6 keys to deal with a narcissist when you can’t get away

In today’s video I’m going to offer 6 strategies for dealing with a narcissist when distance is not an option. The goal of these strategies is to protect yourself first and foremost in these interactions. I encourage you to take time to deliberate how you are going to approach interactions with the narcissistic parent or partner, what you are going to do if they mistreat you, and how you can maximize your sense of safety while you have to be in the midst of a narcissistic abuser. These keys are designed to help you think through these questions.

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[pelletier]

A lot of narcissistic types will act like they don't understand your boundaries when you stick up for yourself. Sometimes it's best to act dumb yourself. It really confuses them when they can't get a reaction.

[kaworunagisa]

It's not safe to "calmly informing them about the consequences". The narcs will take that as a personal attack and retaliate. I tried that when I was more dependent on the narcs, repeatedly. Mommy Dearest played petulant victim in all of her passive-aggressive glory, then withheld resources and made humiliating shaming comments, often about my body and bodily functions although her fave has always been variations on calling me childish and unreasonable. Sister Dearest bluntly said that it wasn't her problem how I took her comments, gaslighted the heck out of me, and went into rages. The only way to deal with this kind of crap is to implement selective hearing loss, and even that is not necessarily safe because it can easily cause a "Are you listening to me?" kind of tear down.
In the same manner, trying to reason with a narc in the middle of a conflict is also unsafe because it causes the "Oh you think you're so smart, you arrogant @#$#@ ?" kind of reaction. Flee the situation quietly if you can. Every kind of response can and will be used against you.

[rubberbiscuit]

It is not an "if" but a "when" the narcissist will be abusive, unfortunately. Exhausting.

[francesbernard]

In summary: 1. Avoid discussions with the narcissist about how unhealthy your relationship with them or lack thereof with them is. 2. Don't bother to inform the narcissist about the consequences of their unhealthy behavior to you unless you know that you can follow through on how to limit a repeat unhealthy scenario caused by them. 3. Be practical for survival while looking for permanent exit from being around narcissistic unhealthy behavior. 4. Have an immediate easy to go through with safety plan for when the first 3 steps fall short in keeping you safe. 5. Don't try to act way too nice in their presence in hopes that will help keep you safe. 6. Be matter of fact and business like around the narcissist while full expecting that will send them looking for new supply sooner. 7. Expand your social circle by focusing on relating to safe and healthy people during every minute you can.

[KayDazzle]

an altruistic narcissist is like a bad dream, you know something isn't right but everyone around you denies it

[jacquelinecane]

While healing takes time, getting free can have immediate benefits. It’s all about safety and becoming your own advocate. The Narc WILL try to turn everything around on you and accuse you of everything they are guilty of. Remember that you are the TRUTH TELLER. And those can never be tolerated in a Narc’s world. Getting free is so important, there’s no time to waste. 🙏

[zofia]

I'm from Eastern Europe and I'm very impressed by how our personal human experiences are similar despite the differences in historical, cultural and social experiences. Thank you very much for your invaluable knowledge that has helped me to better understand myself and others.

[marycrowley]

When I’ve had narcissists try to control me or demand that I answer to them, I say “I need to process my thinking on that first and then I’ll get back to you.” It shuts them up. Then when you get back with them, you say “I thought about it and my answer is no.”

[carolyngartner]

This video is very helpful because I feel trapped in my current living situation due to financial issues and I have been feeling very depressed about it.

[oldanduncouth]

I escaped when I could, and I had to have someone telling me to just "hang up" or "don't go", and help me follow thru on no contact. I don't know if anyone abused by a narcissist can engage without being triggered and reactive before spending years practicing a lot of grey-rocking arguments. Also, narcissists are keen to take anything, including your "i" statements, defensively and will say you said things you didn't... My heart is with anyone who can't escape yet. My hope is everyone who needs to can

[quixhiya]

I’m 56, have mental health issues due to the abuse, and living with her because if this. Can’t work due to the depression and anxiety. Glad to see a therapist realize that sometimes you can’t easily leave the situation. Recent ones told me to move and got annoyed when I said I can’t. With what money? I need the therapy to get stable enough to work and leave, but therapists don’t want to show me how to get there unless I move. Tried already, cant work right now. Edited for wrong word.

[makaylahollywood]

I work with one- it's a new position. I notice how easily I fall into the dynamic of the narc who can belittle me in small ways. It's frustrating because I am a kind empathic sincere introvert. They seem to smell my trust - and then, strike in small ways that seem like humor but are more as a cut-down. It's so disappointing when I sincerely wish to make kind trusting relations.

[mamaJmama]

Lost, and enstranged from who we really are...we are loved❤

[Peecup]

After a 3 year journey of learning about npd, I am finally understanding that they are broken people. Nothing I or anyone else says will change the behaviour of these people, or the behaviour and beliefs of a toxic family system. It feels good to understand that. It feels good that it's nothing to do with me, not my responsibility, and even if i wanted to I couldn't change them. Then that leaves just one thing to do, go and live my life free of toxic people. I'm free. I choose where I go and who with. If I find myself with toxic people, thats my own choice, change it. Theres 9 billion people on this planet. Theres no excuse.

[michaelsager]

The coming to Jesus moment!! This has been one of the hardest things to accept and sadly for along time I believed it was because of me! How flawed I was but I knew it wasn't me deep down.

This video highlights for me that even at age 51 my best and continued course of action is no contact. I would image for the rest of my life. As I pictured myself doing any of these suggestions I could also feel that hurt wounded part of me losing touch with his reality and inevitably believing the gaslighting. For me it's a tag team with mother and her husband. No win and best I stay away and heal and learn to live for me while I find and hopefully reject all the false beliefs about myself that got created learning from there twisted views

[diatribe]

Also, Jay, you are correct about seeking out safe supportive people during recovery.
Great advice, but for some of us, we were so isolated and maladjusted that we have to do that step once we’re ready to even deal with others of any sort.

[Englandforever]

I can't get away from my narcissistic mother, she isolated me when I was younger, no job, no friends, no boyfriends. Now I have nowhere to go or money and if I ever said any of these things to her she would throw me out on the streets and she uses this against me.

[rachelmaxwell]

Jay you are a Godsend! Each week you share things that help enormously, even if I don't think the video has a relevant title. I find it's all relevant!! Thank you SO much!!! 🙏💛

[lisaperez]

Impeccable timing with this message thank you 🙏🏼💖💖

[jakecarlo]

This is so well done. Really quite an accomplishment. And it is a real blessing and public service that you’ve made the core pieces of your professional work freely available to the public. So many people can’t even access what relatively mediocre support there is out there, much less something like this, with both real depth and real-world applicability in the here nownow. Thank you again.