GRIEF | HOW TO COMFORT SOMEONE WHO IS GRIEVING

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GRIEVING: HOW TO COMFORT SOMEONE

What do you do and how do you respond when someone you love is experiencing a loss? That’s coming up next on the BEAT.

Hey everyone my name is Allen Parr thank you so much for tuning in. Today we are asking the question, “How do you comfort someone in a loss?” And the truth is that sometimes it’s awkward because we don’t really know what to do and what to say. We’re often afraid of saying the wrong thing. So, today I want to share with you 2 DON’Ts and 4 DO’s when comforting someone through a loss.

1. DO NOT…
a. Assume the person wants or needs space. If this person is a true friend of yours, not only do they want to hear from you, they need to hear from you and they expect to hear from you. And if you don’t express your genuine concern for them it can compound their pain because the people closest to them were not there for them in their point of greatest need.
b. Talk too much – The Bible says, “let every word we speak be HELPFUL and according to the NEED OF THE MOMENT.”
i. This doesn’t mean don’t talk at all, it just means to use wisdom.
ii. Sometimes when we don’t know what to say to someone we say too much. What we need to realize is that when someone is experiencing the pain of a loss there really isn’t ANYTHING secular or spiritual that you could say that would remove or lessen the pain.
iii. Say…“Well, they are in a better place.” “Heaven has just received an angel.” – The reality is that you don’t always know whether the person is going to heaven or not. “It was their time.” “You’ll see them again.”
iv. The reason why we shouldn’t say things like this is because although we hope these things are true we don’t know for sure where the deceased person is.
v. Also, more importantly, at that moment the person doesn’t care about seeing that person in heaven. They miss them right now on earth.

2. Prayers
a. Not just praying for them but praying with them.
b. There is something encouraging that begins to happen when you lay your hands on someone who is in pain and they hear you cry out to God with all of your heart on their behalf.

3. Presence
a. Job – Health, Wealth, Family, Friends
b. This means recognizing that they are in a very vulnerable state and don’t need to deal with it alone.
c. Weep with them.
d. Listening to them for as long as they need. The key, once again, is not to do a lot of talking.
e. Follow up with them every couple of days and during special days such as that person’s birthday or during the holidays to reassure them that they don’t have to walk through this alone.

4. Provisions
a. The Bible says, “Do not withhold good to those who deserve it when it is in your power to help them.”
b. Ask them is there anything that they need? Often times when a person experiences loss they are in a state of denial or shock and for some time they won’t be able to think straight enough to do basic things.
c. So, offer to take them food, shop for groceries, doing housework, send them a gift card, watch their children, take them out to lunch or a movie, invite them over to dinner, etc.

5. Patience
a. In other words, don’t pass judgment on them if it takes them longer to process the pain of the loss than it takes you.
b. Understand that depending on the depth of the loss this person may need some serious time to process the loss.
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It's so true that we need to be mindful to reach out to others who are grieving. I have had people not reach out to me out of fear but really I just felt like they didn't really care! Our absence can definitely be misunderstood and can add to the pain someone is already experiencing.

LorieBrumfield
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I was not gifted with much empathy and I’m dealing with a gf who lost both grandmothers the same day. Needless to say this video helped me and I already messed up and made things worse

kevingalarza
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My friend lost her mom a few months ago, and I ended up writing a song for her and she loved it. I hope it really blessed her.

AcousticThoughts
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Buried my wife of 27 years a few weeks ago. Thank you #AllenParr for these words of wisdom. So much truth here that many don’t understand when seeking to encourage or comfort those dealing with loss. May this content get in front of all those that need and can benefit from it.

CreateYourOwnEconomy
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This video has really helped me. I have high functioning autism and have to attend a funeral today. I am really terrible and knowing what to do and often just don't say anything at all or even acknowledge It when I see the people who are grieving. It's very difficult because I wish I could automatically be able to figure out what to do or to analyze a situation on my own and respond appropriately.
And as a Christian this helped me twice over.
Thank you 🙌

ej
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My bf just lost his mom i just wanted to be there for him; i just to show him that I'm here for him

taquanacollins
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My sister lost her spouse Tuesday, it is very challenging to know the right things that we should do. I am praying HARD for her and my niece everyday but it is very DIFFICULT to truly express their grievance. To be there everyday it’s difficult to understand for the grievance. I say just continue to be supportive even if the feel they don’t need it.

tamiaduell
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My father in law has days to live, we led him to the Lord. Thank you for your wisdom on how to be there for my mother-in-law.

rubens
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I deeply admire how you were able to use the message of God to teach how to be understanding and supportive. I always felt the teachings of Jesus can offer us a lot in how to foster empathy and be a positive source for others.

PoseidonXIII
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Thank you Allen, having experience the loss of my daughter has changed my world. She is the reason I want to make awareness of grief and depression. My faith has also been shaken to the core. I am making these youtube videos to educate as well because some people are trying to comfort but rather they ended up hurting us more those who are grieving.

JoelManrique
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I just lost my dad, this past one really has reach out to me..

myrnasey
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My best friend just lost his mom and it breaks my heart that he is so far from me. I thought I was being over bearing by constantly sending him messages and calling every 4 hours, because I didn't know what to do or know how to approach the lost of his mom. After watching this video it made me realise that I was doing the right thing. I just wish he was close to me. 😭😢 it's so painful. PLEASE help pray that my best friend is able to cope through this tough time. It won't be easy I just want to help him feel better.

Edit. If any have any extra advice to help me help him please leave it in the comment. I will appreciate it. Thank you.

MsFrevrysPoetry
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Brother Allen, thank you. I just lost my great grandmother. I feel terrible because I felt like I could have been around her more than I ever was. I am a new believer in Jesus and in God and I have been trying to get a better footing with our Lord. And this was a gut punch to me it felt like. I was and still am so sad but instead of it shaking my faith I prayed and thanked God for her on earth and for her to try and get me to know Jesus when I was younger (i was just too stubborn to listen then.) But even though I haven't seen my friends yet, hearing you say these things on comfort helps me sort out my mind. Thank you and God bless you man.

HermitGamerTengu
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My boyfriend 's sister is terminally ill and at times i simply don't know how to comfort him since we are also in a LDR .I assumed he needed space.... but your advices were very helpful.

marieaugustin
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Thank you Allen for this video. My brother lost his only son to drugs by accident on Aug. 23/2018, and the one year Anniversary is coming up, I was talking to him for the first time in a long time yesterday. He is in so much PAIN still and I just didn't know what to say to him. I cried with him on the phone. I just want to say THANKS for this and will call him more often to check on him. GOD BLESS YOU!!

joy
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First I want to say bless you brother. Your video just helped me as my brother lost his dad this morning and I didn't know what to say but to just be present. On the way to his house to be with him I watched your video here and it helped me break out of my shell to be supportive in the best way I could. I thank the Most High God for you and thank you for helping me. Thank you so much.

BlueBell
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Dear Allen, this video and one other is PERFECT for a professional acquaintance of mine that has recently lost 14 family members and friends within recent months, including his sister that passed this week. Your videos are like little spoonfuls of love. Thank you, Rosemary

murrietarealestateteam
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My girlfriend just lost her dad last month and since then it wasnt easy for her and until this day she is still grieving. I could tell you a lot has changed since her father died --- she dont reply much, it's very difficult to make her smile, she dont mind me as much etc. But as her boyfriend, Im doing my best to understand her situation.

I'll admit that I might have done some mistakes into trying to comfort her ( because this is the first time ive handled a situation like this ) but im doing better now than the first few weeks of her grieving. I don't really know when she'll be okay but I always message her everyday to let her know Im here for her.

I take her out if I have the chance --- just last week I took her to her dad's grave. It made her happy.

I'll be honest this part of the relationship isn't really easy ( especially for us because we're only on our 2nd month ) but I know in the end all of this is gonna be worth it. All we need is proper understanding for both individuals and of course patience.

emmanpilapil
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Thank you that was so well said and a true blessing to me this morning praise you Jesus for the gift this man has delivered on your behalf

kelliquinn
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This is good advice. When asking if there is anything you can do, bring up some ideas. Because we wouldn’t even know what to say.
Also I would like to add some things not to say or some suggestions...When I told my friend I missed my husband (he had just passed away 3 months before and we were married 51 years) she replied that I should get my mind off myself and think that he is in a much better place. And another friend that I called to tell her of my husband’s passing said when she answered the phone that “if your husband passed away, I don’t want to hear it”. I didn’t say anything. Or when my husband needed total care at home but still talked somewhat, could follow directions and smiled and people said that I was selfish for keeping him alive. People can be so cruel. So I like these videos because people need to know these things. I want to add something else. If your best friend that you had and they stood with you and helped you for over a decade becomes disabled, come and see them and don’t act like they don’t exist. They were there for you, you can come and show they have some value with your presence.

forgodsolovedyou