HOW FAMILY Estrangement AFFECTS YOUR LIFE |Psychotherapy Crash Course

Complex PTSD is a complicated diagnosis, especially when you experience something like family trauma or family estrangement.

Family estrangement is the process why which a family member, possibly you, decides to distance yourself (emotionally, psychologically, and physically) from a family member you believe to be unhealthy and dysfunctional.

This process alone can cause a great deal of anxiety, fear, depressed mood, confusion, and even a desire to return to the family member you are beginning to miss.

Family estrangement is a family dynamic that is important to understand before and after you experience it.

In this video, I discuss the process of family estrangement and reasons why it may be healthy to separate.

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DISCUSSED IN THIS VIDEO:
0:00 intro

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#trauma #tamarahilllpc
#familyestrangement
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Mentioned In The Video:

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I'm Támara, a licensed and internationally/Board certified trauma mental health therapist, with over 14 years experience. I specialize in helping children, teens, and families with mental illness. I also treat psychological/emotional trauma in children, teens, and adults.

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Sometimes family members can be one of the most confusing aspects of your life. One of the reasons why is because families often operate like a big city. Everyone is doing their own thing and trying to function. However, if one or more individuals decides to create chaos, the entire city shuts down. Even more, if that family member has calculating personality traits, things become more serious.
To watch: "HOW TO IDENTIFY DARK EMPATH FAMILY TRAITS?|Psychotherapy Crash Course" click here:
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[nancybartley]

Walking away wasn't thought through on my part. It just happened as if I had never had a mother which is probably why it "just happened." I tried for years to have a relationship. She never showed reciprocal interest. I stopped trying and she continued not to care. There was not a relationship to end because one never existed. However, the damage is still there buried deep, growing and destroying.

[ChristineBalarezo]

Thank you so much for this, Támara 💚I made the decision to estrange myself form my maternal family - mom, grandmother, twin sister - 3 years ago. There was nothing else left to but choose myself. It was the hardest thing I've ever gone through, as it is like grieving a 'living death'. I feel seen and heard watching your videos, and less alone.

[renaelynn]

One day, I couldn't take it anymore. I just got in my car, went to library for mapquest directions, AND DROVE FAR, FAR AWAY. AND THEY HAVE NO IDEA WHERE I AM !!!AND I AM FREE.

[silentwalk]

It is hard leaving your especially when you are accountable for what you do they are not accountable at all

[StarPathHealing]

Nice to know I'm not alone and not the only one. It's so hard to be estranged. There's a lot of stigma around it also. Also there is the "survivor guilt". A lot of survivors blame themselves and feel responsible. Sometimes you feel obligated to rescue family. So many internal pressures with a narc family and from society and with our human need to bond/attach.

[RHatcherMD]

About 20 years ago now, I decided to take a break from communicating with my family. I didn't announce it or anything. Just stopped communicating.

About two weeks later, my sister called, acting as Flying Monkey. Asking me what was wrong. She said everyone was getting along. She spoke almost as if nothing had ever happened, not even the recent blow-up between the two other family members, which prompted my temporary break.

I just politely said that no I didn't have a problem with anyone in the family. I was vague and reassuring. Because talking any other way in my family would be considered the height of rudeness. Apart from all the times when they are all not very polite.

At the time, I had no idea what Flying Monkeys were (apart from the ones in Wizard of Oz). And I had no idea what gaslighting was. Well, I didn't know the terms.

I decided shortly after that to make the break permanent. Or at least indefinite. Apart from attending the one funeral, about 9 years ago, I have not talked to any of them since that day.

At times I have felt a twinge of guilt about leaving behind the more 'reasonable' family members. This normally got washed away, when I imagined talking to any of them, and what the conversation would be like.

These days, having reflected, and worked on myself, done some research, tried a few different forms of therapy (and self-medicating), I feel more like I did what I had to do, and that if I had stuck around, they would have all sent me as Crazy as they were.

[mjspyt]

Whew, you explained exactly what's happening to me right now. Had to limit contact with my non-empathetic mother and it's been hard. She oversteps my boundaries and acts all nice to me because she wants something and surprise surprise hurts me again. It's tough because I thought she was the "good" and "normal" parent (I'm estranged from my father as well) when in reality she never celebrated any of my successes, always quick to change the topic, and made me feel less than. But I need to do this because I'm worth it.

[TD-buwv]

My estranged Mother just passed away. I didn't go to the funeral. I called her in hospice when all she could do was hear me and I wished her peace and told her I never stopped loving her. She abused me in every way and all I needed was for her to respect my boundaries and take accountability for it all. I’m mourning the fact that the hope for a healthy relationship was gone when she died. The fact that I had to call her when I knew she couldn't hurt me by talking was super sad. I’m happy I said goodbye and I gave her peace. I'm so confused, I’m relieved, I feel regret for never having the relationship I wanted. I’m sad.

[lynnschaeferle-zhgo]

I’m starting a new life without any family. My kids have been abusive for years, thanks to their dad, who has a personality disorder.
When I was 19 I walked away from narcissistic parents. It is inter generational but it isn’t any easier to ease the pain. How do horrible people blackmail others into poisonous relationships as opposed to walking away.
I know I will never see my kids again because I told them the truth. We divorced because he is an alcoholic psychopath. My consolation will be when they have to see it once they have to take care of him.
Estrangement is the worst but if you admit that basically you don’t fit with these folks and you’re walking away because there’s nothing that will change it.

[AdamantlyAdams]

Estrangement can be a blessing! It's the only way and I have no worries.
I have been missing the live, but I always watch. This lesson is fascinating! Thanks Tamara

[maggie]

I have no bond with my family whatsoever. When my dad died no one in my family told me and attended his funeral. I lived 4 miles from his house and one of my sisters shrugged and said nobody knew where I lived? Im very angry at my family. Then I had a niece I was very close to and we had a huge falling out. She actually blamed me for the problems in her marriage. We went no contact for over 20 years. The only reason we started talking was because my dad was in the hospital and we ran into each other. Same niece has paranoia over covid and spent the week lying to me to prevent me from visiting her. She didn't want me around because she wanted to visit her newborn grandson on new years eve "without wearing a mask" as she put it and told me to order some olive garden and I wasn't allowed to be around her. The kicker is she knows I have nobody and live out of my car. She knew I would be alone sitting at a truck stop and she was fine with that. Then texted me happy new year at 2am. Also too she basically doesn't respond to my texts up to that point and some of my texts were funny stuff I would share. She wouldn't respond. Or 3 days later she would say for some reason she's just now seeing my text. She's so bad at this that Im basically done communicating with her. I want to see how long it will take before she responds. I just really don't want anymore to do with my family. I was always part of their life but they were never part of mine.

[marenbarr-qbeq]

Thank you so much for talking about the grief. I feel so validated when I watch your videos.

[darrylharris]

Yes. Something definitely wrong with the family Dynamic

[valerieshy]

In-laws. Ugh. Emotionally distancing is all I can do since I have to see them every so often. I will say that I made up an excuse to get out of seeing them this past weekend and I was SO happy to be left alone to clean my house for several hours. Bliss! Who knew house cleaning could be so rewarding!

[giao]

You are AMAZING and have helped me SO much as I binge watch your videos. I want to thank you personally because a lot of us cannot afford therapy but by you doing these videos you help us understand and teach us ways to cope. You are a blessing and an excellent therapist. If I was in PA I’d make it a point to seek care with you. Blessed are your patients. I can tell you love what you do.

[lisadixon]

I feel conflicted because my dad did this to everyone who didn't agree with what he believed . So as a child, we had relationships severed and I was taught if someone makes me feel mad or irritated that I should cut them out. It actually was a weapon for thinking the one cutting people out is in the "right". #1, telling people in your life if they don't perform as u wish, they are threatened to be removed at will. #2 not every perception is reality. There is no information here on identifying avoidance behavior response or discomfort of being vulnerable by communicating on both sides whether in therapy or personal to resolve individual needs working together. #3 cutting off just leaves complete unresolved issues which trickles into other future relationships #4 grandiose delusion of self ...you are the only one who's problems are important. I don't see how running away has ever been the answer UNLESS it's actual abuse. Not the drama language used Today such as abused, assaulted, oppressed. The definitions have been Skewed and misused to express trendy narratives. Separation, loneliness. Abandonment. How is this helpful longterm generation after generation as healthy family therapy? I'm halfway through the video and im Hoping some positive suggestions via therapy show up rather than teaching people to run from their problems. My dad died not speaking to his twin brother. My husband cut off his mother AND father at Separate times only to allow them back in if they behaved the way HIS narcissist brain thought they should (which they did walking on eggshells). Now third generation LEARNED behavior of estrangement is happening. It does not seem like therapists have the right advice except to encourage people to be MORE self centered, "my needs, my wants, me me me me" (2 year old) mentality rather than learning conflict resolution, joint therapy, communication skills, and AT LAST ABSOLUTE LAST resort...separation. it's so unbelievably SAD how these therapists today just talk about it without an emotional attachment which discusses loss on both sides. Heartbreaking.!!! We are a doomed society.

[renaelynn]

Great info!! If you can fly away, fly, dont walk, never look back. It feels so good cuz you're finally free.

[Sandi]

Very helpful. While most people think it’s bad to dump family, you encourage get out of bad relationships. Understand what’s healthy thx

[miniskillet]

There was a lot of abuse covered up. And my older sister although I love her she never really had my back. I realized I can never be honest with here or talk about those things because thats when she gets angry and starts telling me to move on already. We have had this very distant relationship for a long time.

[augustbutterfly]

This might make no sense but I'm saying it anyway. I am JEALOUS of adult children who have critical parents. My mom cares so little she isn't critical - criticism means someone cares. She has no expectations. It's just nothingness. I wish I had a critical parent with high expectations. Better than a non caring abusive jerk who WANTS YOU TO FAIL. Wants to one up you. Gets pissed if you do well! I got a bachelor's degree, she got a PHD. She already had a masters. She didn't even use it, it was solely to one up me. And it was SO HARD to get it, I had a child during my education and an abuser was in my life. No graduation party, was all about HER. I'm sick of it, I can NEVER WIN. Always one down, always the loser. Aquires flying monkeys immediately, so she gets her word out first and it's ALL LIES. Then I'm on defense. I give up - on myself AND her. Everything. I have 5 kids and small business and I want to just get rid of everything. The emptiness is absurd from all of the neglect.