COMPULSIVE CARETAKING & HYPER-VIGILANCE

This video describes compulsive caretaking and hyper-vigilance, and the price we pay in this role. A caretaker test, deep dive on how compulsive caretaking can breed illness, unhealthy relationships with ourselves and others, resentment, divorce, etc... as well as where to focus your healing interventions, if you want to work on your "outside in orientation," of Compulsive Caretaking and Hyper-vigilance, especially if you've experienced chronic relational trauma.

*****FOR MORE INFORMATION ONLINE COURSES AND FREE CHECKLIST:

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Please check out my courses (LINK ABOVE):

1. BORDERLINE AND NARCISSISTIC PARENTS: HEALING AND DEALING WITH YOUR TRAUMA

(*This course is designed specifically for you if you were raised by parents who had Narcissistic, Borderline or significantly Emotionally Immature parents.)

2. RE-MOTHERED: TRANSFORM YOUR WOUNDED INNER CHILD INTO AN INTERNALIZED, LOVING "MOTHER"

(***This course is designed to help you learn to heal your inner child AND your inner parent if you experienced a complicated childhood or challenging relational wounds).

3. IDENTIFYING CHILDHOOD EMOTIONAL ABUSE AND NEGLECT (FREE COURSE)

**CHECKLIST IS INCLUDED IN ALL 3 COURSES!!****

xo

* Additionally, I am only able to work with California residents for weekly therapy once available. If you are interested, please also add in a few brief details in your email including your reasons for seeking treatment, current diagnoses, concerns, etc.

[pauladuncanadams]

I think one of the hardest things is considering yourself as an equal. That you have to give in order to feel worthy. You give until you lose self. And that's the rub, because the more of yourself that you give, the less you have to give, until you have nothing to give.

[laurelosborne]

What “pisses me off” is the degree to which my parents would often criticize me for being; hyper vigilant, overly harsh, overly critical, uptight, etc. as if they were angels and I was the reason for their shortcomings. What’s particularly cruel is that they were critical of the exact personality traits that were only a child’s adaptation of their parents painful abusive behavior. As a result I have a LOT of unresolved rage. This is so frustrating because I don’t want to end up like them! Still waiting to get into therapy to address these issues. Hoping they will fade in time for me to still have a family (I’m 38) and not be anything like them!!!

[kathleenwausnock]

Thankful I found you! I have been a caretaker to one person after the other. Was thinking this must be God's Will for me. This video really spoke to me about how my life is going. It's a pattern or something I attach to me. I was first born so watched over my siblings. Was sole Caretaker for my mother who just passed away April 20th, for 7 years of failing health. My boyfriend has health issues and I certainly do since taking care of everyone's needs. What a life it's been for me and I will be 73. I need some fun in my life before I pass away. Thank you for listening. ❤️

[Savoiefair]

This is me 😢it’s exhausting to be in this state ALL the time. I’m also a nurse, have a disabled daughter and my son died in 2011 at the age of 24. I simply NEVER feel lighthearted or at ease. My parents were narcissists and emotionally neglectful. Finding relief from the hyper vigilance is a never ending

[robertdawkins]

I literally cried after saying yes to the entire test.
I have been trying to heal for a long time and this really opened my eyes to needing to see myself as an equal. Thank you a lot

[TarkMcCoy]

Back in 2009 my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer with 2 months to live. He was bed ridden and needed full time in home care. At the time I was an electrician's assistant with a company that renovated sleeping quarters and bathrooms (heads & beds) aboard US aircraft carriers. At this time I also had a part time home business running. Bottom line is I had to quit my full time job, move in with my father and take care of him full time. He lasted a little over a year under my care, and I have NO REGRETS in what I did. I shopped, cooked, cleaned the house, mowed the lawn and assisted in every aspect of his care. I asked the visiting hospice nurses and they said that they had never seen a son take on this role before.

The bottom line is that I've walked BOTH sides of this street, and I can tell you for a FACT that the electrician's job (and my previous 20 years in the navy) were immensely more stressful (both physically and mentally) than the caregiving roll I took on. When I hear people whine about how "hard" it is to be a navy wife I chuckle, knowing that most of them couldn't handle the kind of workload we do on a daily basis.

In summery, while I can appreciate how frustrating it might be that Jr. shoved his PB&J sandwich into the DVD player, try walking around a multi-story jungle gym lugging 35 LBS. of tools all day long. And they wonder why men live such shorter lives...

[ellen]

I was a full time SAHM married to a workaholic. He really believed that his only responsibilities in the marriage and family were providing food and shelter.

[chilloften]

I’m surrounded by these types in healthcare and I’m trying to heal from it. They guilt me for wanting to leave when my shift is over. They stay over 2-3 hours to complete new admits etc, I must go. I’m sorry, it’s 24 hr facility and it’s not all on my back. They guilt me and talk crap about me.
It sux really bad.
I’m the type to stay focuse, work really hard to complete my tasks, chart my stuffs like mad, stay away from gossip and hearsay and distractions.
They allow all that. I hear them talking about each other’s to others while I’m busy working. Not staying over more than my 12.5 hr shift.
It’s crazy and mind blowing.
It’s a cult.

[katladyfromtheNetherlands]

This absolutely sucks cause I didnt really wanna take care of others and Im now chronically ill :( !

[katherinebasselen]

Have to listen to this 10 times cuz all I can do is cry.

[yonvaraani]

I enjoyed the questions because I saw how much I have actually healed - I still do some of the behaviors but, I'm aware of them now. I was diagnosed hyperthyroidism last summer and that really put me in a place where I had to say 'no' to many things. One was caretaking others. I don't have kids, so these 'others' are adults that I have, somehow, taught that I will always come to the rescue. What helped me was this affirmation / realization "they are adult humans, they can take care of themselves"

[pauladuncanadams]

IMHO, working on yourself BEFORE you have children is paramount. Ask yourself why you want children. Write it down. If the first word written is the word "I" then I suggest working on yourself beforehand. Children aren't supposed to be there to fulfill you or your idelic version of your life. We are supposed to be there to nourish their lives. Being a good parent is like, in the Buddhist philosophy, removing self. Not in the idea that you have no self, but more like ego death. Raising children isn't about you. It's about them.

[kikidee]

Wow! This makes so much sense - my childhood, my marriage, my chronic illness. 🤦🏻‍♀️ just…oh wow! Thank you!

[Sheywh]

YIKES YOU NAILED ME!! I'm at the latter part of all of this!! Now completely alone and facing the fact I'm totally lost! Don't even know what to do or feed myself it's really sad! Finding yourself here one day. The NPD and BPD are gone and I sit here all alone realizing I don't know 🤷🏼‍♀️ who I am I'm 58 years old now disabled with RSD I raised my siblings and my BPD NPD. Mom Not diagnosed but fits all criteria's. My mom married me out at 15 with child and 16 divorced and on the streets trying to survive Yes anyone that reads this that is young needs too seriously not be in hurry to do anything before doing everything to know who you What you want what you like what you don't like is more important than what you like if you ask me! If you came from a abusive mental and physical home like I did With fighting the step beating my brother and myself I was always trying to save my brother I was the truth teller and always learning what to not say or do to save myself My Mom knew what the step was doing being the NPD she denied it to her death. Except when I asked one day why he only beat my brother and myself She said because William wasn't his either!! My mouth dropped she admitted she knew right then!! I'm a perfect example of what Dr Sage just described you don't want to be..Ive been chronically I'll for 20 years in severe pain everyday of my life have no choice but ti live at the pain Mgmt office Despite I was in the medical field and happy I lost my job at 36 years old. I say this for anyone who hasn't had the AWHA moment to listen your body because like Lisa Romano says your body is listening too you! Your killing your self slowly I never knew any of this till about 3 years ago Idont think all my RSD is due ti that but I know my late husband nearly killed me mentally before he died blaming and shaming and treating me exactly as I was treated as a child. I wish years ago this was spoken of before now I am so grateful to have Dr. Sage to help me help myself because I can't afford a doctor at this time! So I'm soaking up anything that I can heal me with I'm very strong and I'm not stopping now Take care everyone ❤ 🤗

[Sophia-hjko]

Dear Dr Kim, I am so grateful to you. You've said the words I was searching for most of my life and couldn't find, being in a close-gate religious mindset. You've expressed everything in the correct words and it gives a sense of freedom and awareness. Thank you!

[karentyndall]

Thank you so much have been hypervigilant all my life. Your videos are really helping me change and know that it’s been a defence mechanism. You are an inspirational strong woman xxx❤

[AlitaAvenger]

Yes.. unfortunately meditation does not work most of the time with Cptsd.
Exercising and recently started re-learning self-defense works often much better for me. Also stretching exercises from my manual therapists are working well for me because they immediately give relief from physical pain.
Best regards and thanks!

[carmenhartman]

Mom was verry ill mental!! When i turned 13 the rolls reversed i was the mom she was the child!! She had a lot of fits!! It was hard!!..💝

[cliffordbrock]

So Kim,
Your saying that, if an individual has a neglegent, non existent parent. You then over compensate this by being over excessive when careing for your own children...

[mariasosin]

This is so important! Thank you so much