Why Adult Children Estrange (When Parents are Not Toxic) | Ep.69

Wondering why adult children estrange from their parents? In this video you will learn key research-backed reasons why adult children cut off from their parents.

SHOW NOTES / RESOURCES:

○ Feeling Heartbroken and Alone? How to Pick up the Pieces When You are Estranged:

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#estrangement #morinholistictherapy

ABOUT THIS VIDEO:
Many estranged adult children will state their parents were toxic. Research shows that toxic parenting is not the only reason for estrangement. In fact, many of the reasons rarely happened singularly. Estrangement hits 27% of the United States population, leaving all parties emotionally harmed. The process of cutting off from parents is rarely a quick decision. Instead, estrangement results from years of challenging circumstances. This video discusses why adult children estrange even when parents are not toxic.

DISCLAIMERS:

ESTRANGEMENT AND ABUSE: When considering the possibility of reconciling with an emotionally and or physically abusive great care is required. Reconciling may only be possible if the abuser is willing to work with a family therapist. When there is abuse, individuals estrange out of necessity and self-preservation. Consider if it is safe to resume a relationship with an abusive family member without evidence that the abuser has changed or takes responsibility for their harmful actions.

RESOURCES BY STATE ON VIOLENCE AGAINST WOMEN:

AFFILIATE: You should assume that I have an affiliate relationship and/or another material connection to any suppliers of goods and services that may be discussed here, and may be compensated for showing ads or recommending products or services, or linking to the supplier's website.

[heartbrokenamerican]

My 22 year of son has not contacted me in two years. He does communicate with his brother who still lives with my husband and me. The estranged son was not abused in any way. I’ve tried countless times to get ahold of him but he will not return my calls, etc. this may sound strange but could anyone reading this please pray for my son that he’s ok and will contact me

[katherineelizabethco]

“The foundation of estrangement is a sense of disconnection. The adult child feels like they don’t belong. ‘’ What’s interesting to me is, as the mother, I’m the one who feels this sense of disconnection. I feel like a third wheel. I feel like the one left out. Perhaps my adult child feels the same way towards me. You talked about almost every problem and circumstances I’m dealing with. Thank- You so much for this series of videos. You have helped me enormously.

[songbirdsinging]

My father used me as his punching bag. he humiliated me in front of people. One day I had had enough. i walked away from him and told myself I will NEVER put myself at risk again.
I went full no-contact. It was hard, my sisters and mother said they thought it was me, not him.
He died a year later and I have never felt this much relief.

[TravelGirl-bb]

I didn’t see where you mentioned estrangement caused by an adult child’s spouse. My son changed his phone number, email, moved, started using a PO Box, stoped social media and blocked his best man and childhood friend on Twitter. We were dropped solely because his new wife didn’t want him to have a relationship with us or anyone else.

[paulclarke]

I'm not particularly religious but I think the Ten Commandment as a set of rules to live by makes a lot of sense. Included in that is "to honor thy father and mother" so the concept that adult children owe their parents back some of the things their parents have given them is NOT exactly new. There are 2.6 billion people in the world that profess to be Christians so the concept is not exactly isolated either. Most millennial children know they will always have their parents unconditional love and a parent's capacity for forgiveness is usually unlimited. Is it somehow wrong to expect the adult child to give their parents some of the same considerations? What does it mean to be family if upon reaching adulthood everyone believes the world revolves around them and only their happiness? When an adult demands that everyone must tolerate anything he does, no one better disagree and they're always right, are we going to call that "respecting boundaries" to make that attitude sound nicer? It will be interesting is to see how these adult children feel when their own children grow up and treat them the same way. Why aren't you therapists more focused on preserving and reteaching traditional family values to children.

[lindajohnson]

Decent parents don’t expect their kids to be there for them when they’re really needed, but I think many feel as though they’ve failed to instil a reasonable level of morals, ethics and standards in their kids when they’re abandoned by them.

And a good parent doesn’t live vicariously through their adult kids, but how their children behave will always be a reflection of your parenting; sadly, your kids’ behaviour is out of your control once they come of age and, in this messed up society, it seems to be okay to be obnoxious, unrealistic and childish.

[Passion-X]

I am estranged from my youngest son; he gravitates towards those people who don't hold him accountable for his actions. He has returned home five times... and I am tired of chasing him. I told him that I have cut the apron strings... he is so busy trying to act like someone on tv, instead of figuring out who he is....I must not have been all bad for him to return so many times', but as soon as he got comfortable he started acting like he has no rules, my prodigal son can wander around the wilderness until he comes to himself, I will be around,

[Kimberlyrose]

How about when your child is 30 years old and is verbally abusive to the parent and grandparents and only calls for money and rages at the elders when money isn’t being given anymore. What kind of estrangement is THAT?

[TheBohemianStyle]

There is lack of communication when the parent call you names and hit you all the time. I tried to communicate and I was told How dare I talk back to your MOTHER!

[pierrejamison]

Despite all that you say, the majority of estranged children are lacking something because so many of the parents i meet are not worthy of such dishonor. Unless there was terrible abuse, a cold cut off is not only inhumane, it reflects badly on the character of that child, who demonstrably lacks integrity. Since integrity is key in any relationship. this lack on the part of the estranged child is proof that the grieving parent is actually better off without such a treacherous person in their life. Ah, , , but Karma commeth as excuses bite the dust!

[hollyenslen]

I found it interesting that the video is entitled, "Why Adult Children Estrange (WHEN PARENTS ARE NOT TOXIC), yet she spends the whole time talking from the perspective of things parents have done wrong resulting in their child deciding to push their parents out of their lives.

[pattihendry]

My adult daughter has banned me from her life for the last 6 years. My big problem is I don't know what I did! I can't see my 6 grandkids which is just breaking my heart. 😢 Recently my son has also distanced himself too! I cry alot!

[Staticbrain]

This is all very accurate and all the reasons why i chose to stay far away from my father and his wife. Your mental health and wellbeing must come first. Do not allow yourself to be guilt tripped and manipulated into thinking otherwise.

[w.cairing]

Alcoholic family dynamics are the reason I cut ties with my family. It became clear well into my adult years that I would remain the scapegoat who not only deserved but needed to be constantly corrected, chastised, even publicly humiliated and I should never object but *learn* from them. Ironic as I lived a very responsible life and well-regarded by everyone else.

[Cindy-bee]

The first reason you state for estrangement is the closeness of the parents and adult children. Talking about things, closeness sharing and being in their lives and supporting one another. Isn't that what families are suppose to do? Then a parent gets ill and the kids take off because of the stress of it. Does that seem right to anyone?

[ALHhome]

Mine is either anti social or on the spectrum. She never was connected to others. A lone wolf. No girlfriends. Even in college. Just disconnected from everyone. Couldn’t understand building up any relationships. Except a love interest. She did her best to stay disconnected. Put lots of energy into that. Wore head phones. Gave the stink eye. Forced us to walk on eggshells. It was like feeding and housing a stranger often. She would bread crumb us on occasions. Giving false hope that it would improve. Just to repeat. Always pulling away. It was with everyone. In the home and outside the home. She discarded the entire family unit. Both sides. Just vanished. That was 2 1/2 years ago. We don’t hold out any hope to be honest. She was never abused in any way. Never hit or spanked. No verbal abuse. Just highly intellectually charged conversations. She wouldn’t do emotional ones. Very apathetic and at times seems to of had dissociated mind and even at times seemed psychotic. Refused therapy. Did get meds in college for adhd. But took herself off those. I don’t think she knows who she is. She changed her style to a odd manner. Bottom line. My child is mentally unwell.

[gloria]

I had a bad childhood but I can not blame my parents for my life
because I am the problem in my life. I have the ability to know that I am running my own life and making my own problems
and I know I can over come and correct myself. Once you realize
you are the center point in your life you will stop blaming everyone but yourself. It is your fault you are not happy.
Take responsibility for your actions and correct them. You will then become happier. I got hit and I got abused but it is not
happening now, I am ok. I am safe and I know who I am and what
I am capable of doing for the rest of my life.

[lisac]

My guess is 90% of parents are not toxic. Something strange is going on and it's not good. 😮

[ATG.]

All of these would encourage me to be with my mother….these are all brat spoiled kid things

[jenniferrevilla]

Now interview the parents who have been estranged. A lot comes down to honor your father and mother, respect and do they really love.. They don't by estranging. We are not their friends we have a different position. They never stop being our children and we never stop being theirbparents. The Bible says this generation will be this way also. Is it a turning from God as this nation has done? Is this just in the west or are eastern countries experiencing this too?