Why You Should Stop Trying to Heal Your Emptiness With New Relationships

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It's not crazy to think that meeting the right person will make you happy. But when the feeling of emptiness follows you from relationship... to relationship... to relationship, there's something inside YOU that needs healing. People with CPTSD, or who didn't receive loving attention as children sometimes struggle to ever feel connected, or that their lives have meaning. In this video I respond to a letter from a woman who keeps having the same terrible experience, breaking hearts and feeling alone yet again.
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[rachaelmacnair]

You are such a lifesaver, I'm tellin ya! I've had *such* a hard time making friendships with women, thinking I just don't like other women. Through the Daily Practice it hit me: I'm totally intimidated by other women and need to gain more self esteem to fix this. Sometimes it's those duh moments 🙃

[ayesha]

What she means when she says she traded her body for love and affection...when you've been alone or felt alone for a long time, your whole life, you'll do pretty much anything to fight off that loneliness.

[skyz]

I'm not empty, but yes I will never settle for another relationship that doesn't feel right, just to be pleasing, to be the nice gf . Never ever again .

[janeydoe]

My 2022 epiphany: Everything [they] taught us (via programming, i.e., romcoms, Disney, bosom-heaving novels, etc.), is a lie. The truth is, true love is self-love. Acknowledge, accept, adjust. [This] is 58 and I rock.

[maureenp]

I applaud the respectful way you address all of your letter writers, Anna. Your manner is a model for the rest of us to follow, whatever circumstances we are in.

[moonbodylibra]

I healed the emptiness through doing what brings me joy and self-love. Before that, I felt so empty inside. Only a romantic relationship would fill that void. And I'd bond with just about anyone, no matter how awful the relationship. But I learned to fill the void with participating in activities that excited me, I was good at, and really made me happy & joyful.
Do what you love. Do it until you love yourself doing it. Doing just that filled the void and changed my life.

[dianep]

The only thing I'd like to add is be careful with the in-person support groups; there are often manipulators who can turn into someone you wish you never laid eyes on. Especially if you are an approval addict with weak boundaries.

[mysticpizza]

The amount of broken people who just jump into full on relationships is staggering, I seen it for myself!

[ced]

I know it sounds cliche but connect with yourself first. Do the Journaling practice! The more you connect with yourself then you won't need people to be friends with. You'll want people to be friends with. And you'll be able to see people for who they are and not what you want them to be. It's also okay to pass on people. I feel like having cptsd you grab onto anyone you can. At least I used to do that. And then I'd feel awful because these "friends" made me feel the same as my family and I'd play the same role in my friendships. #scapegoatlife lol!!! Smile and say hi to strangers. One thing I do is go on long hikes and anyone that walks past me I smile and say hi to. Building positive interactions helps.

[qnkendra]

many years ago after my first heart break I realized that the guy didn't know me and then my next relationship had similar issues although I managed to keep that one going for over 5 years. I finally figured out that back then I could be emotionally close to someone or physically close to them but never the two shall meet. I worked hard on pulling down the wall I had between physical intimacy and emotional and finally got better. The hardest part is figuring out who loves you the person and who loves the body and thinks that is the person.

[lucidneptune]

I feel bittersweetly triggered by this video.. Really spoke to me. I realize I have come a very long way since I was a teen but I still have a lot of work to do.

[xCCflierx]

Yea I need more friends. Those are the relationships I need most now. A nice support network filled with love and acceptance. I just need to find out when and how I can finally start making them.

[krobbins]

When I listened to the letter what occurred to me is the lack of Oxytocin this comes from sex, hugging touch. Having a a childhood without a parents cuddle and substituting sex at a young age can set up a pattern of trying to get it from someone else but it is a love hormone made within ourselves. Hugs hand holding etc intimacy provides this as well as sex. There are other ways to simulate your system as getting exercise or getting a pet to hug but sounds like both people in this relationship are in need and maybe a opportunity to try that to heal both party's.

[christinagurrola]

My Mom also cut our hair with kitchen scissors. She once punished me with threatening to cut it all off. She also did loving things, but was more negligent than not. I forgive her as in my adolescent, I started hitting her back. I felt guilty, but have made peace with all of it. and Forgive myself. It was awful!

[alionaciobanu]

I look forward to a video on the topic : "signs that you are ready to date" because it's a scary thing to do after asequence of abusive/ manipulative relationships....

[lauracarstiou]

She told my story. Alcohol abuse is self medication. You can't make other adults your parents. Some of us will not find that tolerant significant other as you have. Like this woman filling the void with sexual encounters is how we become promiscuous. We end up getting hurt over and over. I recommend Alanon and CODA. Therapists don't have a clue

[sillymamacita]

Thank you for this. I left several lifelong toxic friendships and now realize I've started a new one to replace them. Just in time.

[rhondacosta]

a sexual relationship in no way represents intimacy - exactly.

[ewolffe]

I feel that I shouldnt run away from things, but also dont run towards anyone. It takes time to build trust and to take note of any red flags. If I run in, they might be overlooked until it will hurt more to see them - which might mean that I try to avoid seeing them for a long while. People and things wont make me happy or less empty - that is an internal feeling that only I can control. But they can make me less happy/more empty when what I projected onto those people/things doesnt materialise. And I have run in and projected several times before I learned that lesson.

[embracingvulnerability]

I finally found the elusive "forever" relationship, but I still find it hard to be happy. These days, my emptiness needs more pets, more material items, more hobbies to spend money on. I watch this happen and I'm getting better about it. The need to fill the void inside of me is a lot to deal with. Your videos help so much.