Grief Counselor Answers Your Questions About Grief and Loss

00:00:00 Introduction
00:01:50 Anniversaries of Loss and Grief
00:06:51 Multiple losses, compounded grief, loss of pets
00:13:34 What is the difference between complex grief and normal grief
00:16:51 How to deal with anger around grief and loss
00:22:58 How do you function after grief and loss?
00:27:21 Feeling nothing or numbness after grief and loss
00:37:11 Can you ever "Get over" grief and sadness?
00:45:18 What are practical steps to functioning after a loss?
00:54:38 How do you work through grief when you have children or are very busy?

In this video I team up with grief expert Sarah Engler, LCSW to answer your questions about loss and the grieving process. Here are some of the questions we address:
Dealing with Anniversaries of a Loss- very challenging, especially the first year, normal to feel increased grief, start to attach meaning, remembering the good too rather than avoid
Complex grief-difference between normal and complex grief -symptoms don’t decrease, may increase, prolonged and exaggerated
Lots and lots of loss all at once - cumulative grief, “I just can’t do this anymore”
Loss of pets - it is real and common not to be recognized - disenfranchised grief
Anger - normal and okay to feel anger, check for more tender emotions, have healthy ways to express
Grieving someone who isn’t gone yet- dementia, grandparents, - anticipatory grief
Numb, can’t cry after a loss- absent grief - shock, denial, lack of connection or conflicting feelings
Is it normal to never get over a loss? - get over no, be less impacted yes - the loss is always a loss
Lost youth, lost opportunities, (experienced trauma, depression or other mental health concern) or the loss of youth and opportunities
When you couldn’t say goodbye (pandemic) - double loss, death and lack of closure, depending on beliefs can find ways to symbolically say goodbye
Unconventional grief - disenfranchised or ambiguous grief
How do you get back to functioning after grief?
What are practical action steps to take with grief
Managing grief with young kids

Therapy in a Nutshell and the information provided by Emma McAdam are solely intended for informational and entertainment purposes and are not a substitute for advice, diagnosis, or treatment regarding medical or mental health conditions. Although Emma McAdam is a licensed marriage and family therapist, the views expressed on this site or any related content should not be taken for medical or psychiatric advice. Always consult your physician before making any decisions related to your physical or mental health.
In therapy I use a combination of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Systems Theory, positive psychology, and a bio-psycho-social approach to treating mental illness and other challenges we all face in life. The ideas from my videos are frequently adapted from multiple sources. Many of them come from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, especially the work of Steven Hayes, Jason Luoma, and Russ Harris. The sections on stress and the mind-body connection derive from the work of Stephen Porges (the Polyvagal theory), Peter Levine (Somatic Experiencing) Francine Shapiro (EMDR), and Bessel Van Der Kolk. I also rely heavily on the work of the Arbinger institute for my overall understanding of our ability to choose our life's direction.

Copyright Therapy in a Nutshell, LLC

[ireneinwales]

My husband passed last Thursday of a heart attack at home in front of me, I gave him cpr for 20 mins before ambulance turned up, they worked on him for nearly an hour, they couldn’t save him. We’ve been together for 36 years. I’m still in shock and pretending he is still sitting in the other room watching the television. I think I’m being strong. Family has gone home now after a weeks stay. They live 5 hours drive away. Im now on my own until funeral in a couple of weeks time. My faith that he is not suffering anymore and he is continuing on his soul journey is helping me cope. 💗

[Cinder_withers]

This may sound selfish but it's nice to know that other people are feeling this way and it's not just me

[spiralali]

Anniversary of grief: about a month before the anniversary, I start to cook a lot of healthy meals that work well with being frozen and thawed out later. Then while I'm grieving, I have easily heated healthy meals, to nourish my body as best I can, while living through feelings that in the past were so overwhelming, I would quit eating very well. If I ate, it was cheap, quick, easy, and unhealthy food; whichever ultimately made me feel worse.

Nourishing my physical body well, helped my emotional body feel cared for.

[JoSpring]

15 years ago, my husband of 12 years who I thought was my best friend ghosted me and the kids he helped raise for his secretary. And I mean ghosted overnight. The next year I lost his mother who I was very close to. The year after that, I lost my mother, who I was very close to. And the year after that, I lost my father, who is the dearest person in the world to me. I have had therapy and been on antidepressants. But I still don't think I've ever really recovered. I feel sad and lost a lot. 💕 Much love to everyone suffering.

[cathywestholt]

When will the grief support community ever, ever recognize adult sibling loss??? We are continually ignored as that being a traumatic grief experience. It's always a spouse, child, parent....but nothing at all if you lost a sibling. You are more likely to have known your sibling for more years than you are both alive than any other relationship...parents, spouse, children, etc.

[Goldiloxandthebears]

I really appreciate this interview. My mom passed away a month ago. I was caring for her in my home on hospices for almost 3 weeks. I didn’t even know she was that sick until just a month prior. It felt like a whirlwind. I held her hand as she passed. I feel like part of me went with her. I miss her terribly. I wish more could have been done, said, heard. I have had a lot of support but sometimes I just want to be alone. I’m having a hard time seeing the point to a life full of loss and heartache. I wish things were different.

[stlouisramsfan]

I lost my dad nearly three weeks ago already. I'm having a hard time trying to function. I miss my dad so much. I didn't get to see him the couple of days before he suddenly passed because I was feeling sick from my condition. The fact I didn't go to see him is hurting me so much. I want my daddy back 🔙😢💔

[kandacegood]

Crying out to God, expressing your feelings, asking for help with faith does wonders

[michaelmulheran]

My wife and I were married for 40 years. When she died my life ended. My cardiologist told me I have the real heart condition. Now 7 years of being a widower I CAN NOT GET OVER LOSING HER. In that 40 years we always acted like we were still newlyweds.. I just can't believe I lost her.

[glabutis]

Thank you so much for making this video. I lost my big brother and best friend growing up to a motorcycle accident last week. The first few days I couldn’t do anything but stare at the walls. Now my body has so many physical symptoms- pain ache trembling weak - I can’t function, everything sets me off, seeing an ambulance, many things. I can’t physically do anything I want to like drive or go anywhere. I mostly stay in bed. The past couple days I don’t want anyone to call text or contact me in any way. I get extremely angry and yell at them or hang up on them.
I need to find counseling so I can physically get up and do things again.
I think it’s a good sign though, that I’m online/YouTube looking for help. I’ve also been listening to grief meditations.
I actually called the ambulance yesterday because my physical symptoms were so bad with bad chest pains. All tests/bloodwork were perfectly fine.
They write on the discharge papers (chest pains/grief) and told me to seek counseling. But, I was afraid talking about it would make my physical symptoms worse and right now I feel incapacitated.
My brother died while out of the country and we are still working on bringing him home. It’s been extremely stressful because of the language barrier and people trying to scam us. I hope things get better once he is able to be brought home. Please pray for me and my family.❤

[jackieconnie]

My mom’s birthday is Nov22. So I started using that day as the day of putting up the Christmas tree as she loved to decorate for the holidays. It’s a huge thing for me because I would always procrastinate putting it up. I was an emotional wreck the first year but this second Christmas without her, I was so excited and I know she would have been proud.

[elynnelim]

I just lost my son last August to a terrible accident and it's very hard to find meaning to keep living when my only child is gone. It's very overwhelming and I feel like a burden to the people around me when I am sad. It's physically painful to even cry. 😭

[jackiegerarde]

I had long term complicated grief but I had a great therapist and really worked hard for acceptance. I finally got it. Having my feelings validated by my therapist really helped. I remember being so annoyed when friends kept trying to cheer me up. It was about them. I remember the moment I could feel my feelings. I was almost run over in a crosswalk and the thought I had was, well I guess I'm glad I wasn't killed. And that feeling really was a big deal. I had been numb and generally indifferent to being alive. Great interview!

[TYGZus]

Three major losses in a row, along with remaining family members acting out with hostility from out of nowhere. Now, the family is completely broken apart. It's not just the death of the loved one's, it's the breakdown of the family as we knew it for multiple decades. What a nightmare!

[paultravis]

I’m 79 years old and have experienced death many times. This conversation is amazing. I found myself trying to categorize the questions around sudden death and known future death. I would be very interested in a conversation on the differences in dealing with the grief. Great talk, very informative.

[christylee]

Grief is screaming and not being heard

[TheLiberaceTheory]

I’m disabled and autistic, and had an ESA cat I had taught task-specific anxiety rescue techniques to. He passed away suddenly and horribly in front of me, 32 days ago. It’s been hell on earth to try to figure out what to do with my face, with my hands. I had my first full panic attack— couldn’t breathe, heart racing, arms weak. I had to pause grieving so I could process health anxiety (also through your videos!).

Even trying to get help for grieving through support groups, they ask “what is your relationship to the deceased?” The closest option that made any sense was “father to son”. That’s how it feels. He was with me every day for 13 years.

[PapayBmet]

My two parents passed a couple of years ago, one after the other. It was hard at first but I’m beginning to understand what happens after death and my personal research about death resulted in me finding answers and understanding that death is a “graduation” from earth life and what happens after transformation is wonderful which is full of love, peace, and realization that we don’t die or disappear but our spirit and consciousness is in fact eternal and we simple go back “home”. Where were we before we were born? We were at home and that’s what happens after we move on. We are simply here as a spirit inside a body having a human experience. Our love ones who have moved on are back at “home” where love is more than anything felt here on earth. Also the memories we have with our love ones are not lost, they are eternally recorded in heaven in great detail beyond our comprehension as evident in a “life review”. So that feeling we experience in the past that we long for, it’s recorded and can be replayed over and over again to our hearts content. But what’s even more interesting is that the love we feel here on earth does not even come close to the love we feel in the afterlife. All is well and we don’t really have anything to worry about. I know it’s hard to understand and comprehend but our past love ones are still around and are really in peace and joy. Even pets this applies to. You might be wondering what my sources are. Well I have been watching testimonies of people who have died and then come back to life (NDE=Near death experiences). And the more I watch the more I begin to learn similarities. These people were declared medically dead but once revived they share their experiences and they are inspirational and all have common messages about the meaning of life and why we are here on earth. I just wanted to share this in hope to give others compassionate healing and understanding that we are eternal and our love ones are fine and they want us to live life with love and happiness 😊 Nothing is forgotten. Everything is recorded. Our emotions, the number of hair we have per second, our thoughts, what we experience with are human senses and beyond are recorded in 360. Those wonderful memories we had with our past love ones are not forgotten but eternally recorded in great detail beyond our senses. So do not feel a lost because we really did not lose anything or anyone. Our memories are not lost. Our love ones are not lost because we are all eternal and we have reincarnated thousands of times before living different lives in different times in different bodies. Where were we before we were born? We were home.

[natalieruby]

Again, I feel your videos come at the perfect time for me. My second brother who passed away, his 39th birthday is today. Since last week I had been emotional, angry, snapping at my kids which I hardly ever do, my stomach in knots. Then over the weekend I pieced it together that his birthday was coming up. Today I've had full blown anxiety, even with my medications. I did tell myself that I am allowed to cry, I am allowed to grieve, I am allowed to not be ok today. The first question you guys went over hit the nail on the head, when the anniversary or birthdays of loved ones come up, I'm not ok for the full month. February for my brother Nick, March for our Dad, and October for my brother Anthony, all whom have passed in my lifetime. Im so thankful for loved ones reaching out and us being able to talk to him.

[jackpullen]

In my experience with this I was involved in setting up for " celebrations of life" in church for years and that phrase is the key to hold on too. We get to the point of remembrance of the life of that person in times spent together and the effect their life had on us and vise versa. We live off of the gleanings of each other's field and continue to long after they have parted.