Why people DON'T LIKE IT when you are NICE to them: mind the gap in your attraction

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Why is it that your best efforts are often repaid with indifference, rejection, and contempt? This is a complicated phenomenon, but we can view one possible explanation through the lens of the balance of attraction. In turns out that people have preferences with respect both to the position they would rather occupy, and to the size of the gap they would like to experience. Being nice to others puts the other in the place of the adored and increases the gap of attraction. Negativity in response to this behavior is an attempt to recalibrate the gap back to acceptable limits.

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Presented by Orion Taraban, Psy.D. PsycHacks provides viewers with a brief, thought-provoking video several days a week on a variety of psychological topics, inspired by his clinical practice. The intention is for the core idea contained within each video to inspire viewers to see something about themselves or their world in a slightly different light. The ultimate mission of the channel is to reduce the amount of unnecessary suffering in the world.

#attraction #relationship #dating

[psychacks]

Why is it that your best efforts are often repaid with indifference, rejection, and contempt? This is a complicated phenomenon, but we can view one possible explanation through the lens of the balance of attraction. In turns out that people have preferences with respect both to the position they would rather occupy, and to the size of the gap they would like to experience. Being nice to others puts the other in the place of the adored and increases the gap of attraction. Negativity in response to this behavior is an attempt to recalibrate the gap back to acceptable limits.

Social Media


Become a Psychonaut and join PsycHack's member community:

Book a paid consultation:

Sponsor an episode:

Presented by Orion Taraban, Psy.D. PsycHacks provides viewers with a brief, thought-provoking video several days a week on a variety of psychological topics, inspired by his clinical practice. The intention is for the core idea contained within each video to inspire viewers to see something about themselves or their world in a slightly different light. The ultimate mission of the channel is to reduce the amount of unnecessary suffering in the world.

#attraction #relationship #dating

[jlcarlson]

I totally agree with the message here, but to me it sounds like playing mind games with another person. If someone doesn't appreciate my kindness, I'd rather just find someone else who does.

[sarahs]

You know what is crazy? I work around a lot of people all day. I work with multiple teams of people and I interact with strangers from the public. The more kind, friendly, gracious, and empathetic-loving I am towards people the worse results I get. If I’m stand-off-ish, cool, detached and downright haughty towards people, I actually get better results. The communication goes more smoothly, they show me more respect and they are oddly attracted to me. I kid you not! I don’t enjoy acting cold and authoritative, but it is so effective. I find it a bit unfortunate that I have to act this way towards others to achieve the communication results that I need and to receive respect. I actually don’t like being “that person”. However, being gracious and empathetic towards those around me has only gotten me trampled on. I do not want to be treated poorly because I’m too nice. It’s unbelievable. I’ve had to come to a place inside myself where I learn to ride a line between being a bit cool towards people, but also showing them respect as I honor and respect myself. It is quite a line to ride. People are a challenge.

[carlac]

I think when you are nice to bad people it shines a light to their self awareness and they know at that moment that they are bad and then they don't like you. Basically selfish people don't want you (kind person) to unintentionally make them look bad.

[JaneNewAuthor]

People don't like be obligated. Being nice to someone implies they're obligated to like you back.

Pure gold, thank you.

[thepabli]

I'm one of those "virtuous" people. But I haven't been like that since ever.

Many years ago, I was struck with the realization that when you give from your heart—without looking for anything in return—and in consonance with making the other person's life better, no one can steal from you.

I've recently become a widower. Each time I remember each of the selfless actions I did for my partner, my heart fills with joy.

Sometimes the act of giving is truly a divine gift.

[ionseven]

My epiphany was learning that there's a massive difference between authentic efforts to be respectful and cordial vs being nice to manipulate (what I used to do). Many of us former people pleasers who tried to gain acceptance through manipulation (how we were taught in school and home) have had a hard dose of reality with realizing that even when authentic it cannot be used to force acceptance. Best we can do is be authentic (while being mindful of how our directness can hurt) and not care about outcome. Real friends will come.

[lisabrooks]

And this is why I'm an introvert and stay to myself. People are I don't need the drama. I love my dog more every day.

[Chicharrera.]

I always thought it was due to people hating reciprocity. They hate the feeling of owing you something back in return.

[zion]

I think its better to stay true with who you are and find a person who aligns with that. Changing your way of interacting for the sake of creating attraction leads to inauthenticity.

[rickjl]

I was two years into a relationship with a woman when suddenly her behaviour towards me changed drastically. Every kind gesture was responded with negativity or apathy. Turned out she had fallen in love with another man and they had an affair (dude was married). This negativity was indeed a way of saying 'stop being nice to me... I don't like you like that anymore...". I can understand that. However, I think it was also quite Machiavellian - trying to provoke fights and anger to 'justify' a future break-up.

[dudleyviban]

My rule thumb is don't be nice to malevolent people, period!

[joanofarcxxi]

Don't care about if other people like you. Pay attention to whether or not you like them. I am so done being nice. Spent all my life trying to make people happy, trying to make them smile, being kind and agreeable, and getting run over and over and over. No more, buster. Now it's like this: if you are nice to me, I will be nice to you, but only a little bit, if I am in the mood, unless you are my family or friends. It's cool if you don't like me. I am only concerned with wether or not I like you. We live in such a messed up world that very few people are appreciative and respectful anymore.

[AlexiSimonov]

"Never offer services you were not asked to do" - Honore de Balzac

[ashleysalazar]

I like when people are nice to me. There is nothing that makes me want to be around anyone that is mean to anyone.

[biffmercury]

I finally learned that they’ll respect you when you respect yourself. Giving to the ungrateful? Stop. People being rude when you’re being nice? Stop being nice or just walk away. I started mirroring the other person and found in most cases, they tended to get nicer if they acted rude for no reason and I quit having anything to do with them, like as soon as they started acting rude. Wished I had tried it sooner. You don’t have to be rude back. Just remove yourself from them and if they approach you, they’d better be nicer and if they aren’t, tell them to go away and don’t come back.

[ratoneJR]

All people are, to some extent, mentally ill. Express your gratitude as you see fit, and let it go.
People show you who they are pretty quickly. Keep your eyes open.
Maintain boundaries as required.

[my_humble_opinion]

When people are annoyed by a kind gesture, I leave them alone. Life is too short. By the way, there are people out there who might misinterpret this video as an excuse to be selfish and rude.

[SteveWKk]

I think us humans are fundamentally insecure, and when people try too hard to love us, we can’t help but feel there’s something wrong with them 😵‍💫

[Mereologist]

There have been a number of philosophers who argued that charity was not, in fact, virtue both because of the positive recognition being charitable brings but also from the good-feeling a virtuous person gets from being charitable. A truly and wholly selfless act, they argue, would not even make you feel good about doing it. While I think that's a bit much to ask, I do think it's no accident that most folk recognize that charity is best engaged in humbly and anonymously... anyone who brags about their own generosity was not, in fact, being generous at all. Virtue signals are more often signs of no virtue.