened me with disinheritance. My mom no longer recognizes me and I have not seen her in 3 years. My sister will not even tell me if I am mentioned in the will and has poisoned my reputation with the bankers guarding her estate. She is a millionaire and by contrast I went homeless 4 years ago. My sister is cruel just like my mother. She tells me not to “blow” my money because my “disbursement” of $600 a month will stop due to probate. I am emotionally getting sicker every single day from worry. I am afraid of the potentially devastating toxic abuse to come to me very soon. It is so severe that no average counselor understands at all because they are not trained in understanding narcissism. Thank you for allowing me to express my fears publicly. Bless you.

[adventureswithschmicklesth]

My mother passed away at 96. She burned the last thread of love for her when I asked her to please not leave leave me in the dark on the house, bank accounts, funeral service wishes.

I begged her to write everything important down on paper for me for last 10 years but instead of doing what normal parents do for their children without the daughter having to ask, my mother screamed at me (narcissistic rage) for asking as if I were a criminal for even asking.

I could no longer take this unreasonable unloving attitude and assumed she was giving everything to some charity or church instead of passing a half million estate to her daughter (me) who could never afford to buy a home on my meager teacher's retirement.

I stopped talking to her and went no contact 7 months before she died.

Fortunately TN laws work in my favor as I am the sole beneficiary.

That said, I cried inconsolably for days as all the anger vanished and all that was left was a dark hole in my heart. I loved her but I also was so angry at her. There was no closure. No last words. She died after falling...so many mixed emotions...

I had to pay 2400.00 for cremation and shipping her ashes to me so that I could give her a proper burial. She did not set aside funds or tell me what she wanted me to do.

But now I have to play detective and tract down bank accounts...

How hard would it have been for her to write down the important things for me? She just wouldn't do it ...

I will say that there is a relief from pain, anxiety, anger--that all the anger ends when they die. There's no point to carry the anger. It's over.