How to help a grieving friend: the animation

The viral video on how to help a grieving friend: one complex topic explained in under four adorable minutes.

How do you help a grieving friend? It's hard to know what to do when someone is going through a difficult time. The thing is, you can't cheer someone up by telling them to look on the bright side, or by giving them advice. It just doesn't work. Watch this video to learn the one thing that will help you support your friends in the most helpful and effective ways.

If you’re grieving, we recommend joining Megan’s once a month grief support group call, where you can get answers to your questions about grief and learn what to say to people who just. don't. get. it.

NOTE: you must give proper attribution when you share this video. It is copyright Megan Devine and Refuge in Grief. Using it for a training? Awesome. Give proper attribution (and drop us a note to let us know how you've used it!). In no circumstance is it legal to copy this video, or the script, and use it in your own work, passed off as your own creation. Love this video and find it useful? Credit the people who created it. Simple.

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¿Cuál es la mejor manera de ayudar a un amigo afligido? ¿Darles consejos? Anímalos? ¿Recordarles que la vida es para los vivos?

¡Ay! ¡No!

Es muy difícil saber qué hacer cuando sufren tus amigos. De hecho, no se puede animar a alguien diciéndole que mire el lado bueno o dándoles consejos. Simplemente no funciona. Mire este video para aprender una cosa que mejorará todas sus intenciones de "Estoy aquí para usted" y ser ese amigo de apoyo que más quiere ser.

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[gwenallwood]

I've lost both my parents to COVID. This is so true. I'm sick of people telling me to cheer up, or to "look at the bright side" (wtf?). I want to tell them to shut up.

[reham_]

"The human soul doesn't want to be advised or fixed or saved it simply wants to be winessed exactly as it is"

True😔

[lilimarlene]

So right. I lost my husband recently. Didn’t even want people to know because it’s so hard to deal with the “brightsiders.” My best friend just sits with me and lets me cry....no advice, no cheery suggestions...just an arm around the shoulder, boxes of Kleenex, an an occasional ‘I love you.’

[alexfloridarican]

The fact that over 1million People is looking here to do research how to help a grieving loved one correctly is wonderful in itself.... ❤

[IAmAPhotoCrazyGirl]

Do NOT say "just get over it" or "don't be a baby". Everyone grieves differently. Just be aware, listen, and be a friend.

[wendytarasoff]

My daughter is in pain. She has to face her own death. I let the tears flow and acknowledged her.

[protamine]

When my Dad passed away in 2020 the most comforting thing I heard was from a co-worker. She acknowledged there was nothing she could do to change the situation, but she was sorry I was experiencing my grief and she was thinking of me. Acknowledge the grief and show you care. That's the best one can do.

[katherinevanatti]

Thank you for this. I lost my oldest son not quite four months ago to a motorcycle accident. He was 26. Everyone reached out to me for the first couple weeks, then just disappeared. People I hadn't heard from for years were all of a sudden there, then gone. It truly made me feel like everyone just wanted to be a part of the tragedy, until THEY felt like it wasn't tragic anymore. My daughter and I talk about him and the accident often, the good and the bad, but I sometimes wonder if anyone else truly gets it. I want to scream to people that just because he died, doesn't mean he never existed. And while I know this is something I will never get over, only get through, it would be nice to have others acknowledge that, even though it's been "this long", for a part of me, it will always be "Thursday".

Update: my best friend and husband passed away suddenly and unexpectedly Friday December 14. Please keep me in your thoughts. I am heartbroken.

Update: it's been nearly three years since my son passed, two and a half for my husband. I am continually grateful for all who replied in the beginning, and to those who still do so now. I never imagined that after all this time, there would still be perfect strangers who care enough to reach out. Please know you all mean the world to me.
And if nothing else, I've learned to be kind. You never know when someone is going through the unimaginable.

[jaqjynx]

I’ve been a mental health nurse for a long time now. I’ve worked with so many different kinds of patients over the years, from kids to the elderly. And one thing i find myself saying often is ‘your feelings are valid. You have the right to feel how you feel’. And for a lot of people they’ve never been told that. People are told to buck up, get over it, just try harder because the people around them cannot cope with what they are seeing. And that’s so wrong.

So, if anyone reading this comment right now is feeling grief, sadness, alone or anything else please remember your feelings are valid.

[MechWomanWarrior]

“I think that if I ever have kids, and they are upset, I won’t tell them that people are starving in China or anything like that because it wouldn’t change the fact that they were upset. And even if somebody else has it much worse, that doesn’t really change the fact that you have what you have.” – Stephen Chbosky

[mwerkeller]

My best friend that I've been with for about 7 years lost her dad recently because he got hit by a bus. Whenever she needs to talk about it, I let her talk. Whenever she needs to show me pictures of her dad, or things she gave her dad, or even things her dad gave her, I always let her because I know how important it is to her.

[ricedonut]

Presence speaks louder than your words.
Just be there with them, don’t go cheering them up.

[ginaleith]

Witness and acknowledge. The greatest balm to a grieving soul.

[latnimge]

My best friend just passed away yesterday from heart disease. She was 35. It’s devastated me. Thank you for this

[aicerg]

This is one thing I wish my boyfriend understood. I don't want him to make me smile, I don't want him to cheer me up... I just want to suffer in peace, if that makes sense. Let me grief, I don't want to force myself into a 'good mood', I want to cry, and be angry, and alone. And if he was there to be alone with me, everything would feel less painful than "I try my best to make you happy and I never succeed".

[miaomiaochan]

I believe that when someone tries to cheer up or give advice to a grieving friend, he or she is really trying to get the friend to stop making him or her uncomfortable. It's well-meaning, but selfish. Acknowledging grief and wading into it is difficult and uncomfortable, so we tend to avoid doing so.

Also, I've noticed that if a grieving friend doesn't respond in the expected way to these attempts to fix them, the other person tends to get upset at him or her, saying demeaning crap like, "why can't you just get over it already?".

[korvotron]

i rewatched this endless times after my grandmother passed for comfort. because i didn’t have anyone to comfort me. i just wanted to say thank you for the content you make, it helps

[maraceroberson]

I like the last part...

"Being heard helps. It seems too simple to be of use but acknowledgment can be the best medicine we have. It makes things better even when they can't be made right."

[GriefInspiredCatherineMcNulty]

True! I lost my son and there were very few people who understood. My advice. Find someone who gets it! Let us be in pain! Don’t fix.

[brandondavis]

Just be present. Don't tell them how to grieve.

Just be there, listen, and let them walk through the feelings and why not hold their hand along the way?