How I LOST FRIENDS as an INFP.

In this video I describe the nature of INFP relationships from a personal perspective as well as from the perspective of other INFPs online. I’d love to hear if you relate to this or not in the comment section. it seems like this phenomenon is fairly universal to INFPs.

I haven’t lost “ALL” my friends literally (as stated in the opening) but I have the select few which are my long term friends.

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[jamisonrayned.]

If it wasn't for my ENFJ husband, I'd be much more isolated. He is so good at maintaining relationships and making me get out of my comfort zone.

[johngross]

I think you made a lot of good points. I feel like as an INFP i want to be invited to the party but also have to be mindful of my personal social battery. I love my friends that'll pick up after six months like nothing happened. Because I'm just out here doing my thing. Just because I haven't reached out to you doesn't mean you're not important, I just figured you're doing your thing too

[isaac_paech]

As an INFJ with strong Fe, this really helped me understand the behaviour patterns of my INFP best friend. Naturally I assume she will respond to my texts in an appropriate time frame like I do, or show an equal level of appreciation that matches my compliment or expression of gratitude. My Ni-Ti loops gets triggered by this lack of expected reciprocation so I've been learning to snap out of my overthinking/overanalysing state and just accept her actions for what they are. And I know it's all in my head, because she hasn't ACTUALLY showed me a sign yet that she isn't interested in remaining friends with me. All her "actions" that I think are signs are just triggering my attachment anxiety and recognising that she uses Fi and not Fe is a really important step towards healing this part of myself and strengthening/understanding our friendship dynamic on a much deeper level than before.

[desiree]

Here's a twist: When I make friends and they start telling me how great they think I am, I get nervous and start wondering how long it will be before they find out that I'm really terrible... Then there'll be conflicts, hurt feelings, shock and awe, and the whole kitchen sink. We can't have that, now can we? So, we must avoid this outcome by keeping our contact to a minimum🙃
(Brendon, you actually defined this fear of mine when you touched on Fe. I think I fear having people who think I'm great get disappointed when they see how bad I am at Fe! Guess it's kind of like imposter syndrome...)

[Kevin-zojt]

Insecurities are a lot of the problem and letting the wrong person in your life

[SmailINFP-pqiq]

A Friend, this word has very deep meaning to me .
But as introvert a lost many of them (who were not too much) !..thanks to my hermit mode !. They don't understand that, and leave me .

Other point, my Fi dominant function is a very big struggle !..I'm all the time in "observant mode" !.., seeing the deepest details of the details is exhausting ...sure, I know it's our mechanic of defense, this WALL !..to protect our selves but it's also keep many of my friend away .

Being INFP is so exhausting, this is nothing comparing to our struggle in this SJ world !😔

[vondelpete]

Yep this is all so true. And weirdly I've learned this from having other INFP friends over the years and neither one reaches out, and both assume the other person doesn't want to see the other. Definitely made me reflect on my own behaviour later in life and the importance of putting that effort into reaching out - in order to keep the good people in my life.

[ElephantPatronus]

Holy smokes, this is so spot on. 🎯 At 52 y/o I’ve lost hope that I’ll ever have close friendships outside of my spouse and kids. 😞

[susanmartin]

I personally think its ok to 'lose' friends. It goes both ways. When im into my art hobbies, i need to be isolated. When im into something else, i meet people in that thing but when i move on, i dont feel any obligation whatsoever to keep them in my life if thats all.we had in common. Thats not being authentic to myself and thats a deal breaker for me.

[shallowwatersoriginal]

I don't get friendships...there is this one friend that I really wanna keep after a while and I really do everything I can think of and they deeply ignore me (they seem like loners too)...and others are just not really my kind of people so I'm doomed to loneliness. Maybe you get to hang around with people but shouldn't really idealize having a long lasting friendship...

[Nectarisa]

I'm so bad at friendships. I feel like I've failed at least two major friendships in my life at this point beyond recovery..

[tinkershell]

Yep. I have 3 friends that I don’t actually hang out with plus my son. That’s all I can manage! 😂

[MorteXVivant]

This is true for me, this long-standing tendency of not maintaining friendships in a reciprocal manner. The realization that friendships require relatively consistent attention, like all other meaningful relationships, is one that challenges a preference for living life on terms that conflict with normal expectations.

Although we might truly value our friendships, our interest in and regard for others do not seem to translate when we neglect to sufficiently demonstrate either. I imagine it can look to others as if we simply don't care enough or are outright disinterested.

For instance, I am notorious for responding to text messages in an egregiously untimely manner. People hate that. (Including me!) Moreover, an imbalance exists between accepting invitations and extending them in return, as you point out. I do enjoy hosting whenever I manage to pull it off, but it is an infrequent occurrence. Perhaps it is accurate to acknowledge the influence of the protectiveness we feel toward our personal space, both inner and outer, that limits the appeal of having those spaces occupied by even those we would appreciate having there.

I am currently left with entertaining the same self-doubting questions you pose, Brendan. Like you, I share the privileged friendships of the kind that can handle "radio silence." Both are colored by dominant preferences for Fi (ISFP), which might partially explain this leniency. But, then again, I think solid friendships possess the foundation for this kind of infrequent engagement.

We require friendships that are like houseplants that can withstand minimal attention, yet provide the beauty and practicality we seek to incorporate in our lives.

Thanks for this topic.

[rik-keymusic]

My issue is that i tend to think that a lot of people around me envy me a lot because of my looks and skills i have developed throughout my life. i'm really fast with learning new skills because i alway did that. i learned to ski, snowboard, skate, play the piano, play trumpet, i learned to fix cars, phones, all sorts of things that broke down, i learned a ton of human psychology and spirituality, i'm learning Japanese right now, i'm killing it at the gym and the list goes on. and it's not that i'm average when i learn something... mostly i stand out with the things i learn aswel but that gives me a lot of people who tend to be nice in my face but are also jealous especially the guy i know the longest... Woman also tend to see me and guys don't like that ! They seem really jealous when it comes to woman... the point is i'm just me doing my thing it' not that i have that agenda to be beter at things then anyone else although i like a bit of healthy competition. I just want the best for everyone but many aren't that way. they want what i have but arn't willing to do the things i did to get there... they think i didn't have to put in the work to acquire those skills which is not true ! So, how can i ever trust someone around me ?

[denisesiddon]

I have many acquaintances bur don't keep in contact with many as they are shallow as hell and also by judging ourselves so harshly and holding back we are offending people without realising. That hurts me knowing that but the fi is much stronger

[natxon]

Friends are so hard to maintain..
Friends that i have are always from school/college that i eventually got closer without even trying. Once we went in a different direction, I didn't know how to be the same friend. I always feel like I'm the one changing, the one not trying to maintain it.
I also once had a gaming friend from an online game, he's the type of person that's the one 'adopting' introverted friends, and sometimes i got uncomfy when he asked me abt my personal life even though we've been friends for almost 2 yrs. I felt like I was being mean, but i really thought we're only friends for gaming. I don't deserve him i guess 😭

Oh as always thank you for the video sir

[junebaby]

Thank you for this video. This seems to be the story of my life. Every time you use the words "I", "We" or INFP you could just insert my name.
Ever since finding out about MBTI and learning that I am an INFP l begin to understand why I am the way I am. Watching your videos has helped me feel less outsidery and that it's OK being me.
This one is another great example. I would like to tell all those people who think that I'm a little weird to go and watch your videos.

[julieolson]

Interesting, Brendon, but part of our decreased facility with Fe might be adaptive. As introverts, we can easily become overstimulated. With our ability to attract people, there is never a shortage of interesting people in our life. How crowded it would become if we kept all these people around?! I, also, have select friends who react the same way to extended radio silence. They don't expect me to babysit them. They swim forward in the ocean of life without becoming fixed like an embedded organism on a coral reef. Perhaps we should give more thanks for friends like that in our life. And, perhaps we should quit paying lip service to it, and actually rejoice in the multidimensional diversity of people on this earth. As the say, maybe it's a feature, and not a bug!

[joanaborrellsanchez]

I wish I had a friendship like this... Months without interacting and then talk like nothing happened... All the strong friendships I've had and also the friendships I still have, are with people that need too much attention and constant connection, so they aren't satisfied with me. To me, if there is a connection, a really strong bond, I always keep in mind the other person, it's not necessary to be always talking or meeting. I doorslamed a really codependent girl (my bff I suppose) three years ago for being really annoying to me. And now I'm doing the same with the only group of "best freinds" I have. They force me to do things I don't want to do. It takes me so much effort to say no, and they are a bit disrespectful with boundaries. But I still love them and we're all learning from this "relationship crisis", so I'll try to work out this relationship.

[ashispoudel]

Dear god please never ever lemme come in contact with these fake roaches in my life ever again
-INTP